Archer Quotes

I’m like an owl. I’m like a vampire owl.

I swear, I could draw a gun faster than your optimism could pull the trigger.

I don’t have pet peeves, I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.

What’s the literal opposite of ‘shut up’?

Do you want ants? Because that’s how you get ants!

Danger zone!

I’m not saying I invented the turtleneck, but I was the first person to realize its potential as a tactical garment.

It’s like my brain’s a tree and you’re those little cookie elves.

Are we having caramel cookies for dessert?

If I cared about what you were interested in, I’d stick a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes.

You know, you’re conditionally useful.

I swear, you couldn’t be more of a woman if you tried.

I need alcohol in an IV.

Can’t or won’t?

If you don’t shut up, I’m going to duct-tape you to the ceiling.

I have to go, there’s a little girl in the hospital waiting for my penis.

I can’t help but notice I haven’t been completely grossed out in the past half hour.

You’re not my supervisor!

I’m sorry, most of that sentence was gibberish. It’s like you mashed up a bunch of words you’ve heard before, but in the wrong order.

Well, I’ve burned my breakfast, so I need to make amends with the kitchen by taking it out back and shooting it.

If I wanted to hear something stupid, I’d have asked you to speak.

Do you want me to tear off your head and piss on your neck?

How are you not dead?!

Yeah, and if ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ were candy and nuts…

I may have killed a man.

Just when I think you’ve said the stupidest thing ever, you keep talking.

I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

I’m drunk in charge of a firearm. What could possibly go wrong?

You kiss your mother with that mouth? Still a better kiss than you’ll ever get.

I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.

You don’t have to apologize for being wrong, but you do have to support your conclusions with evidence.

Just remember, we’re doing this because we love you.

I’d love to stay and chat, but you’re a total douchebag.

I try to avoid situations that could end with my ass in front of me.

It’s like eating a salad in front of a fat person. I already know they hate me.

In my defense, your house has a ton of cookie jars.

You look like someone glued a mustache to a turd.

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I could finally pay for your therapist.

Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of me being awesome.

Sometimes science is more art than science, Morty. A lot of people don’t get that.

I’m doing science and I’m still alive!

The only thing more dangerous than a live bomb is an unarmed man.

If you try and kill someone, you’re not supposed to threaten to do it, you just do it.

I don’t have all the details, but I do know that it involves an inside job. And as we know, inside jobs are the only kind I’m qualified for.

I love your cooking. I’ve spent the last fifteen years trying to perfect my spicy nacho cheese without success. But your’s has just the right amount of kick.

Is there some sort of secret league of secretaries, who are all in whispers on P.A. systems?

He’s kind of my roommate/homicide guy.

Burt Reynolds from Gator? What are you — 90?

Did you remember to bring the robot skeleton army?

Shut up and play. Shut up and make me a peanut butter sandwich.