Woody Allen Quotes

I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

I don’t believe in the afterlife, but I am bringing a change of underwear just in case.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.

I’m not afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

80% of success is showing up.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I’m not a drinker, my body won’t tolerate… a hangover.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Life is full of loneliness, misery, suffering, and unhappiness, and it’s all over much too soon.

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I am two with nature.

I’m not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

There are two types of people in this world: good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.

I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it’s one of the best.

Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Life is like a meal, and I’m a picky eater.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality by not dying.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

I took a speed-reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It’s about Russia.

I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Some guy hit my fender. No damage. I accidentally hit him back. Little did he know, I get happy when I hit cars.

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I hate reality but it’s still the best place to get a good steak.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

I am naturally anti-Semitic because of the way my father explained it to me. He used to say ‘You know, Bobby, Jews are like the samurai. You know what a samurai is — a samurai is a trained killer.’ And Jews are like the samurai because Jews go to samurai school as kids and when they come out, they know how to kill people.

The food is terrible, and the portions are too small.

My brain? It’s my second-favorite organ.

To you, I’m an atheist. To God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.

When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered that I had adsorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

I am plagued by doubts. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.