Talladega Nights Quotes: Hilarious Moments from the Racing Comedy

If you ain’t first, you’re last.

Shake and bake, baby!

I wanna go fast.

It’s the fastest sport in the world, Ricky.

I’m the best there is, plain and simple.

Just remember, if you ain’t in first, you’re in last.

I’m all hopped up on Mountain Dew!

I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

I’m a driver, I’m very driven.

If you’re not first, you’re last. That’s just the way it is.

I’m just a big, hairy American winning machine.

I won Cal Naughton Jr., fair and square!

We go together like cocaine and waffles.

You gotta be hard-eyed and soft-headed.

You can’t have two number ones, that doesn’t make any sense.

It’s just a flesh wound, I can keep driving.

I’m a man with a bacon-powered heart.

We got a cougar on the loose!

The way I figure it, NASCAR is like dating.

If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball.

You ain’t gonna learn anything working for a woman.

I’ve been drivin’ with the fluorescent Nightmare, here.

I like to think of Jesus as a figure-skater.

God needs the Devil. The Beatles needed the Rolling Stones.

I’m afraid I’m not familiar with that lingo.

You can’t let fear dictate your decisions.

I don’t live my life one quarter-mile at a time.

If we wanted two wussies, we would have named them ‘Dr. Quinn’ and ‘Medicine Woman’.

I’m not a thinker. I’m a doer.

I will come at you like a spider monkey.

I’m gonna come at you like a spider monkey, Chip.

I used to get beat up by the other kids. That’s why I’m like this now.

The ball hit him like a ton of bricks.

We didn’t come here to lose, we came here to win.

Thank you, Jack Daniels, for your fine product.

You know, I’ve had some bad wrecks in my day.

I did pot and crack with Monica.

What do you say I take you home and make you feel beautiful?

I was on fire when I was chokin’ on the smoke and when I woke up, the doctors told me that I had swallowed seven pounds of it.

Hey, I pee a lot.

Pour the milk, they say! Pour the milk!

I like to picture Jesus in a tuxedo T-shirt, because it says, like, ‘I want to be formal, but I’m here to party too.’

I like the Christmas Jesus best and I’m saying grace!

I can see in your eyes, the fear that would take hold of every man at some point in his life.

You gotta learn to drive with the fear.

I’ve learned that, you know, the key to life is to be happy with what you got.

Nobody makes me bleed my own blood.

I don’t know if you heard me counting, but I did over a thousand.

You can’t just take a NASCAR trophy and turn it into a ball.

Nobody keeps Ricky Bobby down!