Mark Twain – Master of Humor

The secret of getting ahead is getting started, and the secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one.

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.

The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries of life disappear and life stands explained.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who can’t read them.

The man who does not offend anybody is probably worthless.

The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.

Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said, ‘I don’t know.’

I once made a remark about the hidden books of the Bible. It was a lulu; kept people looking so hard for the facts, and for others, it was a revelation. Some were in a jam, especially since the names of the books were not capitalized. But the truth finally struck home to numbers of readers. To others, it was a real job. We want it to be a most fascinating few moments for you. Yes, there will be some really easy ones to spot. Others may require judges to help them. I will quickly admit it usually takes a minister to find one of them, and there will be loud lamentations when it is found.

I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

Don’t wait. The time will never be just right.

I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can’t find anybody who can tell me what they want.

In a good bookroom you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in all the books through your skin, without even opening them.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.

The trouble ain’t that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.

Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.

There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.

The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.

When in doubt, tell the truth. It will confound your enemies and astound your friends.

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

It’s easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

The only person who likes change is a wet baby.

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

The holy passion of Friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring in nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not ask at the end of life to revive again.

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.

It is better to have old second-hand diamonds than none at all.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

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