• I’ve noticed that people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.

    I’m always amazed to hear of air crash survivors who say ‘I just closed my eyes and hoped for the best.’ Well, I never close my eyes. That’s bad luck.

    Sometimes I wonder if the world is so small that we can never get away from the sprawl.

    I’m not a person who embraces challenges. I avoid challenges. They often involve risk, and I’m risk averse. I like things the way they are.

    I don’t like to be outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children.

    They say that whenever you cheat the hangman, you get a new lease on life. But what happens when the lease runs out?

    I love the idea of spontaneity, but I don’t necessarily want to be the one who has to improvise.

    I’m not anti-social. I’m just not social.

    I’m not a pessimist. I’m an optimist with experience.

    I don’t know what it is about dandelions, but they just make me irrationally angry.

    I’m not a fan of gravity. It always seems to be pulling me down.

    I’ve never been much of a multitasker. I prefer to focus on one thing at a time, and then procrastinate on the rest.

    I’ve discovered that complaining is a great way to bond with people. Everyone loves to complain, and it’s so much easier than actually doing something.

    I’m not a fan of surprises. I prefer to have everything carefully planned and scheduled, so there are no unexpected deviations from my routine.

    I find that the best way to deal with difficult people is to avoid them altogether. It’s much less stressful that way.

    I’ve come to realize that the key to happiness is low expectations. If you don’t expect much, you’ll never be disappointed.

    I’ve never understood why people say ‘life is short.’ To me, it feels like the longest thing I’ve ever done.

    I’ve learned that it’s best to assume that everyone you meet is an idiot until proven otherwise. It saves a lot of time and disappointment.

    I’m not a fan of small talk. I prefer to get straight to the awkward silences.

    I find it fascinating how people can spend so much time and effort trying to impress others, when in reality, no one really cares.

    I’ve discovered that the key to success is not hard work or talent, but rather a complete lack of self-awareness.

    I’ve always wondered why we say ‘goodbye’ when leaving, but ‘hello’ when we arrive. It seems a bit backwards, doesn’t it?

    I’ve learned that it’s best to avoid conversations about politics, religion, and anything that might expose your complete lack of knowledge on the subject.

    I’ve never understood why people feel the need to fill every moment of silence with mindless chatter. Sometimes it’s nice to just sit in silence and contemplate how much everyone else annoys you.

    I’ve come to realize that the only thing worse than being alone is being around other people.

    I’ve noticed that the more money people have, the more they complain about not having enough.

    I’ve never been one to follow trends or conform to societal norms. I prefer to make my own terrible fashion choices and awkwardly stand out from the crowd.

    I’ve discovered that the best way to avoid responsibility is to convince yourself that everything is someone else’s fault.

    I’m not a fan of surprises. Life is full of them, and I’d prefer if they could all just be neatly scheduled in advance.

    I’ve learned that it’s best to avoid making decisions. Indecision is a wonderful thing, because it allows you to procrastinate indefinitely.

    I’ve noticed that the older I get, the less I care about what other people think of me. It’s quite liberating, actually.

    I’ve come to realize that the only thing worse than being alone is being surrounded by people who make you feel alone.

    I’ve never understood why people feel the need to share every mundane detail of their lives on social media. No one cares about your lunch.

    I’ve discovered that the key to happiness is low expectations and a healthy dose of sarcasm.

    I’m not a fan of change. It’s uncomfortable and unpredictable, and I prefer to stay firmly entrenched in my comfort zone.

    I’ve learned that it’s best to avoid conversations about religion, politics, and any other topic that might expose your complete lack of knowledge.

    I’ve noticed that the more money people have, the more miserable they seem to be. Maybe money can’t buy happiness, but it can certainly buy a lot of misery.

    I’ve never been one to follow the crowd. I prefer to awkwardly stand out and make my own terrible fashion choices.

    I’ve discovered that the key to avoiding responsibility is convincing yourself that everything is someone else’s fault.

    I’m not a fan of surprises. Life is full of them, and I’d prefer if everything could be neatly scheduled in advance.

    I’ve learned that it’s best to avoid making decisions. Indecision is a wonderful thing, because it allows you to procrastinate indefinitely.

    I’ve noticed that the older I get, the less I care about what other people think of me. It’s quite liberating, actually.

    I’ve come to realize that the only thing worse than being alone is being surrounded by people who make you feel alone.

    I’ve never understood why people feel the need to share every mundane detail of their lives on social media. No one cares about your lunch.

    I’ve discovered that the key to happiness is low expectations and a healthy dose of sarcasm.

    I’m not a fan of change. It’s uncomfortable and unpredictable, and I prefer to stay firmly entrenched in my comfort zone.

    I’ve learned that it’s best to avoid conversations about religion, politics, and any other topic that might expose your complete lack of knowledge.

    I’ve noticed that the more money people have, the more miserable they seem to be. Maybe money can’t buy happiness, but it can certainly buy a lot of misery.

    I’ve never been one to follow the crowd. I prefer to awkwardly stand out and make my own terrible fashion choices.

    I’ve discovered that the key to avoiding responsibility is convincing yourself that everything is someone else’s fault.

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