Quotes

Karl Pilkington Quotes

A day without nonsense is a day wasted.

Life is like a Rubik’s cube – frustrating and pointless if you don’t know what you’re doing.

The brain is an amazing thing. It can convince you that running from a bee is a good idea.

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. It’s like saying, ‘I don’t care about my knees, I just want to be high up for a bit.’

Why do we pronounce ‘queue’ as ‘Q’? It should be spelled ‘Kwhyoo-wee’.

I’ve always wanted to be a dolphin. They swim around all day, eat fish, and nobody bothers them.

You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

Why do we call it ‘leftover’ food? It’s not like it’s wrong or bad, it’s just extra food.

I don’t understand why people get tattoos. It’s like putting bumper stickers on a Ferrari.

If life gives you lemons, better hope it also gave you some sugar, otherwise it’s just sour and pointless.

I don’t understand why people collect stamps. They’re just bits of paper with pictures on them. I’d rather collect coins, at least they’re worth something.

Instead of ‘happily ever after,’ fairy tales should end with ‘and they lived uncomfortably ever after’.

Why do we call it ‘getting dressed’ when we’re putting on clothes, but ‘getting undressed’ when we’re taking them off? Shouldn’t it be ‘getting dressless’?

If you want to find something really strange, just look in the mirror.

Why do we say ‘break a leg’ when we want someone to do well? Shouldn’t it be ‘break a pencil’ or something less painful?

They say ‘what goes up must come down.’ Well, what about escalators?

I don’t understand why people try to fit so many activities into one day. It’s like trying to watch five films at once – you’ll just end up missing the plot.

The problem with common sense is that it’s not that common.

I’ve never understood why people want to be famous. It just means more people staring at you when you’re trying to eat a sandwich.

Life is like a box of chocolates – you’re never sure what you’re gonna get, but there’s always a risk of getting one of those weird fruit-filled ones.

Why do we shake hands when we meet someone? It’s like saying, ‘I don’t have any weapons, let’s be friends.’

I don’t understand why people complain about Mondays. It’s just another day – the problem is with the other 6 days of the week.

If money doesn’t buy happiness, then I guess I’ll have to settle for a yacht.

I’ve never understood why people want to swim with dolphins. They’re just fish with a PR team.

Why do we pronounce ‘bologna’ as ‘baloney’? It should be spelled ‘buh-low-knee’.

I don’t understand why people are always looking for the meaning of life. It’s like asking for instructions on how to breathe.

They say ‘the early bird catches the worm.’ Well, the early worm gets eaten, so it’s a lose-lose situation.

Why do we call it ‘taking a nap’ when we’re not actually taking anything?

I’ve never understood why people enjoy roller coasters. It’s like paying to feel sick and scared at the same time.

Why do we say ‘breakfast’ when we’re not actually breaking anything?

I don’t understand why people try to predict the future. It’s like trying to predict what’s going to be on TV tonight – you’ll probably be disappointed.

Life is like a bowl of soup – sometimes it’s hot, sometimes it’s cold, but it’s always better with a slice of bread.

Why do we pronounce ‘Worcestershire’ as ‘wuster-sheer’? It should be spelled ‘wor-chester-shire’.

I’ve never understood why people enjoy horror movies. It’s like paying to be scared, but without any real danger.

Why do we say ‘the sky’s the limit’ when there are footprints on the moon?

I don’t understand why people say ‘hold your horses.’ Horses don’t listen, they just keep running.

Why do we say ‘I had a blast’ when we mean we had a good time? Shouldn’t it be ‘I had a bomb’ or something explosive?

I’ve never understood why people jump out of airplanes. It’s like saying, ‘I’m so bored, I need to throw myself towards the ground.’

Why do we call it ‘getting a haircut’ when we’re not actually cutting anything?

I don’t understand why people say ‘it’s a piece of cake’ when something is easy. Have you ever tried cutting a cake? It’s not that simple.

They say ‘the grass is always greener on the other side.’ Well, the grass is probably just spray-painted, so be careful what you wish for.

Why do we call it ‘making a phone call’ when we’re not really making anything?

I’ve never understood why people enjoy jogging. It’s like saying, ‘I want to be tired and sweaty for no reason.’

Why do we pronounce ‘colonel’ as ‘kernel’? It should be spelled ‘ko-lo-nel’.

I don’t understand why people clap when they’re happy. Shouldn’t they just smile or something?

Why do we say ‘I’ll be there in a jiffy’ when we don’t even know how long a jiffy is?

I’ve never understood why people enjoy spicy food. It’s like saying, ‘I want my mouth to feel like it’s on fire.’

Why do we call it ‘doing laundry’ when we’re not really doing anything?

I don’t understand why people say ‘it’s a small world’ when there are 7 billion people on it.

Why do we pronounce ‘Wednesday’ as ‘wenz-day’? It should be spelled ‘wed-nes-day’.

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