Humorous Mark Twain Quotes to Brighten Your Day

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. – Mark Twain

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. – Mark Twain

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory. – Mark Twain

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. – Mark Twain

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. – Mark Twain

I can resist everything except temptation. – Mark Twain

Don’t let schooling interfere with your education. – Mark Twain

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain

The secret of getting ahead is getting started. – Mark Twain

A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read. – Mark Twain

Humorous Mark Twain Quotes to Brighten Your Day part 2

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. – Mark Twain

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. – Mark Twain

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. – Mark Twain

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. – Mark Twain

Weather is a literary specialty, and no untrained hand can turn out a good article on it. – Mark Twain

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. – Mark Twain

Don’t wait. The time will never be just right. – Mark Twain

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. – Mark Twain

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. – Mark Twain

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. – Mark Twain

Familiarity breeds contempt—and children. – Mark Twain

October: This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. – Mark Twain

Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. – Mark Twain

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. – Mark Twain

The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it’s that they know so many things that just aren’t so. – Mark Twain

The lack of money is the root of all evil. – Mark Twain

Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. – Mark Twain

When in doubt, tell the truth. – Mark Twain

Golf is a good walk spoiled. – Mark Twain

I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won’t. – Mark Twain

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog. – Mark Twain

Honesty is the best policy; when there is money in it. – Mark Twain

Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. – Mark Twain

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well. – Mark Twain

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. – Mark Twain

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. – Mark Twain

The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. – Mark Twain

The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. – Mark Twain

In Paris, they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language. – Mark Twain

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. – Mark Twain

I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself. – Mark Twain

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. – Mark Twain

Let us endeavor to live so that when we come to die, even the undertaker will be sorry. – Mark Twain

A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him. – Mark Twain

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. – Mark Twain

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. – Mark Twain

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory. – Mark Twain

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. – Mark Twain

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. – Mark Twain

I can resist everything except temptation. – Mark Twain

Don’t let schooling interfere with your education. – Mark Twain

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain

The secret of getting ahead is getting started. – Mark Twain

A person who won’t read has no advantage over one who can’t read. – Mark Twain

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. – Mark Twain

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. – Mark Twain

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. – Mark Twain

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. – Mark Twain

Weather is a literary specialty, and no untrained hand can turn out a good article on it. – Mark Twain

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. – Mark Twain

Don’t wait. The time will never be just right. – Mark Twain

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. – Mark Twain

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. – Mark Twain

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. – Mark Twain

Familiarity breeds contempt—and children. – Mark Twain

October: This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. – Mark Twain

Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. – Mark Twain

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. – Mark Twain

The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it’s that they know so many things that just aren’t so. – Mark Twain

The lack of money is the root of all evil. – Mark Twain

Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. – Mark Twain

When in doubt, tell the truth. – Mark Twain

Golf is a good walk spoiled. – Mark Twain

I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won’t. – Mark Twain

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog. – Mark Twain

Honesty is the best policy; when there is money in it. – Mark Twain

Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. – Mark Twain

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well. – Mark Twain

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. – Mark Twain

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. – Mark Twain

The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. – Mark Twain

The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. – Mark Twain

In Paris, they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language. – Mark Twain

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. – Mark Twain

I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself. – Mark Twain

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. – Mark Twain

Let us endeavor to live so that when we come to die, even the undertaker will be sorry. – Mark Twain

A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him. – Mark Twain