Fuck Off Quotes – The Perfect Comebacks for Dealing with Jerks

I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.

Sorry, I don’t speak stupid.

I’m not a proctologist, but I know an asshole when I see one.

I’m allergic to stupidity, so I can’t be around you.

If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I’d fart.

Your opinion is as valuable as a flat tire.

I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

I’m not a gynecologist, but I know a cunt when I see one.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.

If stupidity was a crime, you’d be serving a life sentence.

Are you always this dumb, or are you just making a special effort today?

Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were an expert in everything.

I may be a jerk, but at least I’m not pretending to be someone I’m not.

Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.

I’m not a mind reader, but I can already tell you’re not worth the effort.

If I had a dollar for every brain you don’t have, I’d have one dollar.

I hope for your sake stupidity isn’t painful.

I’m not saying you’re stupid, I’m just saying you have bad luck when it comes to thinking.

I may not be perfect, but at least I’m not you.

I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.

I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.

You’re like a slinky – not really good for anything, but you still bring a smile to my face when I push you down the stairs.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

I had a great comeback, but my dignity demands that I don’t use it.

I didn’t fall from heaven, but I did crawl out of hell just to meet you.

Maybe if you eat all that makeup you’ll be beautiful on the inside.

I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.

You should really come with a warning label.

I’m allergic to bullshit, and it looks like you’re full of it.

You’re like a penny – two-faced and practically worthless.

I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you.

Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.

You’re the reason we can’t have nice things.

I’m not mean, I’m brutally honest.

Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.

You’re like a dictionary – you add meaning to my life.

I’m not a doctor, but I can tell you’re a pain in the ass.

Your face reminds me of a haunted house – I’m scared to look at it.

I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture us without you.

I’m not a chef, but I can still smell your bullshit from here.

I’m fluent in three languages: English, sarcasm, and profanity.

I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

You bring joy to my day. When you leave.

You’re not stupid; you’re just on a different level of intelligence, one that no one wants to be on.

I’d agree with you, but we’d both be wrong.

I’m not a psychiatrist, but I can already tell you’re crazy.

I’m not a weatherman, but I can tell you’re about to experience a shitstorm.

I’m not ignoring you, I’m just waiting for you to say something intelligent.