Al Bundy Quotes

I have a black belt in shopping.

I’m not saying I’m famous, but I have my own support group for people who can’t stand me.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a big screen TV, and that’s pretty close.

I have two daughters, and they both want to be princesses. Well, they’ll have to keep waiting, because the Bundy kingdom doesn’t have a king.

Marriage is like a tornado. In the beginning, it’s all excitement and passion. But eventually, it sucks the life out of you.

I don’t need a therapist, I have a remote control.

I may not be the best husband, but I’m certainly the most honest. I never promised you a rose garden, I never even promised you a rose.

I’m not just a shoe salesman, I’m a shoeologist. I can tell you everything there is to know about shoes: the size, the style, and which ones to avoid if you want to keep your feet intact.

The only thing better than selling shoes is getting paid for it.

They say happy wife, happy life. Well, I’ve never seen a happy wife, so I guess I’m in the clear.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but at least I never became a soccer mom.

I’m the kind of guy who knows what he wants. And what I want is a cold beer and a warm couch.

Women are like hurricanes. They come into your life and leave a trail of destruction behind.

I can’t stand an overachiever. The only thing worse than a winner is someone who makes you feel like a loser.

I don’t believe in love at first sight. It’s more like irritation at first sight, and then it grows into full-blown hatred.

I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving my energy for the important things, like avoiding work and watching TV.

You know you’re getting older when you start to appreciate the benefits of a good pair of orthopedic shoes.

I may not have a lot of money, but at least I have more hair than my neighbor.

The key to a successful marriage is low expectations.

The Bundy family motto: If you’re not complaining, you’re not paying attention.

I may not have a fancy job or a fancy car, but I’ve got a fancy remote control and a couch that knows me better than anyone.

I’m not a failure, I’m just an underachiever with high standards.

Life is like a sitcom: full of laugh tracks and bad jokes.

If life gives you lemons, make a drink and forget about it.

I don’t need a five-year plan, I need a five-minute nap.

I may not be the king of my castle, but I’m definitely the king of my recliner.

I’ve learned that the secret to happiness is lower expectations. So I’ve set the bar pretty low, and I’m loving life.

I don’t need therapy, I just need a vacation where no one can find me.

I may not have a fancy degree, but I’ve got a degree in street smarts and a PhD in avoiding work.

I’m not lazy, I’m just highly skilled at finding ways to not do anything productive.

I may not have a lot of money, but I have a lot of clever comebacks and that’s worth more than gold.

Marriage is like a game of chess, except the queen has all the power and the king is just a pawn.

I may not have a trophy wife, but I have a collection of old trophies from my glory days in high school. Close enough.

I don’t need a personal trainer, I have a treadmill and a fridge full of beer. I call it the ultimate fitness plan.

I may not have a fancy job title, but I’m the CEO of my own life and that’s all that matters.

I don’t need a therapist, I have a TV remote and a bottle of whiskey. They solve all my problems.

My wife says I have a one-track mind, but at least I’m always on the right track towards the couch.

I’ve learned that happiness is not about what you have, it’s about what you don’t have to do.

I may not have a big house or a fancy car, but I have a big heart and a quick wit. That’s more than enough for me.

I’m not a quitter, I’m just highly skilled at avoiding things I don’t want to do.

I may not be the most successful person, but I’m definitely the most comfortable.

I don’t need a personal trainer, I have a TV remote and a bag of potato chips. That’s all the exercise I need.

I may not be rich, but I have a wealth of humor. And that’s worth more than money any day.

I don’t need a fancy job to feel important. I’m important because I say so, and that’s good enough for me.

I may not have a lavish lifestyle, but I have a wild imagination. And that’s priceless.

I don’t need a fancy car to impress people. All I need is a car that runs and a sense of humor that never quits.

I may not have a successful career, but I have a successful marriage. I’ve managed to stay married for over 20 years, and that’s an accomplishment.

I don’t need a big paycheck to be happy. I have a big heart and a big appetite for laughter, and that’s more fulfilling than any job.

I may not have a high-powered job, but I have a high-powered sense of humor. And that’s enough to get me through the day.

I don’t need a fancy lifestyle to feel fulfilled. I have a loving family and a quick wit, and that’s all I need to be happy.