Adam Sandler Quotes

I look at couples holding hands and I think, ‘Wow, I wish I had someone that would hold my hand.’ And then I think, ‘I should buy some gloves.’

I’m not a womanizer, I’m a woman appreciator.

People say I have no taste, but I like you.

I don’t diet. I just tell myself, ‘You’re allergic to kale.’

Life’s short, have dessert first.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy saving mode.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze them in someone’s eye.

Behind every successful man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Life is like a scooter – you have the most fun when you’re not on it.

I don’t make mistakes, I make spontaneous educational opportunities.

I don’t need a vacation, I need a teleportation device to get me to the beach.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

I don’t need anger management, I need people to stop being idiots.

I always carry a map, because I get lost in thought really easily.

I’m not old, I’m just well-seasoned.

I don’t have a bucket list, I have a f*cket list.

If procrastination was an Olympic sport, I’d compete in it later.

I’m not late, I’m on my own time zone.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I don’t trust anything that can think for itself if I can’t see where it keeps its brain.

I don’t chase dreams; I ask them where they’re going and meet them there.

Don’t worry, be crappy.

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over them.

I don’t wear a watch because I want to be timeless.

If there’s a chance it could lead to baby-back ribs, count me in.

I’m pretty sure I’m a superhero. My power? The ability to eat junk food and not gain weight.

My wife told me to go to the gym. I walked to the refrigerator, that counts.

I tried being normal once, it didn’t work out.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy ice cream, which is pretty much the same thing.

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party.

I don’t get older, I level up.

I never feel more alive than when I’m avoiding something I should be doing.

I may be a joker, but I’m not playing games.

I don’t need a personal trainer, I need someone who follows me around and slaps the unhealthy food out of my hand.

I don’t have bad handwriting, I have my own font.

I don’t follow trends, I start them.

I come up with my best ideas in the shower. Too bad I can’t remember them by the time I’m dressed.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just practicing my yoga moves.

My brain is 90% song lyrics and movie quotes.

The best way to predict the future is to create it.

If you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much space.

I don’t need a superhero cape, I have an amazing personality.

I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy.

I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me – as an extra in a comedy movie.

I don’t need a hairdresser, I need someone to follow me around and fan my hair dramatically.

I have a black belt in sarcasm.

I don’t need a personal assistant, I need someone to come and do my adulting for me.

I don’t sweat, I sparkle.

I’m not messy, I’m just creatively organized.

I don’t need a therapist, I need a friend with a boat and a sense of humor.