I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She hugged me.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Why be moody when you can shake your booty?

If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving is definitely not for you.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me lazy, I’d probably hire someone to pick up my money.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just taking the floor for a spontaneous dance.

Without ME, it’s just AWESO.

The only exercise I do is running out of patience.

I’m not shy, I’m just holding back my awesomeness for the right moment.

I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Never trust an atom, they make up everything!

I’m not arguing, I’m simply explaining why I’m right.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.

I don’t have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination.

I didn’t fall, the floor just needed a hug.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

If I won the lottery, I’d donate some to charity and keep the rest for shopping.

Common sense is like deodorant, the people who need it the most never use it.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-efficient mode.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

I live in a constant state of readiness for the zombie apocalypse.

In a world full of Kardashians, be a Phoebe.

I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.

I always carry a pen in my pocket, because you never know when someone may ask for an autograph.

I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I only speak in emoji to confuse my family and friends.

If procrastination was an Olympic sport, I’d probably finish last.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.

I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

Common sense is like deodorant, the people who need it the most never use it.

If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

I live in a constant state of readiness for the zombie apocalypse.

In a world full of Kardashians, be a Phoebe.

I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.

I always carry a pen in my pocket because you never know when someone may ask for an autograph.

Laughter is the best medicine, but I didn’t go to medical school.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes – she hugged me.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a mission to rearrange the floor’s layout.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

Behind every successful person is a substantial amount of coffee.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy for when it really matters.

Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired!

I wear glasses because without them, I can’t see the humor in life.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!

I accidentally bumped into my ex today; with my car… Oops!

If there is a will, there are five hundred relatives.

I took up jogging for my health, but all I seem to do is run out of breath.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!

I accidentally bumped into my ex today; with my car… Oops!

If there is a will, there are five hundred relatives.

I took up jogging for my health, but all I seem to do is run out of breath.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!

I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a mission to rearrange the floor’s layout.

I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy for when it really matters.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I wear glasses because without them, I can’t see the humor in life.

Behind every successful person is a substantial amount of coffee.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you? And well you should not.

Do or do not. There is no try.

Pass on what you have learned. Strength, mastery, hmm… but weakness, folly, failure also. Yes, failure most of all. The greatest teacher, failure is.

Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.

Much to learn you still have, my young padawan.

The force is strong with this one.

Wars not make one great.

Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you?

Difficult to see. Always in motion is the future.

Always pass on what you have learned.

A Jedi uses the force for knowledge and defense, never for attack.

Adventure. Excitement. A Jedi craves not these things.

You must unlearn what you have learned.

In a dark place we find ourselves, and a little more knowledge lights our way.

Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter.

To be Jedi is to face the truth, and choose. Give off light, or darkness, Padawan. Be a candle, or the night.

In a galaxy far, far away, patience you must have.

Control, control, you must learn control!

Judge me by my size, do you? And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is.

The greatest teacher, failure is.

Adventure. Excitement. A Jedi craves not these things.

That is why you fail.

To answer power with power, the Jedi way this is not. In this war, a danger there is, of losing who we are.

You think Yoda stops teaching, just because his student does not want to hear? A teacher Yoda is. Yoda teaches like drunkards drink, like killers kill.

Do not assume anything Obi-Wan. Clear your mind must be if you are to discover the real villains behind this plot.

Named must your fear be before banish it you can.

You will find only what you bring in.

Control, control, you must learn control!

With great power, comes great responsibility.

Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you?

Happens to every guy sometimes this does.

You were the chosen one!

Many of the truths that we cling to depend on our point of view.

Secret, shall I tell you? Grand Master of Jedi Order am I. Won this job in a raffle I did. Hmm? Jedi Council, take you in I will. Hmm? Good relations with the Wookiees, I have. Hmm. Powerful Jedi, I am. Hmm? But not are you. Hmm. Through the force, things you will see. Other places. The future, the past. Old friends long gone.

A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack.

Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Consume you, it will.

When you look at the dark side, careful you must be. For the dark side looks back.

Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is.

The fear of loss is a path to the dark side.

Truly wonderful the mind of a child is.

In the end, cowards are those who follow the dark side.

If no mistake you have made, yet losing you are… a different game you should play.

The dark side clouds everything. Impossible to see the future is.

Always pass on what you have learned.

In this war, a danger there is, of losing who we are.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy saving mode.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a secret mission to test gravity.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I’m not addicted to coffee. We’re just in a committed relationship.

I’m not a chef, I just microwave like a boss.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just a ninja in training.

If common sense was a person, it would have taken a vacation from me long ago.

I’m not stalking you, I’m just researching your life intensely.

I’m not short, I’m fun-sized for your convenience.

I don’t make mistakes, I just have unexpected learning opportunities.

I’m not lazy, I’m in energy-saving mode.

I’m not messy, I’m creatively organized.

I’m not forgetful, I’m just living in a parallel universe.

I’m not talking to myself, I’m just having a team meeting.

I don’t have a special talent, I’m just easily entertained.

I’m not late, I’m just on my own unique time zone.

I don’t need an alarm clock, my internal alarm wakes me up at random times.

I’m not a couch potato, I’m an indoor relaxation expert.

I don’t need a personal trainer, my cat keeps me active with its constant demands for attention.

I don’t have bad luck, I just live in a neighborhood full of opportunities.

I’m not clumsy, I’m directionally challenged.

I don’t have a favorite color, I just can’t make up my mind.

I don’t have a sweet tooth, I have an entire bakery in my mouth.

I’m not addicted to social media, I just have high levels of FOMO.

I’m not a morning person, I’m a pillow enthusiast.

I’m not weird, I’m just a limited edition.

I don’t need an alarm clock, my phone gets lonely and starts making noise.

I’m not lost, I’m just taking the scenic route.

I don’t need caffeine, I’m already naturally hyper.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just hugging the floor excessively.

I’m not a control freak, I just have strong suggestions.

I don’t procrastinate, I just enjoy doing things at the last minute.

I don’t snore, I provide background music while sleeping.

I’m not a troublemaker, I’m just allergic to boredom.

I’m not late, I just like to practice patience.

I don’t have a short attention span, I just prefer to multitask all the time.

I’m not ignoring you, I’m just mentally vacationing somewhere else.

I’m not a comedian, I’m just a professional at making bad jokes.

I don’t need a personal assistant, my phone knows everything about me.

I don’t believe in luck, I believe in random acts of awesomeness.

I’m not a morning person, I’m just nocturnally inclined.

I don’t have road rage, I have car enthusiasm.

I don’t have a six-pack, I have a family pack.

I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong because I can twist the truth to fit my narrative.

A successful relationship is just two imperfect people refusing to give up on each other.

A relationship should be built on love, laughter, and a little bit of sarcasm.

Marriage: the only war where you sleep with the enemy and steal the covers.

If a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every six months about it.

Being in a relationship is like being on a roller coaster. Sometimes you’re screaming in fear, and other times you’re laughing uncontrollably.

Relationships are like smartphones. You constantly have to be charging them up.

In a relationship, don’t count the hours you spend together; count the laughs you share.

Love is sharing your popcorn even when you want to eat the whole bag yourself.

Relationships are like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.

The secret to a happy relationship is a sense of humor and a short memory.

A good relationship is when your partner knows how you take your coffee, even if they don’t drink it themselves.

A successful relationship is built on love, trust, and the ability to enjoy each other’s weirdness.

The best way to keep your relationship alive is by constantly making fun of each other.

Love is blind, marriage is an eye-opener, and divorce is a forceps.

A relationship is like a game of chess. One wrong move, and your queen will end up being taken.

Don’t worry if your partner doesn’t complete you. A relationship is not a puzzle – it’s a two-pizza kind of thing.

Falling in love is easy, staying in love requires a sense of humor.

I love you more than I love Netflix, but please don’t ask me to choose.

Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably crap.

A good relationship is when someone accepts your past, supports your present, and encourages your future stupidity.

I love you with all my belly. I would say heart, but my belly is bigger.

Relationships are like puzzles. Sometimes you just need to take a break and look at the bigger picture.

Love is swapping your fries for their onion rings without hesitation.

If love is blind, marriage is like opening your eyes underwater.

The best relationships are the ones where you can act like total idiots together.

In a relationship, one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

Love is finding someone who looks at you like you’re their favorite pizza.

A good relationship is built on equal parts love, trust, and a shared hatred for doing the dishes.

Love is sharing your food and your deepest, darkest secrets.

Relationships are like skis. If one person falls, the other should yell, ‘Pizza!’

True love means accepting each other’s weird habits and still wanting to share a bathroom.

A relationship without laughter is like a song without a melody – it just doesn’t work.

The key to a successful relationship is never going to bed angry. Unless someone ate the last slice of pizza, then all bets are off.

Love is when someone knows all your flaws and still finds you absolutely cute.

Being in a relationship is like a marathon. No matter how tired you are, you keep pushing through until the finish line.

A good relationship is built on trust, laughter, and the ability to discreetly pass gas in front of each other.

Love is knowing that no matter how messy life gets, someone will always be there to hold your hand and say, ‘We’ll figure it out.’

In a relationship, the best kind of pillow talk is about food and future vacation plans.

Love is not having to hold in your farts around each other.

A successful relationship is finding someone who will annoy you the least out of everyone else you know.

Being in a relationship means having a built-in teammate for all of life’s adventures, and someone to blame when things go wrong.

Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably crap.

A relationship without trust is like a phone without a signal. You end up playing games.

Love is surviving each other’s cooking experiments without ordering takeout.

The best relationships are the ones where you can be weird together and still have the most fun.

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott

Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way. – Michael Scott

I’m not saying I’m Superman, but have you ever seen us in the same room together? – Dwight Schrute

I am Beyoncé, always. – Michael Scott

I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me. – Michael Scott

I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to tune myself out. – Kelly Kapoor

I’m not crazy. I just have way more energy than any normal person. – Andy Bernard

Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I do not do that thing. – Dwight Schrute

I’m not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn’t even close. Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40 I had less money than I did when I was

– Creed Bratton

Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are too flashy, so I’m forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls. – Angela Martin

I’m like an owl. I’m wise, and I have a lot of feathers. – Erin Hannon

I’m not a hero. I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else. – Michael Scott

The worst thing about prison was the dementors. – Prison Mike (Michael Scott)

I’m not reliable on a day-to-day basis, but when it really matters, I always come through. – Jim Halpert

I didn’t ask for it, but I was born with a competitive edge, and I guess that’s what has gotten me to where I am today. – Dwight Schrute

I can’t be bought. But I can be rented, temporarily. – Stanley Hudson

I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them. – Andy Bernard

People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses, second only to the neck. – Dwight Schrute

I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but at least I’m not a spoon. – Kevin Malone

It’s like Shakespeare said, ‘Pearls before swine.’ – Andy Bernard

A mistake plus keleven gets you home by seven. – Kevin Malone

I love catching people in the act. That’s why I always whip open doors. – Dwight Schrute

I am aware of the effect I have on women. – Michael Scott

I’m not a fan of this word ’employee.’ You have no idea how high I can fly. – Creed Bratton

I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most. – Darryl Philbin

I’m not a bad guy. I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell? – Stanley Hudson

I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. – Kevin Malone

You know what they say. Fool me once, strike one, but fool me twice… strike three. – Michael Scott

I am fast. To give you a reference point, I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose… and a panther. – Dwight Schrute

I don’t want to live in a world without cheetahs. I could, but I don’t want to. – Ryan Howard

I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake. – Phyllis Vance

We need a new plague. – Dwight Schrute

Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year! – Dwight Schrute

I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl. So, I’m wise and I have worms. – Michael Scott

I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all, and it’s terrible. – Michael Scott

I’m always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter that makes stairs. – Andy Bernard

Nobody likes beets, Dwight! You should grow something everybody does like. You should grow candy. – Jim Halpert

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott

Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that’s always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing. – Michael Scott

I am not a hero. I do nothing heroic. I’m not even brave enough to be a coward. I just do what I’m told. – Kevin Malone

Why waste time say lot word when few word do trick? – Kevin Malone

I know I’m not perfect, but I try to be a good person, and I protect my friends. – Pam Beesly

Goodbye, Toby! It’s been nice. Hope you find your paradise! – Andy Bernard

When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life. – Angela Martin

I’m not really good with people. – Toby Flenderson

My job is so funny, I laugh all the way to the office!

Work is so funny, I could write a stand-up routine about it.

They say laughter is the best medicine, so I guess my job is a full-time doctor!

My job is like a circus act, with me juggling tasks and dodging office politics.

Work might be serious, but I choose to find the humor in it.

Being a comedian would be easier than dealing with some of these work deadlines!

I’m convinced that my job was created just to give me material for my stand-up routine.

Sometimes I wonder if my job is a real job or just a practical joke gone too far.

Laughing at work is my secret talent.

I’m considering changing career paths to become a professional laughter generator.

If my job was an emoji, it would definitely be the laughing face.

I never thought I’d say this, but I actually look forward to Monday mornings for the laughs.

Working 9 to 5 might be exhausting, but at least it gives me funny stories to tell at parties.

Every day at work is like stepping into a comedy show, with unexpected punchlines at every corner.

The best way to survive a boring job is to find the humor in it.

My job interview was basically a stand-up comedy routine, and I nailed it!

If laughter is the best medicine, then working a funny job is the ultimate cure.

I once laughed so hard at work that my boss thought I was having a meltdown.

I might not be a professional comedian, but my colleagues think I should moonlight as one.

When life gives you work, make sure to add a dash of humor.

Work is like a box of chocolates, you never know when you’ll find a funny coworker.

Funny job perk: I don’t need to pay for a gym membership because I get enough cardio from laughing.

Proof that you’re in a funny job: you can’t tell if your coworkers are being serious or sarcastic half the time!

They say laughter is contagious, so I’m just being a responsible coworker by infecting everyone with humor.

Even on my worst workday, I can always count on my job to provide a few funny moments.

Funny job requirement: must be able to laugh at your own jokes.

Laughter might be the best policy, but it doesn’t always go over well in meetings.

In my career, the laughter is the bonus, not the paycheck.

Work might be stressful, but I consider myself a professional stress reliever through humor.

My boss once told me my humor was too distracting, so I had to bring laughter into the workplace under the radar.

Working in a funny job is like being stuck on a never-ending comedy tour.

Funny jobs should come with a warning label: ‘may cause uncontrollable laughter.’

If my job was a sitcom, I’d definitely be the comic relief character.

They say laughter is the best form of communication, so I guess I’m fluent in funny.

Humor should be a required skill in every job description.

My coworkers can always count on me to turn a dull meeting into a laughing session.

Funny job tip: always keep a stash of funny memes for emergencies.

What’s the difference between a boring job and a funny job? Five cups of coffee and a sense of humor.

If my job was a stand-up comedy routine, I’d be performing at sold-out arenas.

Best part of a funny job: you get paid to make people laugh.

I might not be a comedian by profession, but I definitely have the comedic timing down in the office.

Working in a funny job is like getting paid to attend a comedy show every day.

I once tried to sprinkle humor into my job application, and they hired me on the spot.

A funny job is like a good haircut – it makes your day brighter and more stylish.

If a job is worth doing, it’s worth doing with a smile and a few funny anecdotes.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a yacht big enough to sail right up to it.

I asked my bank if they could perform a comedy routine, but they said their business model doesn’t allow for many laughs.

I don’t mind spending money, as long as it’s someone else’s.

Money talks, but mine just says goodbye.

The best things in life are free, but the really good things cost a whole lot of money.

I used to be a cashew, but then I found my true calling as a penny-pincher.

I may not have much money, but I’m rich in witty comebacks.

Why does money smell so good? Because it’s scents-ational!

I thought about investing in stocks, but then I realized I prefer a good bowl of chicken noodle soup.

The only thing ‘high risk’ about me is my love for shopping spree.

The problem with money is that it never seems to be as funny as it is in a comedy sketch.

Why did the coin go to therapy? It had too many issues with change.

I think money is like sea waves: it comes and goes, and sometimes it leaves you all wet.

I’m not saying I’m cheap, but I just invented DIY reusable toilet paper.

Instead of a piggy bank, I have a porky bank, because why not add some humor to saving money?

Why did the dollar go to the party? To get a little change.

Money may not buy love, but it can definitely rent a fancy car to impress a potential date.

I tried to take a banknote to the gym, but it kept making excuses not to work out.

What do you call a pile of money that’s also a great dancer? Cha-Ching!

I found a fiver in the street today. I thought, ‘Well, this changes everything… I can buy two coffees now!’

I told my wallet it needed to lose weight, and it responded by giving me a blank stare.

My credit card company called to ask where I’ve been. I told them, ‘Enjoying life on the ‘pay later’ plan!’

Money can’t buy love, but it can buy a pretty convincing illusion of it.

I saw a $100 bill floating in the air today. I guess that’s what they mean when they say money doesn’t grow on trees.

I tried to make a coin laugh, but it was too cents-itive.

I asked my boss for a raise and he told me, ‘Money doesn’t grow on trees.’ I replied, ‘Well then, I guess I’m in the wrong line of work!’

Why did the dollar go to school? To get its cents of education.

Money may not buy happiness, but it sure can buy me a chocolate bar, and that’s close enough.

I’m not saying I’m obsessed with money, but I did name my dog ‘Cashew’.

I tried sending money by email, but the receiver just got stuck in the spam folder.

Why did the quarter run away? It didn’t want to be a part of the change!

I refuse to spend money on therapy when I can get the same amount of relief from shopping.

I’m not saying I’m bad with money, but I can turn a $20 bill into a receipt faster than anyone I know.

I found a banknote in my pocket and felt like a winner… until I realized it was from a different country.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can definitely buy ice cream, and that’s pretty close.

Why did the dollar bill go to the doctor? It felt a bit defaced.

I used to have a fear of change, but then I realized it was also my ticket to buying snacks from the vending machine.

Money can’t buy love, but it can definitely rent it for a while.

I’m not saying I’m addicted to money, but I did install a cash register sound as my phone’s text notification.

I had a dream that I won the lottery, and then I woke up and realized it was just my imagination playing tricks on my wallet.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but it sure can buy a lot of cats… and that’s pretty close.

I tried to make a joke about money, but it just turned into a currency exchange.

Money may not buy happiness, but it can buy me a ticket to a comedy show, and that’s close enough.

Why did the bank note go to therapy? It needed some change management.

Being rich doesn’t make you happy, but it sure does make a dark chocolate bar taste better.

I asked the librarian if she had a book on paranoia, she leaned in close and whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I wouldn’t say I’m a morning person, but I’m definitely not a mourning person. I leave that to the zombies.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

They say laughter is the best medicine, but if you laugh for no reason, you need medicine.

My bank account is a like a 3D movie. There’s always something popping out that I didn’t expect.

I broke my pencil today and it drew blood. Now I understand why they’re called stationary.

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!

I made a pencil with two erasers, but it was pointless.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I was going to tell a joke about infinity, but then I realized it has no end.

I got expelled from math class for staring too long at my X.

You can’t run through a campground. You can only ‘ran,’ because it’s always past tents.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I’m not clumsy, it’s just that the floor hates me, tables and chairs attack me, and walls get in my way.

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they might crack up!

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I’m not clumsy, it’s just that the floor hates me, tables and chairs attack me, and walls get in my way.

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they might crack up!

Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn’t stop the rain but allows us to keep going.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.

I stopped fighting my inner demons. We’re on the same side now. Planning world domination.

You know you’re getting old when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

I don’t need anger management; I need people to stop irritating me.

Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they would be bagels!

I once had a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

I didn’t want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

Marriage is like a deck of cards – you need a heart to love, a diamond to marry, a club to smack if they misbehave, and a spade to bury the body.

Wedding vows: the ultimate test of your memory and your ability to lie with a straight face.

The secret to a successful marriage? Just remember that you’re always right, and they’re just always wrong.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy and ask them to do the laundry.

Marriage: the bond that keeps a man from flirting and a woman from shopping.

Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park!

Why fall in love when you can fall asleep and eat pizza instead?

Weddings are like going to the theater – the main show is good, but the real entertainment is watching the drunk guests on the dance floor.

A successful marriage is all about finding someone who can tolerate your weirdness and still love you for it.

Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person ordered, you wish you had ordered that instead.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

In my house, I’m the king, and my wife is just the decision-maker.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

My wife and I were perfectly happy until we got married.

Marriage is a workshop where the husband works and the wife shops.

Being in a long-lasting marriage is like competing in a marathon… except you’re running against yourself and chocolate cake.

Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is cluttered with dirty laundry and the pieces are all arguing.

Love is patient, love is kind. And if that doesn’t work, love is getting separate beds.

I love being married! It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

A good marriage is like a casserole – only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.

Marriage is trading freedom for someone to share the last slice of pizza with.

The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest they’re too old to do it.

My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.

Behind every great man stands a woman rolling her eyes.

No relationship is perfect; it’s all about finding someone who puts up with your nonsense.

Marriage is all about finding that one person you want to annoy for the rest of eternity.

The four most important words in any marriage: I’ll do the dishes.

Marriage is like a workshop, where even the smallest mistakes are magnified… for the rest of your life.

Marriage is an institution of three rings – engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway!

I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.

Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man-child who can’t take care of himself.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

Husband and wife: two small words, but for some, it’s the entire dictionary.

Marry someone who looks at you the same way as when pizza arrives.

Marriage is finding that one person who likes waking up next to you, despite your morning breath.

Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.

Marriage is all about compromise – for example, agreeing with your spouse on where to spend the holidays… yours or mine.

Marriage is like a phone charger – it’s only useful when plugged into the right socket.

Marriage is made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.

It’s not a true wedding unless the bride accidentally throws the bouquet through an open window.

Marriage is like a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

A wedding is just a fancy party where you get to eat cake and pretend to be mature.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence, and second marriages are the triumph of hope over experience.

Love is grand, but chocolate is even sweeter!

I’m single and ready to mingle this Valentine’s Day!

They say love is blind, but my dating history suggests otherwise.

I’m allergic to cheesy Valentine’s Day gestures; get me pizza instead!

My true love this Valentine’s Day? Netflix and my favorite pajamas.

Roses are red, violets are blue, if you don’t bring chocolates, this date is through!

Valentine’s Day is just a reminder that I’m still waiting for my Hogwarts acceptance letter.

I’m sorry, I can’t make any plans for Valentine’s Day – I have a hot date with a tub of ice cream.

Love may be a battlefield, but my exes were more like landmines.

Valentine’s Day is just a conspiracy between greeting card companies and florists to empty our wallets.

If love is a drug, then Valentine’s Day is just an overdose waiting to happen.

Instead of a dozen roses, I’d prefer a dozen donuts this Valentine’s Day.

Relationship status this Valentine’s Day: eating a heart-shaped pizza, no regrets.

The key to a successful Valentine’s Day? Low expectations.

Who needs a Valentine when you have a pet that loves you unconditionally?

My love language is sarcasm, so this Valentine’s Day, prepare for some witty banter.

Valentine’s Day is great and all, but have you ever tried eating a whole box of chocolates by yourself?

Roses are red, violets are blue, who needs a date when I’ve got WiFi too?

My love life is like a romantic comedy – without the romance, just the comedy part.

Valentine’s Day is the perfect excuse to embrace my inner cat lady.

Valentine’s Day is just another reminder to update my dating profile.

I may not have a Valentine, but I have a great sense of humor – that counts, right?

Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to appreciate all the single people in our lives.

Love is in the air this Valentine’s Day – along with a hint of desperation and discount chocolates.

Valentine’s Day is the only day I’m allowed to consume an entire heart-shaped box of chocolates guilt-free.

They say love is blind, but my bank account can see all those expensive Valentine’s Day gifts.

Peace, love, and awkward Valentine’s Day exchanges.

I’m not single, I’m just in a long-term relationship with freedom and independence.

Cupid must have missed with his arrow because my love life is non-existent.

Valentine’s Day: the one day I can dress up and pretend I have a love life for a couple of hours.

Valentine’s Day is great for couples, but even better for discounted chocolates the day after.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again with a heart-shaped pizza?

Who needs a Valentine’s Day date when I can have a DIY spa day and a glass of wine?

Valentine’s Day is a reminder that I need a dog who loves me unconditionally, with no expectations of grand gestures.

Instead of sending me flowers, just Venmo me the money so I can order takeout.

Valentine’s Day should come with a warning: excessive cheesiness may cause indigestion.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’ll be my own Valentine because I deserve it too!

Being single on Valentine’s Day just means I have extra money to treat myself – win-win!

All you need is love… and a good sense of humor to survive this Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day is just a reminder of all the exes I’m grateful I don’t have to buy gifts for.

Can you be my Valentine? I promise not to write any cringeworthy poems about roses and love.

Who needs a romantic candlelit dinner when you can have a candlelit bubble bath instead?

If love is blind, why are lingerie stores so popular on Valentine’s Day?

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m spending Valentine’s Day watching rom-coms for two.

Valentine’s Day is the one holiday I can fully embrace being single and fabulous!

New Year’s resolutions are just like babies: fun to make but extremely difficult to maintain.

My New Year’s resolution is to be less awesome since I can’t handle all the attention.

May all your troubles last as long as your resolutions!

My New Year’s resolution is to stop pretending that I haven’t been eating directly from the cookie jar at midnight.

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

This New Year’s, I resolve to live life in the moment – specifically, in the 5 seconds between hitting snooze and getting out of bed.

The only exercise I’ll be doing this year is flipping through the channels on my remote control.

I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.

Let’s celebrate New Year’s Eve by making lots of bad decisions that we can blame on the alcohol.

My resolution is to spend less time interacting with people and more time with my phone.

May all your troubles last as long as your resolutions!

New Year’s resolution: ignore more text messages and answer fewer phone calls.

My resolution is to eat more cupcakes because life is too short for kale.

New Year’s resolution: procrastinate more… starting tomorrow.

I’m starting to think that New Year’s resolutions are just a clever marketing ploy by gyms to make more money.

My resolution for this year is to be less patient… starting tomorrow.

The best part about making New Year’s resolutions is breaking them. That way, you can be a failure right from the start!

My New Year’s resolution is to stop pretending that I haven’t been using my treadmill as a clothes hanger.

This year, instead of making New Year’s resolutions, I’ll just blame my Zodiac sign for my poor life choices.

Here’s to opening a bottle of wine and pretending that the past year never happened.

My resolution is to stop pretending that five-second rule doesn’t apply to all food.

This year, I’ll eat all the chocolate because I really need to sweeten up my life.

May your true friends be fewer, but the good pizzas more this year.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop watching funny cat videos. Said no one ever.

Instead of resolutions, this year I’m making a list of things to pretend to care about.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions – about a week.

Remember, it’s not the destination that matters, it’s how many episodes you binge-watch on Netflix to get there.

My resolution is to be more self-aware, but after a few glasses of champagne, I’ll settle for just being aware of my surroundings.

New Year’s Resolution: More carbs, less cardio. I’m ready for a year of pasta and naps.

This year, I’m planning to give up resolutions. After all, I’m perfect just the way I am!

Why make a fresh start when you can just refresh the old one?

My resolution is to remember every word of the ‘Auld Lang Syne’ song… or at least the ones that actually exist.

My New Year’s resolution is to find out how to do the ‘running man’ dance move without actually running.

This year, I’ll be more spontaneous. As soon as I can plan it out perfectly.

May your troubles be less, your blessings be more, and nothing but happiness come through your door… unless it’s pizza delivery.

I’m looking forward to the new year, mainly for the new calendar with cute puppies on every page.

No matter how much we may dislike it, deep down, we all secretly look forward to failing our New Year’s resolutions.

This year, I’m resolving to be more punctual… except when it comes to returning borrowed items.

My resolution is to stop blaming autocorrect for my inappropriate text messages. It’s not my fault, it’s my phone’s!

May your New Year’s resolution be as short-lived as your attention span.

My goal for the new year is to stop pretending that I’ll start exercising before Netflix asks me if I’m still watching.

New Year’s resolution: stop getting sidetracked by funny cat videos… starting next year.

My resolution is to figure out if there’s a filter that can make me look like I’m always on vacation.

May the New Year bring you love, joy, and may it be just as good as last year’s.

This year, let’s resolve to make better bad decisions!

Who needs a Christmas tree when you can just decorate a pile of laundry?

Christmas cheer: the only time of year when it’s socially acceptable to wear an ugly sweater.

Dear Santa, define ‘nice’.

The best way to spread Christmas cheer is to sing loud for all to hear… or give everyone a pair of noise-canceling headphones.

Christmas is all about love and joy… and strategically avoiding family drama.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll settle for red.

Christmas calories don’t count, right? Asking for a friend.

I wish everyone a Merry Christmas, except the people who already have their decorations up in October.

Christmas is the perfect time to give handmade gifts… if by ‘handmade’ you mean ‘bought online and delivered in a box’.

I’m dreaming of a silent night, just kidding, it’s more like a chaos-filled holiday season.

Christmas is the time to be merry and bright… or completely stressed and exhausted.

Rudolph’s red nose is cute until you remember he’s basically the only one with a DUI.

Christmas tip: if someone gives you coal, just regift it as a performance art piece.

Santa: making a list, checking it twice, and still getting your name wrong since the beginning of time.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll start collecting marshmallows.

Don’t get your tinsel in a tangle, just let it hang and call it a modern art installation.

Christmas shopping? More like a marathon of dodging salespeople and impulse buying.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Okay, most of the year. Fine, once in a while. Just leave presents.

Christmas greetings: May your presents be pricier than your relatives.

The best part of the Christmas season? Wearing stretchy pants and blaming it on the cookies.

Christmas spirit: the only time of year when it’s socially acceptable to sneeze glitter.

Just remember, Santa only visits houses with WIFI. So, upgrade that connection, folks!

Christmas tip: If someone gives you a gift, pretend it’s exactly what you wanted even if it’s an avocado.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll settle for a Netflix marathon.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly… and peelings of tangled up fairy lights.

Christmas wish: May all your socks have a matching pair and all your family dinner conversations stay civil.

Forget about chestnuts roasting on an open fire, I’m more interested in marshmallows toasting on my hot cocoa.

Dear Santa, I can explain… but you probably won’t believe me anyway.

Christmas sweaters: because nothing says ‘I gave up on fashion’ like a giant Rudolph on your chest.

You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout… unless you want coal in your stocking.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but let’s be honest, I’m in Florida, so a mild breeze would do.

May your Christmas lights blink as fast as your credit card gets declined.

Christmas cards: the easiest way to pretend you remember people you haven’t seen in years.

Nothing says ‘Merry Christmas’ like finding wrapping paper shreds in your bed until July.

Christmas shopping: the only time of year when it’s acceptable to push people out of the way for a good deal.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good this year… well, not GOOD good, but good enough considering the circumstances.

‘Tis the season to be jolly, and drink eggnog until you forget about your holiday stress.

Christmas wish: may your family’s political conversations be as well-spiced as your holiday cookies.

Remember, it’s not the gift that counts, it’s the Instagram post of you pretending to love the gift.

Christmas dinner: a chance for your uncle’s questionable cooking to shine… or burn, whichever comes first.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll accept snowflakes made of paper.

May your Christmas be filled with joy, laughter, and less awkward family photos than last year.

Christmas stockings: because nothing says ‘I love you’ like random small objects wrapped in oversized socks.

Dear Santa, I can explain my search history… but it might not be suitable for the Naughty or Nice list.

Christmas morning: the time when all the uncontrollable screaming before coffee is actually acceptable.

I’m dreaming of a beach vacation, where the only worry is how many shades of suntan lotion to bring.

Holidays are like diets—there’s always tomorrow to start again.

My holiday plans? Eat, sleep, swim, repeat.

Vacation calories don’t count…until they show up on the scale.

The only exercise I’ll be doing on vacation is flipping through the cocktail menu.

Life is short. Take the vacation, buy the shoes, eat the cake.

Drinks with tiny umbrellas automatically taste 50% better.

Every great vacation starts with the words ‘Hold my passport.’

Happiness is a passport stamp.

I’m on a seafood diet—when I see food, I eat it!

The best way to spread holiday cheer is by singing loud for all to hear. Or just drinking more eggnog.

If a vacation doesn’t involve getting lost, then it’s not an adventure worth having.

My favorite travel destination? Anywhere with Wi-Fi and room service.

Traveling is the only thing you can spend money on that makes you richer.

How to have a beach body?

Have a body.

Go to the beach.

The only thing better than a vacation is planning the next one!

I need a vacation that lasts six months, twice a year.

I didn’t choose the beach life, the beach life chose me.

I’m not a tourist, I’m a professional vacationer.

I’m not lost—I’m exploring.

You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy a plane ticket, and that’s pretty close.

I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.

My holiday motto: ‘Treat yo’self!’

Family holidays: the only time ‘Why not?’ becomes ‘Because I said so!’

Vacations are the best excuse to wear your pajamas 24/7.

I need a six-month holiday, twice a year.

Holidays are the best excuse to overindulge and pretend the calories don’t count.

If you think adventure is dangerous, try routine—it’s lethal.

I’m not anti-social, I’m just pro-vacation.

Jet lag is just your soul saying, ‘Catch me later.’

Need an escape? Just add a beach.

I’m not short, I’m just concentrated cuteness.

Running away from my responsibilities? Nah, just on a much-needed holiday.

When life gives you lemons, swap them for coconuts and have a beach party.

Vacations are like a glass of champagne for the soul.

I don’t need a holiday. My soul is already on a permanent vacation mode.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

Holidays are like relationships: they’re best when they’re hot and sunny.

The only tan lines I want are from my inflatable flamingo float.

Life is better in flip-flops and sunglasses.

Travel is the only thing you can buy that makes you richer in memories, but poorer in savings.

A vacation is not complete without emptying your wallet on souvenirs you’ll never use.

Paradise is just a coconut away.

I’m not lazy, I’m energy-efficient.

Holiday Rule #1: Have fun. Rule #2: See Rule #1.

Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet!

The only workout I’ll be doing this holiday is lifting a glass of eggnog.

Holiday calories don’t count… right?

My favorite part of the holidays? The food coma afterwards.

Santa knows if you’ve been naughty or nice, but he doesn’t judge if you’ve been eating too much pie.

Dear Santa, this year please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. And please don’t mix those up like you did last year.

May your holiday season be filled with laughter, love, and lots of calories.

I’m on a seafood diet this holiday season – I see food and I eat it!

Whoever said happiness comes in small packages has never received a large box of chocolates.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, but I’ll probably find them empty because Santa knows I ate all the treats.

Christmas dinner is the perfect time to say grace and take a few bites in between.

My holiday card is just going to say ‘Calories don’t count during the holidays’.

Holiday baking rule: If at first, you don’t succeed, order pizza.

If someone says you don’t need more sweets this holiday season, unfriend them. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

They say time flies when you’re having fun, but it really flies when you’re eating cookies.

My New Year’s resolution is to spot the difference between a snowflake and powdered sugar on a cookie. Should be easy, right?

Christmas: the only time of the year when it’s acceptable to be more interested in what’s under the tree than what’s on it.

May your holidays be as joyous as the moment you first realized Black Friday sales were extended to Cyber Monday.

Santa’s sleigh isn’t the only thing getting lit this holiday season.

Deck the halls with boughs of jolly – and don’t forget the jingle bells on your stretchy pants.

The best thing about holidays? Finding out which relatives you’ll be avoiding at the dinner table.

Did you hear about the dyslexic guy who tried to cook his Christmas turkey? He accidentally stuffed it with his cat.

What’s red and white and falls down the chimney? Santa after too much eggnog!

I tried counting sheep to fall asleep during the holidays, but they all turned into sugar plum fairies and started dancing.

Why does Santa always go down the chimney? Because it soots him!

Holiday shopping tip: Keep calm and pretend it’s on the list you left at home.

Don’t get your tinsel in a tangle – there’s plenty of eggnog to go around!

The awkward moment when Santa says ‘ho ho ho’ and your grandma says ‘ha ha ha’ because she got the joke.

May your holidays be filled with awkward family photos and fruitcakes you can re-gift next year.

Who needs mistletoe when you can kiss under the glow of holiday lights and a fridge full of leftovers?

The best gift during the holidays is the one that makes you forget how old you are.

My wish list this year? More parking spots near the mall entrances and fewer calories in holiday treats.

If you think I’m classy at dinner parties, you obviously haven’t seen me unwrap a present on Christmas morning.

Who needs a gym membership when you can just do the ‘fork lift’ to your mouth all season?

Forget about finding peace on Earth this holiday season, I just want to find the TV remote.

The best thing about the holiday season? It gives us an excuse to wear stretchy pants all day, every day.

Holiday tip: If you run out of wrapping paper, just wrap the gifts in that pile of clothes you’ve been meaning to do laundry with.

Christmas is the time to open our hearts and pop the corks on champagne bottles.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good most of the year. Okay, once. In January. But let’s not dwell on the details.

May your holiday season be filled with laughter, love, and excessive amounts of chocolates shaped like reindeer.

Christmas baking is the reason I have trust issues with my own scales.

Dear Santa, I can explain… everything!

Holidays are like cookies – they deserve to be indulged in, even if they crumble sometimes.

Christmas is too sparkly… said no one ever!

May your days be merry and bright, and may your holiday decorations outshine your neighbor’s inflatable snowman.

I’m so scared of Halloween, I’m dressing up as a normal person.

Halloween is the one night a year when people actually wear what’s on the inside.

I’m not a regular witch, I’m a cool witch.

Witches be like ‘Can you brew me some coffee?’

I’m just here for the boos.

If you’ve got it, haunt it!

My favorite witch is my wife.

I’m a ghostwriter – I boo all my readers.

Don’t make me flip my witch switch.

I’m just here for the candy, but I’ll take a broomstick ride too.

Trick or treat yourself!

Who needs a superhero when you can dress up as a vampire?

Don’t be a basic witch, be a wicked witch.

Halloween is the one time of year where it’s acceptable to be a little batty.

Witch better have my candy!

I’m too cute to spook.

If a zombie bites you on Halloween, just remember: No brains, no pain.

You can’t scare me, I’m a teacher!

Stop witching and start praising.

Candy corn is the worst vegetable ever invented.

Fangs for the memories!

I’m friends with the monsters under my bed.

Eat, drink, and be scary!

Halloween calories don’t count, right?

Stay spooky, my friends.

If you’ve got it, haunt it!

I’m just here for the boos.

No tricks, just treats!

Witch, please.

Creepin’ it real on Halloween night.

I’m so candy corny, I’m practically a Halloween joke.

Brew-tiful things happen on Halloween.

Stay ghostly and ghastly!

Hocus pocus, I need coffee to focus.

Creepin’ it real since day one.

Halloween is the perfect time to show off my witchy side.

I’m just a scary cat trying to be a cool ghoul.

I’m too boo-tiful to be scary!

I’m not a regular mummy, I’m a cool mummy.

Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat, or I’ll haunt your dreams tonight!

I’m all about the potions, not the emotions.

Halloween is the time when it’s socially acceptable to dress like a psychopath.

Halloween is my favorite holiday because it’s the one day I can be as creepy as I want.

I’m not a monster, I just enjoy chilling with the skeletons.

I’m scary good at eating Halloween candy. It’s my superpower.

One Christmas I got a sweater from my grandma that I wanted to re-gift. It’s still making its way around my family, eight years later!

Why did Santa go to music school? Because he wanted to improve his wrapping skills.

I asked Santa for a new bike for Christmas, but I guess he thought I said ‘briefcase’ because all I got was a suit!

The best way to spread Christmas cheer is to sing loudly off-key for all to hear.

Santa seems jolly, but I bet he’s just one bad toy away from a full-on meltdown.

I put so much effort into wrapping gifts nicely, but my kids still tear through them like wild animals on Christmas morning.

I don’t need mistletoe this Christmas, I’ll just hold a credit card over my head and wait for my spouse to kiss me.

My favorite Christmas tradition is sitting in my pajamas all day, eating cookies, and pretending that I’m a Christmas elf.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red!

My holiday diet plan: Rock around the Christmas tree and eat everything on the bottom branches.

Christmas shopping would be so much easier if everyone’s sizes were listed on their forehead.

My family’s Christmas dinners can get so chaotic that I’ve considered using an air traffic controller to manage it.

Who needs Santa when I have Amazon Prime?

I love Christmas cookies so much that I could eat my weight in gingerbread men. And trust me, that’s a lot of gingerbread.

The only thing that should be frozen during the holidays is Elsa.

I’ve tried to teach my dog to sing Christmas carols, but he just howls ‘Jingle Bells’ off-key.

How do Christmas angels greet each other? ‘Halo there!’

If you think nobody cares about you, try forgetting to buy a gift for someone this Christmas.

I can’t wait to hear Santa’s belly laugh on Christmas Eve. It’s like a jolly earthquake!

Christmas is the time of year when my full-time job becomes wrapping presents and my part-time job becomes finding the right hiding spots for said presents.

I’m dreaming of a tropical Christmas, where palm trees replace Christmas trees and hammocks replace stockings.

The best Christmas decorations are the ones you can eat.

Why did Santa go to therapy? Because he had a clause-trophobia!

The best way to spread Christmas cheer is to throw tinsel at everyone and yell, ‘I’m an elf!’

Don’t blame Santa if you’re on the naughty list. He’s just like a Google search engine – he knows if you’ve been bad or good.

My ideal Christmas gift is a silent alarm clock – one that doesn’t make a sound but still wakes me up early to open presents.

Christmas is the season to be jolly… and to receive socks as gifts.

Tinsel: The glittery gift that keeps on giving until July.

Who needs a partridge in a pear tree when you can have a pizza in a lemon tree?

Christmas dinner shouldn’t count as a cheat day, it should count as an Olympic sport.

How come Santa doesn’t wear a mask while delivering presents? Because he got his COVID vaccine from the North Pole’s top scientists.

I asked Santa for a body like the Rock for Christmas but instead, he gave me a rock-hard fruitcake.

How do Christmas trees prevent sniffles? They decorate themselves with no-sneeze ornaments!

A Christmas without snow is like a caroler without a tune – it’s just not right.

I tried to take a selfie with Santa, but all I got was a photo of the top of my head and Santa’s fluffy hat.

Why did Santa bring a ladder to the Christmas party? Because he heard the drinks were on the house!

My Christmas spirit is strong, but my ability to wrap presents in a neat and tidy manner? Not so much.

Watering a Christmas tree is like taking care of a pet that sheds endless pine needles.

If Santa sneezes while delivering presents, does that count as spreading Christmas cheer or spreading germs?

My Christmas shopping strategy is to buy something for myself, forget to remove the price tag, and then pretend I bought it as a gift for someone else.

Santa knows if you’ve been naughty or nice, but does he know when you’ve Netflix-binged an entire season in one day?

Christmas cards are the only acceptable way of bragging about how cute your family is without getting called out for it.

I told my kids that their Elf on the Shelf had to quarantine for 14 days, and now they think our elf is practicing social distancing.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I won’t turn down a Rose Christmas either.

The true magic of Christmas lies in the fact that socks become an exciting gift rather than a disappointing necessity.

I may not be able to lift heavy weights, but I can lift your spirits with my hilarious gym stories!

Gym time: the only place where ‘I can’t’ becomes ‘I can’t even.’

I don’t always do cardio, but when I do, I check the time every five minutes.

Dear treadmill, it’s not me, it’s you. Sincerely, every gym-goer.

My trainer told me to ‘just do it,’ so I went home and took a nap.

Remember, the only six-pack I’m aiming for is the one in my fridge.

I’m not saying I hate the gym, but I definitely prefer Netflix and a bag of chips.

Gym membership: the most expensive subscription to never use.

You know you’ve had a good workout when your face turns as red as a tomato and you sound like a dying walrus.

Don’t worry if you can’t do a push-up. Pizza is always there to support you!

I don’t sweat, I sparkly a little.

The gym is my happy place because where else can you spend hours with strangers who pretend they’re not staring at you?

I hate leg day so much that I sometimes consider it a funny way to take the stairs.

Abs are great, but have you tried eating a cheeseburger instead?

I love doing squats. Just kidding, I meant reading through funny gym quotes while sitting on my couch.

I don’t always exercise, but when I do, I take a selfie to prove that I did.

Gym time is my therapy session, where I can unleash my inner comedian and my inner sweat monster.

Being fit is all fun and games until you see a spider crawling on the treadmill.

I workout because I know that one day, I will be pizza’s secret lover.

Fitness tip: if you can’t laugh at yourself, I will happily laugh at you in the gym mirror.

I have a love-hate relationship with the gym. I love it when it’s closed.

My exercise routine consists of running late to the gym and lifting excuses.

I’m not short, I’m just more aerodynamic for the treadmill.

Gym etiquette rule #1: don’t make eye contact while sharing the water fountain, it’s just awkward.

I should probably bring a blanket to the gym because I’m always doing ab-solutely nothing.

Gym life is all about balance: balancing my workout and balancing a donut on my dumbbell.

I go to the gym because it’s the only place where I can blame my red face on exercise instead of embarrassment.

They say never skip leg day, but I argue that skipping to the fridge for food is a workout too.

The hardest part of the gym is not the exercise; it’s trying to find a parking spot.

At the gym, I’m a mix of Dwight Schrute and Chandler Bing. I’m serious and sarcastic at the same time.

I joined a gym to get fit, but ended up getting fitter… at avoiding going to the gym.

The gym is my playground, and the weights are my toys. It’s like being a kid, except with less energy and more sore muscles.

I don’t count calories; I’d rather count the days until cheat day.

If my gym playlist doesn’t consist of ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and ‘Push It,’ am I even working out?

I tried doing yoga, but I realized that twisting my body into a pretzel is better suited for a snack, rather than a workout.

If someone asks if I even lift, I like to respond with ‘only pizza and heavy sarcasm.’

They say you should listen to your body, so mine is telling me to go home and watch Netflix instead.

I may not have a six-pack, but I can party like I do. Who needs abs when you have a sense of humor?

My exercise routine is based on the idea that running late and taking the stairs counts as cardio.

The key to a successful workout is to take a funny gym quote with you, so you can laugh at it and forget you’re even exercising.

I don’t always go to the gym, but when I do, I make sure to avoid any mirrors.

Arnold Schwarzenegger may have said ‘I’ll be back,’ but at the gym, I’m more like ‘I’ll be on the couch with chips.’

My workout clothes are just a costume to pretend that I’m actually going to the gym.

I can do a million burpees. Just kidding, I can barely do one without collapsing.

The gym is where the magic happens – the magic of finding creative ways to avoid exercising.

El éxito no es la clave de la felicidad, la felicidad es la clave del éxito. – Albert Schweitzer

La vida es demasiado corta para desperdiciarla en preocupaciones. Enfócate en lo que te hace feliz.

La alegría de vivir está en disfrutar de los pequeños momentos y apreciar las cosas simples de la vida.

La actitud positiva es el imán de la felicidad y el éxito.

Siempre hay una razón para sonreír, encuentra la tuya y haz que valga la pena.

El único límite para alcanzar tus metas es el que tú mismo te pones.

Cada día es una oportunidad para empezar de nuevo y hacer cosas increíbles.

La felicidad no se trata de tener lo que deseas, sino de apreciar lo que ya tienes.

La vida es como una bicicleta, para mantener el equilibrio debes seguir adelante.

Mantén tus pensamientos positivos, porque tus pensamientos se convierten en tu realidad.

Cuando creas en ti mismo, todo es posible.

El éxito no es definitivo, el fracaso no es mortal: lo que cuenta es el coraje para continuar.

No mires hacia atrás con arrepentimiento, mira hacia adelante con esperanza.

El optimismo es el imán de la felicidad. Si te mantienes positivo, cosas buenas y personas positivas vendrán a tu vida.

La felicidad es un estado mental, no una meta a alcanzar.

Eres más fuerte de lo que crees, más capaz de lo que imaginas y más amado de lo que puedas saber.

La vida es un regalo, ábrela y disfruta cada momento.

No esperes a que las condiciones sean perfectas para ser feliz, porque la felicidad está en apreciar las imperfecciones.

Cada día es una página en blanco, escribe una historia maravillosa.

No te compares con otros, simplemente sé la mejor versión de ti mismo.

El amor y la bondad son la clave para iluminar tu camino en la oscuridad.

La gratitud transforma lo que tenemos en suficiente.

Sé valiente y arriesga, incluso si fallas aprenderás lecciones valiosas.

No importa cuántas veces caigas, lo importante es levantarte una vez más.

La confianza en uno mismo es el primer secreto del éxito.

El único fracaso es no intentarlo.

Disfruta del viaje, no solo de la meta.

No permitas que los obstáculos te detengan, conviértelos en oportunidades.

La belleza está en los ojos de quien la ve, busca lo positivo en cada situación.

Cambia tus pensamientos y cambiarás tu mundo.

Nunca es demasiado tarde para ser lo que podrías haber sido.

No existe una fórmula mágica para el éxito, solo trabajo duro y perseverancia.

La vida te da lecciones, tú decides si las conviertes en bendiciones o en obstáculos.

No importa cuán lento vayas, siempre y cuando no te detengas.

Agradece cada día por las oportunidades que tienes y por las personas que te rodean.

La sonrisa es un imán para la felicidad, nunca dejes de sonreír.

Cada día es una nueva oportunidad para ser mejor de lo que eras ayer.

Creer en ti mismo es el primer paso para conseguir lo que deseas.

La vida no se trata de esperar a que pase la tormenta, se trata de aprender a bailar bajo la lluvia.

El cambio no siempre es fácil, pero siempre es posible.

No te rindas, porque las cosas buenas llegan a aquellos que siguen adelante.

La felicidad no es algo que se encuentra, sino algo que se crea.

Sueña en grande, trabaja duro y no te rindas hasta que lo logres.

La vida es como un espejo, te devuelve lo que reflejas. Refleja amor, felicidad y positividad.

Cada día es una nueva oportunidad para vivir plenamente y perseguir tus sueños.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard

The only way to do great work is to love what you do. – Steve Jobs

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. – Albert Schweitzer

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving. – Albert Einstein

The road to success is always under construction. – Lily Tomlin

The best way to predict the future is to create it. – Peter Drucker

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have. – Thomas Jefferson

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. – Thomas Edison

The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary. – Vidal Sassoon

The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time. – Joe Girard

Don’t watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going. – Sam Levenson

If you want to achieve greatness, stop asking for permission. – Anonymous

A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure. – Unknown

Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going. – Jim Rohn

The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary. – Harvey Specter

Success is not in what you have, but who you are. – Bo Bennett

Do what you love and the money will follow. – Marsha Sinetar

The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. – Nelson Mandela

Don’t be afraid of change. You may lose something good, but you may gain something even better. – Unknown

Happiness is not the absence of problems, it’s the ability to deal with them. – Steve Maraboli

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. – Eleanor Roosevelt

Your time is limited, don’t waste it living someone else’s life. – Steve Jobs

Success is walking from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm. – Winston Churchill

In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. – Albert Einstein

Believe you can and you’re halfway there. – Theodore Roosevelt

The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. – Franklin D. Roosevelt

The harder you work for something, the greater you’ll feel when you achieve it. – Unknown

The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday. – Unknown

Don’t stop until you’re proud. – Unknown

It always seems impossible until it’s done. – Nelson Mandela

Laughing is the best exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside. – Unknown

I am not lazy, I am just on energy-saving mode. – Unknown

I’m not clumsy. The floor just hates me, the table, and the chairs are bullies too. – Unknown

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. – Don Marquis

I never lose. Either I win or I learn. – Unknown

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. – Lily Tomlin

You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps. – Unknown

Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. – Kyle Chandler

A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory. – Mark Twain

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. – Unknown

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. – Oscar Wilde

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia. – Charles M. Schulz

Don’t be afraid of change. You may end up losing something good, but you will probably gain something better. – Unknown

If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. – W.C. Fields

The only thing that stands between you and your dream job is the will to try and the belief that it is actually possible. – Unknown