Witty and Hilarious Quotes to Brighten Your Day

I’m not lazy, I’m in energy-saving mode.

I don’t need anger management, I need people to stop pissing me off.

The hardest job in the world is probably being a referee in a game of ‘I spy’.

Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.

I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me.

Do I run? Yes, out of time, patience, and money.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a big hug.

If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving is definitely not for you.

I’m sorry, did my eye roll offend you?

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

My ability to remember song lyrics from the ’80s is inversely proportional to my ability to remember why I walked into a room.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

Dear autocorrect, I didn’t mean to say ‘flock off’. I meant ‘block’.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

My goal in life is to have as many hilarious stories to tell at parties as there are recipes on Pinterest.

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

I’m not lazy, I’m just in energy-saving mode.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say, ‘Hey, that one looks like an idiot!’

If mornings were shoes, they’d be Crocs.

When life gives you lemons, squirt them in someone’s eye.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut.

I’m not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a committed relationship.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

I’m not an early bird or a night owl. I’m some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.

They say money talks, but mine just says, ‘Goodbye!’

I don’t need a hairstylist, I just need a hat.

Life is like a hot bath. It feels amazing at first, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

My prince is not coming on a white horse, he’s obviously riding a turtle somewhere, really confused.

I don’t need Google, my wife knows everything.

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

Nothing is impossible. Except trying to lick your own elbow.

The only drama I enjoy is in my lashes.

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

I saw a candy wrapper on the ground and I thought, ‘I hope I didn’t drop that!’

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just testing the gravity of the situation.

When life gives you lemons, add vodka and throw a party!

I talk to myself because sometimes I need expert advice.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode.

If there was a award for laziness, I’d send someone to pick it up for me.

I hate when my phone dies, and I have to read a book like some kind of caveman.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.