Top Inspirational and Humorous Al Bundy Quotes

It’s not the dress that makes you look fat, it’s the fat.

Don’t try to understand women, women understand women and they hate each other.

Women want romance before something else. Men just want something else. Just give us two minutes, then you can have your romance.

You can’t respect a man that kisses your hand, like he’s the Pope or something. No, you want a man that’ll toss you up against the wall, check your oil and get out before he wakes your kids.

I love the smell of a dollar in the morning.

Everything I own is in the shop getting repaired or I’ve just paid to get repaired, which soon will be broken again because nothing’s made in America anymore.

Hooters, hooters, yum, yum, yum. Hooters, hooters, on a girl that’s dumb.

I can’t take much more of this. It’s like being married to a blender, only you can’t stick your hand in this one.

A fat woman came into the shoe store today. She had flesh like raw chicken. I thought she was going to lay an egg right in the store.

It’s only cheating if you get caught.

Life’s not about how hard of a hit you can give, it’s about how many you can take, and still keep moving forward.

You think I’m a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn’t respect me, a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every morning when I wake up, I know it’s not going to get any better until I go back to sleep again. So I get up, have my watered-down Tang and still frozen Pop Tart, get in my car with no upholstery, no gas, and six more payments to fight traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes on the cloven hooves of people like you. I’ll never play football like I thought I would. I’ll never know the touch of a beautiful woman. And I’ll never again know the joy of driving without a bag on my head. But I’m not a loser. ‘Cause, despite it all, me and every other guy who’ll never be what he wanted to be, is out there, being what we don’t want to be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I didn’t put a gun in my mouth, you pudding of a woman, makes me a winner!

I’m not a smart man, but I know what love is.

I’m the only guy I know who’s not a loser. I’m the king!

I’m the best there is. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

Who gets up early to go to work? The poor! That’s who.

You’re in my world now, baby. And in my world, there’s only one rule: don’t mess with Al Bundy!

The only reason men get lost is because women won’t stop asking them for directions.

Give me a beer, a remote, and a football game and it’s paradise.

Happiness is just a clean toilet and a magazine.

A man’s castle is his home… until the queen arrives.

You think I?m a loser? Because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn?t respect me, a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every morning I wake up, I know it?s not going to get any better until I go back to sleep again. So I get up, have my watered-down Tang and still-frozen Pop Tart, get in my car with no upholstery, no gas, and six more payments to fight traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes onto the cloven hooves of people like you. I?ll never play the game as well as you, and I?ll never be as successful. But you know what? I won?t be a loser either.

I’m the only guy in the world who has to wake up to have a nightmare.

It’s not the dress that makes you look fat. It’s the fat.

Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I’m not perfect and I don’t live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean.

I wouldn’t be caught dead at an opera unless they were serving beer.

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

If you want to accuse me of living in the past, you?re absolutely right. If the present were any more agonizing, I?d live in the future.

I just want to sit here and drink beer and watch the game.

Money can’t buy happiness. But poverty can’t buy anything.

If I wanted to sit around all day going nowhere, I’d be a teacher!

A fat woman came into the shoe store today…

I recently read that love biologically is just a trick to get us to reproduce, so we’re no better than amoebas.

Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.

Beautiful women make us buy beer, ugly women make us drink beer.

I’m not yelling! I’m just having an allergic reaction to the universe!

You know I’d never sell my house. What would I do without my room of tranquility? A place to go when the day just gets to be too much.