Steve Martin Quotes

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.

I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is.

I’ve got to keep breathing. It’ll be my worst business mistake if I don’t.

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you’re an idiot.

I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

You know there are some nights when you go on stage, and you have absolutely no idea what you’re going to say. When you’re desperate you say things you’d never say in front of an audience.

It’s so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it’s like, religion, you really can’t take it seriously, because it seems so mythological; it’s like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

I’m not sure how social media works, but I think that’s what people do.

You know, a lot of people come to me and they say, ‘Steve, how can you be so funny?’ I just tell them, ‘I try to live my life as an idiot.’

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

I’m a rambling guy. I think my proclivities are clear.

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

It’s a very hard thing for all of us to accept ourselves at all the different stages – the horrible side, the wonderful side, the adorable side – and who you are as a grown person and how you act.

I live for the applause. You can’t kid yourself. Relationships end if you come home and it’s not a roar of applause.

I’m tired of wasting letters when punctuation will do, period.

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s wrong with me.

You’re going to be famous after you’re dead. That’s when you get all the girls.

I like to play the ukulele, but I’m not great at it.

Writing is good, thinking is better. Cleverness is good, patience is better.

I like to put jokes into songs.

I do end up in places that are dangerous, and I do end up trying things that are physically demanding. It’s my job, but I also think it’s good to do that stuff.

You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.

I’d do something, but I’m not sure what it is I’m supposed to do. You go out and figure out what you’re supposed to do.

Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration.

It’s hard for people to accept change when they feel things are at their pinnacle.

I have no acting technique I act instinctively. That’s why I can’t play any role that isn’t like me.

I do my act and take a break, sit on the side of the stage and chat with the audience.

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

I know there are people out there who think I’m not bashful.

Having the critics praise you is like having the hangman say you’ve got a pretty neck.

First I made a dress because I was pregnant and I wanted to be the most beautiful pregnant woman. Then I became very involved with the dressmaker, and I realized that I am as I am, and I’m more excited to wear a beautiful dress because I’m me.

I like to write comedy.

I think I did well as an actor because I was never qualified to do anything else.

It’s powerful how a lot of wonderful talents land in one human being, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have lapses on stage.

Creativity should never be confused with obscenity.

Chaos in nature is immediately challenging and forces things to evolve.

I’m just in between jobs.

I am a complex human being, and I have a lot of crazy thoughts, so it’s not unusual for those things to be somewhat political.

Being able to make people laugh or cry, or just divert their attention for two hours, is a tremendous power.

I’m proud to say I’ve never taken myself seriously. I take my work seriously, but I’ve always worked with people who understood that acting is a job.

The media can be a wonderful asset to a campaign and they can be stupid.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I always start writing with a clean piece of paper and a dirty mind.

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