Sarcastic and Hilarious Work Quotes to Brighten Your Day

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. – Douglas Adams

If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

I don’t have a funny work quote because I’m currently at work.

I’m not a control freak, but you’re doing it wrong.

I didn’t choose the closet life, the closet life chose me.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

If I had a dollar for every time my boss said something smart, I’d be broke.

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

I love my job, it’s the work I can’t stand.

The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re done.

I’m not late. I’m just on my own time zone.

I’m not funny, I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.

I’m a multitasking expert. I can listen, ignore, and forget all at the same time.

I’m not saying I hate my job, but I wouldn’t mind being independently wealthy.

I’m sorry, I can’t come to work today. The voices in my head told me to stay home and clean my guns.

Remember, no matter how bad your day is going, at least you’re not an egg on a griddle.

I’m not saying I’m perfect. I’m just saying I’m too cool to admit it.

I’m not bossy, I just know what you should be doing.

I wish I could mute people in real life like I can on Zoom meetings.

I can’t adult today, sorry.

Trying to understand some people at work is like trying to smell the color

When life gives you lemons, throw them back and ask for wine.

I’m ready to tackle the day, just after one more cup of coffee… and a nap.

I’m on that new diet, where I eat whatever I want and hope for a miracle.

I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.

I’m not short-tempered, I just have a quick reaction to stupidity.

I work so I can afford the amount of coffee required to stay awake at work.

I can’t decide if I need a hug, a large coffee, six shots of tequila, or two weeks of sleep.

If I were meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.

Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.

I don’t have an attitude problem, I just have a personality you can’t handle.

Of course, I talk to myself. Who else can I trust?

I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.

My coworkers are like my second family… I can’t wait for Thanksgiving.

Teamwork is important, it helps blame others.

I’m not saying I hate meetings, but if there was a meeting to decide if I should attend meetings, I’d vote ‘no’.

I may not be perfect, but at least I’m not you.

I’m not a workaholic. I just enjoy what I do… and avoid my family.

If you can’t say anything nice, then at least make it sarcastic.

I’m not procrastinating. I’m just prioritizing fun over responsibility.

I’m not saying I’m always right. I’m just saying I’m never wrong.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I’m not sure if I’m the good witch of the North or the wicked witch of the West, but I’ll get back to you.

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