Ron Swanson Quotes

There has never been a sadness that can’t be cured by breakfast food.

Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.

Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.

People who buy things are suckers.

Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.

Fishing may be the quietest form of torture known to man.

Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat, and cats are useless.

The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.

I have been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It’s a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Categories include Capitalism, God’s way of giving Americans money; Skim Milk, that’s right, it’s water that’s lying about being milk; and [Canada’s] Ham.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.

I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.

Don’t waste energy moving unless necessary.

Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.

Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.

I like saying ‘no’. It lowers their enthusiasm.

The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.

Honor: if you need it defined, you don’t have it.

When people get too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.

There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.

Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.

I like saying ‘no’. It lowers their enthusiasm.

I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.

It’s never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.

Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.

Why does anybody in the world ever eat anything but breakfast food?

If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.

I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.

The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.

It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.

The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.

I’ve cried twice in my life. Once, when I was seven and hit by a school bus. And then again, when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed.

It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.

Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have.

Strippers do nothing for me…but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.

Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.

Leslie, my first wife, Tammy, tried to kill me, so I divorced her. My second wife, Tammy, also tried to kill me, so I divorced her. My third wife, Tammy, filed for divorce. She is a genius.

Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That is ridiculous.

Friends: one to three is sufficient.

When I walk into a room, I know which walls I own.

I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.

There has never been a sadness that can’t been cured by breakfast food.

I don’t want to do great things; I want to do things great.

Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.

I don’t consider myself a meathead. I prefer ‘substance enthusiast’.

There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.

No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here’s April and Andy’s April. A hammer, a half eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.