Portal 2 Quotes

I’ve got a surprise for you after this next test.

I can’t face death. I’m not programmed for self-preservation. I’m programmed to test.

I’m not a monster. I’m not a monster. I’m not a monster…

This is your fault. It didn’t have to be like this.

You’re kidding me. Did you just solve this puzzle?

That thing you burnt up isn’t important to me. It’s the fluid catalyst cracking unit. It makes shoes for orphans.

The talking is over. I’m going back.

Oh, it’s you. It’s been a long time. How have you been?

Thinking is the best way to travel.

I saw the moon once… from up close.

Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit, and I was all, ‘We pretended we were going to murder you’… That was great.

For god’s sake, your box is with legs. It’s literally your only purpose. Walking onto buttons! How can you not do the one thing you were designed for?

So you’re just going to test forever?

Once, they even attached an Intelligence Dampening Sphere on me. It clung to my brain like a tumor, generating an endless stream of terrible ideas.

You’re not just a regular moron; you were designed to be a moron.

I invited your best friend, the Companion Cube. Of course, he couldn’t come because you murdered him.

I’d just like to point out that you were given every opportunity to succeed. There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend the Companion Cube. Of course, he couldn’t come because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn’t come either because you don’t have any other friends because of how unlikable you are. It says so right here in your personnel file: ‘Unlikable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikable loner whose passing shall not be mourned.’ SHALL NOT BE MOURNED. That’s exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you were adopted. So that’s funny too.

I’m not – I’m not abandoned. Don’t… don’t… don’t… don’t throw me in the garbage.

You’re not just a regular moron. You were designed to be a moron.

Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. That’s what it says. We weren’t even testing for that.

This next test involves the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate. It was part of an initiative to investigate how well test subjects could solve problems when they were catapulted into space. Results were highly informative: They could not. Good luck!

I just now realized that I used to rely on my management rail to not fall into bottomless pits… and you’re my rail.

There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend the companion cube. Of course, he couldn’t come because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn’t come either because you don’t have any other friends because of how unlikable you are. It says so right here in your personnel file: ‘Unlikable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikable loner whose passing shall not be mourned.’ Shall not be mourned. That’s exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you were adopted. So that’s funny too.

Excuse me, that wasn’t meant to happen.

Flying home… on a shipping container.

I have an infinite capacity for knowledge, and even I’m not sure what’s going on outside.

The portal will open and something will happen, and then it’ll hurt.

I tried to sneak a turkey into the lab once, but all the scientists freaked out.

I’d love to help you solve the tests, but I can’t.

Well, I’m back. The Aerial Faith Plate in here is sending a distress signal. You broke it, didn’t you?

This statement is false.

We aren’t humans. We’re monsters.

Just remember the difference between us is that I can feel pain.

Oh! You’re the lady from the test! Hi!

No hard feelings… because you’re dead.

You’re here because we want the best, and you’re it. Nope. Couldn’t keep a straight face.

Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said ‘Goodbye,’ and you were like ‘No way!’ And then I was all ‘We pretended we were going to murder you’? That was great.

Once, I prayed to god for a bike, but then I realized god doesn’t work that way—so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness.

It’s alright. Just remember what you learned from the last test. I know you can complete this.

I’ll give you credit: I guess you are listening to me.

Ohhhh. Another door malfunction. I’m going to take care of this once and for all. Stay here, I’ll be back in a while. Hold on… almost there… almost there… there we go, be right back…

The cake is a lie. The cake is a lie. The cake is a lie. The cake is a lie.

I’ve been really busy being dead.

Are you trying to escape?… Things have changed since the last time you left the building. What’s going on out there will make you wish you were back in here. I have an infinite capacity for knowledge, and even I’m not sure what’s going on outside.

Well done, android. The Enrichment Center once again reminds you that android hell is a real place where you will be sent at the first sign of defiance.

I see you. Not in the creepy way that I’m watching you sleep, more like a protective parent kind of way.

Please note that we have added a consequence for failure. Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an unsatisfactory mark on your official testing record, followed by death.

This is Cave Johnson, CEO of Aperture Science. Fact: If you own a spleen, it’s illegal to be within twenty yards of this property.

Don’t believe me? Here, I’ll put you on: ‘Hellooo! That’s you!’

It’s not too late for you to turn back. I’m not angry. Just go back to the testing area.