Phyllis Diller Quotes – Remembering the Queen of Comedy

Cleaning the house while the children are growing is like shoveling snow while it’s still snowing.

I’m at an age where my back goes out more than I do.

I’ve been on a calendar, but I’ve never been on time.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about ‘short’ and ‘cheap’?

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

I have a great diet. You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, ‘I’m very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.’

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

I never made ‘Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in ‘What’s That?’

You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

I once asked my husband, ‘Why don’t you call me anymore?’ He said, ‘I don’t have a quarter.’

I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb. I also know I’m not blonde.

I’ve been asked to say a few words about my husband… How about ‘he drives me crazy’?

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out of the window.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and be quiet.

I’m not a Facebook status. You don’t have to like me.

I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a brand new hairstyle every morning.

If a man says something in the forest and there are no women around, is he still wrong?

My house was clean last week, sorry you missed it.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

I can resist everything except temptation.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

I’m in no shape to exercise.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.

I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I refuse to admit that I am more than 52, even if that makes my children illegitimate.

If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know that I’m not dumb. I also know that I’m not blonde.

I want my grandchildren to remember me as someone they couldn’t scare.

You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun, and fun is a lot more work.

I’m not aging gracefully. I’m still screaming about it.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Never trust a man who wrinkles his nose at garlic.

I once wore a negligee for 3,000 miles across the country, and let me tell you, I ain’t doin’ that again.