Peter Griffin Quotes – Laugh Out Loud with Family Guy’s Funniest Lines

I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I’m still a tool.

I used to be smart, but then I got married.

Life isn’t fair, but hey, at least I’ve got a cold beer.

Stupid people are like unicorns – they don’t actually exist.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

I always knew I was destined for mediocrity, but I never thought I’d achieve it this well.

I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.

The best way to deal with stress is to pretend it doesn’t exist.

If ignorance is bliss, then I’m the happiest guy on the planet.

I may not have a lot of common sense, but I make up for it with nonsense.

Life is like a box of chocolates, except I keep eating them all at once.

If life gives you lemons, squirt them in your enemy’s eyes.

I may not be the brightest crayon in the box, but at least I’m colorful.

I have a lot of talents. Unfortunately, none of them are useful.

If you can’t laugh at yourself, I’ll do it for you.

I’m not lazy, I’m just really efficient at doing nothing.

I don’t trust anyone who says they don’t like bacon.

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is 14 days.

I may not be the person my dog thinks I am, but at least I make a good pillow.

I’ve decided to embrace my flaws. After all, they’re the only things I have in abundance.

Life is too short to worry about anything. Let’s eat, drink, and be merry!

I’m not clumsy, I’m just gravitationally challenged.

I don’t exercise because I’m lazy. I exercise because I want to stay in shape…the shape of a pear.

If ignorance is bliss, then I’m the happiest person alive.

Some people say I have a short attention span, but I just like to see how many things I can do at once.

I’m not a quitter. I’m just really good at starting things and never finishing them.

I have a PhD in stupidity, with a minor in idiocy.

I may not have a lot of ambition, but I have a lot of TV shows I want to binge-watch.

I don’t need a personal trainer, I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.

I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy for important things, like napping.

I have a black belt in sarcasm and a PhD in sarcastic comebacks.

Life is too short to worry about being normal.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just overly flexible in unexpected ways.

I try to see the bright side of life, but it keeps blinding me.

I may not always make the right decision, but I always make a decision.

I don’t need a fancy watch to tell me I’m running late. My life does that for me.

I may not be rich, but I’m wealthy in laughter and good company.

The key to my success is low expectations.

I don’t need a personal assistant, I need someone to do my thinking for me.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just an expert at finding creative ways to trip over air.

I may not have all the answers, but I have Siri, and she’s usually helpful.

Life is like a roller coaster, except without the seat belts.

I don’t need a gym membership, I’m naturally flexible when it comes to making excuses.

I don’t need a GPS to navigate life, I just go in whatever direction feels right in the moment.

I may not be the life of the party, but I’m the person who makes the most memorable entrance.

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have an internal clock that wakes me up five minutes before I need to be somewhere.

I don’t need a wellness retreat, I just need a day where I don’t have to deal with any humans.

I may not have a green thumb, but I have a knack for killing plants.

I don’t need a therapist, I just need a good bartender who will listen to my problems and serve me drinks.

I may not have all the answers, but I have an impressive collection of useless trivia.