Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

I don’t have a girlfriend, but I know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I’m not a drinker, but I have friends who are.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah.’

I like escalators because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘escalator temporarily out of order’ sign, only an ‘escalator temporarily stairs.’

I’m against recycling because I believe in landfills.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it’s busy, they start a waiting list. They call out your name, they say ‘Dufrane, party of two’. If no one answers they’ll say their name again. ‘Dufrane, party of two.’ But then if no one answers they’ll just go right on to the next name. ‘Bush, party of three.’ Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing!

I saw a commercial on late night TV that said, ‘Forget everything you know about slipcovers.’ So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn’t know what they were.

My belt holds up my pants, and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What’s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?

I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.

I like Kit Kats, unless I’m with four or more people.

I’m going to open up a travel agency in my house. It will be called ‘Home Away From Home.’

Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I hate dreaming, because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like there, I am a janitor, okay? And then there, I get off work, and I have to dream? You know, there should be a time when you don’t have to dream.

My apartment is infested with koala bears, it’s the cutest infestation ever.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

On a traffic light, green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means ‘where the fuck did you get that banana at?’

I’m sick of society telling me ‘You can’t say that!’ I have freedom of speech. I should be able to say ‘You can’t say that!’

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. ‘Goddamn it, Otto, you’re an alcoholic!’ ‘Goddamn it, Otto, you have lupus!’

I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name.

I’m not against half-naked girls – not as often as I’d like to be.

An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs.

I went into a store and asked the clerk, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut… I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money, you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this.

I used to be a hot tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. ‘Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here!’

I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that’s the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool!

I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.

I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people. Sadly, none of them work.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re relentless.

When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do things besides comedy. They say, ‘Alright, you’re a comedian, can you act?’

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I never joined the army because ‘at ease’ never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly.

I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said ‘Fuck that, I’ll just make a copy.’

You know they call corn-on-the-cob ‘corn-on-the-cob,’ right? But that’s how it comes out of the ground. They should call that ‘corn,’ and they should call every other version ‘corn-off-the-cob.’ It’s not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm ‘Mitch,’ but then reattach it and call it ‘Mitch-all-together.’

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me ‘Brain.’ That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it.

I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.