Lucille Bluth Quotes – Witty One-Liners from Arrested Development’s Iconic Matriarch

I’d rather be dead in California than alive in Arizona.

I’ll be stuffed and mounted if I have to look at your face for one more second!

I don’t understand the question, and I won’t respond to it.

I don’t care for Gob.

I don’t do fake anything.

I made a huge mistake marrying your father.

I would have given you the silent treatment, but I thought you might enjoy it.

I’d rather be lying on the beach half-naked than staring at these man-hands.

I’d rather be dead in a ditch than ask Jake for a favor.

I’m a regular Maria Von Trapp.

I love all my children equally, except for you, Gob.

If I wanted something your thumb touched, I’d eat the inside of your ear.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a yacht big enough to pull right up alongside it.

I’ve been drinking since before you were your mother’s regret!

I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.

I’m sorry, but I don’t speak chicken.

I’d rather be waterboarded than listen to your dull voice.

I don’t care what you say, Maeby, I like being bad.

I don’t see anyone lining up to call you ‘Beautifully Mediocre’…

I’m not your wife, I’m your mother!

I’m not a regular mother, I’m a cool mother.

I’m so glad I had a hysterectomy and I don’t have to listen to these cries for attention anymore.

I’m not a tattletale, but I could spot one from a mile away.

I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to win.

I’m not judging you, I’m just disappointed in you.

I’m not one to hold a grudge, but I’m also not one to forget about it.

I’m sick and tired of being the scapegoat for this family.

I’d rather be the villain than a sidekick.

I’ll be in the hospital bar.

If I wanted to sit around all day, I would have stayed home and drank.

If I wanted to get wet, I’d ask Lindsay for a loan.

It’s not easy being the queen of sarcasm, but someone has to do it.

It doesn’t get more classy than threatening to leave a child in a burning hot car.

It’s not my fault you’re so easily offended.

I’m not a hugger, but I’ll make an exception for money.

I’m not a regular grandmother, I’m a cool grandmother.

I’m not above bribery, I’m just realistic.

If I wanted your opinion, I’d ask for it. Actually, scratch that. I still wouldn’t want it.

It’s not that I don’t love you, it’s just that I love me more.

I’m not a control freak, I just think I can do it better than you.

If I wanted to be overwhelmed, I’d have another child. Oh wait, I did.

It’s not my fault your taste in men is as bad as your taste in clothing.

I’m not a regular mother-in-law, I’m a cool mother-in-law.

I’m not a miracle worker, but I can make you disappear with a single phone call.

It’s not my fault you’re so easily manipulable.

I’m not a hugger, but I would hug a bag of money.

I’m not a liar, I just choose not to share the whole truth.

I’m not a fan of the low-rise jeans trend, but I am a fan of setting them on fire.

If I wanted to smell something unpleasant, I’d stick my head in a dumpster. Oh wait, I already did.

It’s not my fault you’re so easily offended by my fabulousness.