Lewis Grizzard Quotes

Life is too short for fake butter, cheese, or people.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Nothin’ makes you feel as good as a good ol’ belly laugh.

I’m not saying my dog is better than yours, but he doesn’t slobber on your guests.

They say ‘laughter is the best medicine.’ I guess that’s why I never need to buy any other medication.

I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.

I love spring, but my allergies sure don’t.

You can’t put a price on a good meal, but you can certainly put a dent in your credit card.

It’s never too late for a fresh start, unless you’re a pancake.

I believe in fate. It gives me a convenient excuse for my poor decision-making.

Life is a journey, not a destination. Unless you’re talking about a road trip – then it’s definitely about the destination.

I could exercise, or I could just nap instead. Decisions, decisions.

In the game of life, the only winning move is to eat dessert first.

You can’t control what life throws at you, but you can control how you catch it.

I don’t need a personal trainer, I need a personal motivator. Preferably one with a whip.

I’m not saying I’m a genius, but I did manage to successfully assemble IKEA furniture once.

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then add some vodka, because life is too short to drink boring beverages.

I’ve learned that the key to success is delegating. That’s why I have a Roomba vacuuming my floor right now.

The glass isn’t half empty or half full. It’s refillable.

I don’t need a GPS. I have a universal sense of ‘I think it’s that way.’

I’m not a morning person or a night owl. I’m a middle of the day sloth.

I don’t sweat, I glisten. It’s a much more glamorous way to describe my perspiration.

I’m not a hoarder, I’m a collector of potential future eBay sales.

The secret to a happy life is embracing your inner weirdo and finding others who appreciate it.

I prefer to work smarter, not harder. Which is why I spend most of my day on social media.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me average, I’d have enough money to buy myself some self-esteem.

I don’t need a personal assistant, I need a personal time traveler to remind me to do things before they’re due.

I’m not saying I’m indecisive, but I can’t even choose what to watch on Netflix without browsing for an hour.

If sarcasm burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.

I don’t believe in luck, unless it’s the kind that involves finding money in my pockets.

Life is like a roller coaster – it has its ups and downs, and sometimes you just want to scream.

I’m not short, I’m fun-sized.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is take a nap and try again later.

I don’t have a bucket list, I have a ‘screw it, let’s do it’ list.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just a walking abstract art installation.

I don’t mind being called weird, as long as everyone pronounces it correctly: awesome.

There’s nothing wrong with being a little crazy. It’s the normal people you have to watch out for.

Life is a comedy of errors, and I’m the star of the show.

I’m not a quitter, but I am an avoider. There’s a subtle difference.

I try to keep an open mind, but I draw the line at kale smoothies.

I don’t need a therapist, I just need a really good chocolate chip cookie.

I’m not a procrastinator, I’m a master of time management. I just happen to manage it at the last possible moment.

If life were fair, chocolates would be a health food.

I used to have a life, but then I discovered Netflix.

I’m not aging; I’m just adding character to my face.

It’s not the destination that matters, it’s the snacks you stock up on for the journey.

No matter how bad things get, just remember: somewhere, someone is eating a donut.

Life is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re gonna get, but you know it’s gonna be delicious.