Laugh at These Relatable Twitter Quotes

Does anyone else have a playlist called ‘when I’m sad’ and another called ‘when I need to be sad’?

Out of all the people I’ve met in my life, you’re definitely one of them.

I love sleep because it’s like a time machine to breakfast.

My idea of a balanced diet is a burger in each hand.

Life is short, so smile while you still have teeth.

Dear sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger, but I love you now.

Sometimes I wish I were a bird so I could fly over certain people and poop on them.

If procrastination were an Olympic sport, I’d definitely compete, but most likely procrastinate during the event.

I have a PhD in sarcasm and a minor in insomnia.

If being sarcastic burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.

I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

I don’t need anger management, I need people to stop making me angry.

Some people should come with disclaimers: Warning: Has potential to drive you crazy.

I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.

Chocolate doesn’t ask questions, chocolate understands.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

My room isn’t messy, it’s an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.

You can’t make everyone happy, you’re not a taco.

My brain has too many tabs open.

If you can’t remember my name, just call me Fruit Punch. Everyone forgets my name but remembers my punch.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.

You know you’re getting old when you bend over to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

I’m not shy, I’m just quietly evaluating my options to punch you.

Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.

Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

My life is a constant battle between wanting to be productive and wanting to watch Netflix.

I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

I don’t need a prince charming, I need a unicorn.

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch.

I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I bake because punching people is frowned upon.

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

I’m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

I would make a joke about procrastination, but I’ll do it later.

I put the ‘pro’ in procrastination.

Stressed spelled backward is desserts. Coincidence? I think not.

The only difference between a pizza and your opinion is that I asked for the pizza.

I love it when people say ‘get a life’ to me. Like, thanks, but I’m a gamer and I already have many.

My life should be sponsored by coffee.

I did a push-up once. It was terrible, I’m never doing that again.

I can’t adult today, please don’t make me adult.

Friday is my second favorite F word. Food is my first.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me lazy, I’d probably hire someone to pick up the dollar bills.

I can’t decide if I need a hug, a large coffee, or two weeks of sleep.

My superpower is making people instantly feel awkward.

Why be moody when you can shake your booty?

I’m not clumsy, I’m just preparing to become a ninja.