Joan Rivers Quotes

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I hate weddings. Old people would poke me saying, ‘You’re next.’ They stopped when I started doing it to them at funerals.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, ‘The man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it.

I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.

I hate people who wear flip-flops. It’s like saying, ‘I’ve given up. I’m not trying anymore. I don’t care.’

I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery.

In Hollywood, fake boobs are more common than real ones.

If I had told people I’d slept with 500 men, they’d label me a whore. But if I write about it, it’s art.

I’ll tell you how to stay young: hang around with older people.

I had a baby at

It didn’t take me much to get pregnant, so I had to act shocked and surprised when it happened.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

The biggest public relations stunt ever was Princess Diana’s relationship with Dodi Fayed. How did they think they were going to hide a blonde and a millionaire’s son?

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.

Boy George is all England needs – another queen who can’t dress.

Grandchildren can be annoying. How many times can you go, ‘And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink’? It’s like talking to a supermodel.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I’ve learned so much from my mistakes… I’m thinking of making a few more.

If Marie Antoinette had been a six-foot-two black drag queen, history would have been very different.

I hate people who complain about being fat. They annoy me so much, I want to give them a cookie.

Looking fifty is great… if you’re sixty.

I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I wish I had a twin so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.

I hate thin people; ‘Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?’

I don’t exercise. If God wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, ‘The man goes on top and the woman underneath.’ For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

I never had sex because I was always too busy laughing.

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door – or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I don’t eat breakfast because I don’t have time, but I always make sure I have lunch and dinner.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

The only justifiable purpose of a watermelon is to be rolled in front of your boss’s car.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.