Jim Halpert Quotes – Hilarious and Insightful Lines from The Office Character

Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.

Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

The worst thing about prison was the dementors.

Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I do not do that thing.

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

In the end, the greatest snowball isn’t a snowball at all… it’s fear. Merry Christmas.

Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!

I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.

If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.

I’m not really good with advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

I’d like to think that I have the courage to stand up for myself, but I think if I had the courage to stand up for myself, I would have started a long time ago.

I guess the atmosphere that I’ve tried to create here is that I’m a friend first and a boss second and probably an entertainer third.

You know what they say. ‘Fool me once, strike one, but fool me twice … Strike three.’

I am Beyoncé always.

Once again, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I gave it my best shot and I will now kill myself.

You couldn’t handle my undivided attention.

I’m Jim Halpert. I’m not an idiot. I know how to take off a hat.

I think more about the grocery store than anyone really should.

It’s a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work.

Fact: bears eat beets. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.

I feel like all my kids grew up, and then they married each other. It’s every parent’s dream.

Have I ever steered you wrong, Jim? Remember when I said that Chad is very real? And that Jim is very unrealistic? All right. Well, watch this.

Based on the personalities of the people in my office, I would have to say I am very easy to get along with.

I guess the old saying is true. Third time’s the charm.

You know Dwight, when my brother’s mad, he calls me ‘Dwayne’. I’m not sure why.

I’m not made of steel. I’m a human being, I have feelings.

I learn from the mistakes of people who take my advice.

When I’m annoyed with someone, I think of a really mean nickname for them. So I’m pretty good at comebacks.

I don’t understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn’t even work here.

I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can’t say, but, yes.

Sometimes Pam and I will just send each other one-word emails because long emails can be annoying.

I’m not sure where I lost you, but I think it was around the time that I took a job at this company.

The search committee couldn’t find any dirt on me, and trust me, they tried.

Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It’s like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, ‘Hey, man, I love you this many dollars’ worth.’

Andy is the new guy. New guys always have to take the brunt of the hazing. Just ask Jim, right Big Tuna?

I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.

You couldn’t handle my undivided attention.

In the end, the greatest snowball isn’t a snowball at all… it’s fear. Merry Christmas.

I find it interesting that you consider yourself an expert in ‘my opinions.’

I don’t know where I’ll be in five years, but I hope it’s someplace with a beach.

If I were in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, and I had a gun with two bullets, I’d shoot Toby twice.

I’m pretty sure none of that’s real, Pam.

It is better to be hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie.

I just drew a hairy arm on a stick figure. I think I have a gift.

I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them.

I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat.

Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised.

Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.

There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?

One day Michael came in and complained about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.