Henry Youngman Quotes

I once asked my wife to believe in me, but she said something about leprechauns and unicorns.

My wife told me I never listen to her. At least that’s what I think she said.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink and I watch my reflection drink. It’s quite entertaining.

I asked my wife if she ever cheated on me. She said, Oh, honey, why would I need to cheat? You’re all the man I can handle!

I’m so old that when I was born, the Dead Sea was only sick.

I told my wife she’s a terrible cook. She said, Well, you’re a terrible lover. I said, Yes, but we’re talking about food right now.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, Nothin’. So that’s exactly what I got her.

I’ve been married for so long, my wife refers to me as her first husband.

My wife is always trying to make me different, like the neighbors.

My wife said I never listen to her. At least that’s what I think she said.

I told my wife she should tell me if she ever cheated on me. She said, Oh, honey, I would never tell you. You might try to get revenge and I can’t afford a divorce!

I asked my wife if she ever talks to herself. She said, No, I only talk to people that understand me.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

I asked my wife if she’s ever heard of women’s intuition. She said, Oh, honey, I don’t need intuition, I have Google!

My wife gave me an ultimatum: It’s either me or your Monopoly addiction. I can’t believe she doesn’t understand that I can’t resist buying Boardwalk and Park Place!

My wife said, I don’t know why you’re always trying to focus on your faults. Yourselfesteem is sky high!

My wife asked me if I noticed anything different about her. I said, Of course, you’re wearing different clothes.

I told my wife I’m afraid of heights. She said, Oh, honey, you’re afraid of everything. I said, Not true, I’m not afraid of low self-esteem!

I tried to start a band once, but we only knew one song and it was a lullaby. We were a one-hit wonder right from the start.

I asked my wife if she believes in ghosts. She said, Only when you forget something and blame it on a ghost.

My wife asked me if I ever regretted marrying her. I said, Of course not, there’s no room for regret with all the cat hair!

Whenever I’m sad, my wife tells me to imagine myself as a butterfly. So now I often find myself floating away from reality.

My wife told me she’s always right. I said, That’s because whenever you’re wrong, I mysteriously forget it.

I asked my wife if she noticed that I switched the salt and sugar jars. She said, I didn’t notice, but I did notice our pancakes tasted awful this morning.

My wife told me she wishes I was more romantic. So now I put on a candlelit dinner every night for my dog.

I asked my wife if she has any secrets. She said, No, but I do have a lot of unsolved mysteries.

My wife asked me if I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world. I said, Of course, if we restrict it to this room only.

I told my wife she has a good sense of humor. She said, You’re just saying that because I laugh at all your jokes.

My wife asked me if I think she’s gained weight. I strategically replied, Of course not, the gravitational pull has just increased.

I asked my wife what she would do if I won the lottery. She said, I’d take half and leave you. I said, That’s not fair, you don’t even play the lottery!

My wife asked me if I thought she was a good driver. I said, Honey, you’re an excellent driver. Just not in the same universe as the rest of us.

I told my wife I wanted to be a comedian. She said, You should start by being funny at home.

My wife told me she’s not happy with our relationship. I said, Well, darl