George Costanza Quotes

Jerry, just remember, it’s not a lie if you believe it.

I’m George. I’m unemployed and I live with my parents.

A costume party? Are we still doing that?

It’s not a lie, if you don’t know the truth.

I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable.

I’m disturbed, I’m depressed, I’m inadequate. I’ve got it all!

I’m like a commercial jingle. First it’s a little irritating, then you hear it a few times, you’re humming it in the shower, by the third date, it’s ‘Buy Mennen!’

I’m not a quitter, I always stick things out to the bitter end.

I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham.

A bathroom is a holy place, things are said in there; things that you can’t take back.

Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable. I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but … I was perceptive. I always know when someone’s uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today that every decision I’ve ever made in my entire life has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every aspect of life, be it something to wear, something to eat … It’s all been wrong.

My life is the complete opposite of everything I want it to be.

It’s all about the hands. You gotta have the right hands.

I’ve driven women to lesbianism before, but never to a mental institution!

Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I tell you, I gotta plead ignorance on this thing, because if anyone had said anything to me at all when I first started here that that sort of thing is frowned upon… you know, ’cause I’ve worked in a lot of offices, and I tell you, people do that all the time.

I’m back, baby! I’m back!

I’m going to the back room, where I’ll be devising an exit strategy.

Serenity now!

We’re living in a society!

I’m like a recovering alcoholic; I will always be recovering.

I think I’ve reached a point in my life where I can tell the difference between nougat and cookie.

I love a good nap. Sometimes it’s the only thing getting me out of bed in the morning.

If you can’t say something bad about a relationship, you shouldn’t say anything at all.

I’m gonna play this one from the ladies tees.

I happen to dress based on mood.

You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect.

I’ve been performing all my life. I’ve always had an audience. Before, they were people. Now they’re worms.

I don’t trust men in capes.

I have very little power of my own. Jerry, you know me, in the big situations, the high pressure, I choke. I choke!

Would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That’s all I’m asking. This woman thinks I’m very funny and now you’re gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I’m gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn’t seem so funny.

I make sex like I cook – rattled, panicked, and with the smell of burnt flesh in the air.

The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli.

If I tilt my head, it’s like hanging out with a different person.

All right, let’s go kill some whales!

I didn’t lie; I exaggerated.

I’ve never been happy with this thing. They don’t call it a piggy bank; I mean, it’s a bank, and yet there’s no interest!

How can you be nervous? It’s just sex. People have been doing it for years.

I’m disturbed! I’m depressed! I’m inadequate! I’ve got it all!

I lie every second of the day. My whole life is a sham!

It’s not a lie if you believe it.

I’m not a quitter. I always stick things out to the bitter end.

I can’t die with dignity. I have no dignity.

I think I may have discovered the most despicable human trait of all… smoking.

How much do you expect me to take? I’m hiding in a burning building!

Nobody knocks off a Woody Allen funny.

I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable.

I am unemployed and live with my parents.

Let me interrupt you! Do you realize in the entire history of western civilization no one has successfully accomplished the Roommate Switch?

Everybody’s doing something, we’ll do nothing!

I’m George, I’m unemployed, and I live with my parents.