Funny Shakespeare Quotes

To be or not to be? That’s the question. But can we also discuss whether to have pizza or sushi for dinner?

All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players. But let’s hope they don’t forget their lines!

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. And then there are others who just stumble and spill their coffee everywhere.

Parting is such sweet sorrow, especially when you realize you left your phone charger at home.

If music be the food of love, play on. But make sure it’s not Nickelback.

It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Kind of like my coworker’s PowerPoint presentations.

The course of true love never did run smooth, but it sure makes for some entertaining reality TV.

All that glitters is not gold, but if it’s a donut covered in sprinkles, it probably is.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks. Either that or she really hates doing laundry.

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind. Unless you’re trying to find your car keys, then you better use your eyes.

Brevity is the soul of wit, unless you’re trying to explain your joke to your friends.

Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once, unless it’s a really spicy curry.

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. Like unicorns and bacon-flavored ice cream.

The quality of mercy is not strained, but if you’re trying to change a tire on the side of the road, it can be quite difficult.

Hell is empty and all the devils are here, especially on Black Friday at the shopping mall.

What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, unless we’re talking about naming a baby ‘Chainsaw’.

When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew. Or maybe I had something on my face.

We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our reality is made up of missed alarm clocks and traffic jams.

A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! Preferably one that knows how to parallel park.

The lady protests too much, methinks. Or maybe she just really hates going to the DMV.

Love is blind and lovers cannot see, especially when they’re too busy checking their phone and walking into lampposts.

How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child, especially when they refuse to take out the trash.

The world’s mine oyster, which is great because I love seafood. Unless it’s oyster-flavored ice cream, then I’ll pass.

To sleep, perchance to dream. Or to binge-watch an entire season of a TV show in one sitting. Decisions, decisions.

This above all: to thine own self be true, unless you’re a terrible person. In that case, try to be someone else.

The dogs of war, and they’re barking at 6 AM on a Sunday. Thanks, neighbor!

The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool. And the average man is just wondering where he left his car keys.

O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? And why didn’t you text me back?

Out, out, brief candle! Or at least wait until I finish my book chapter before you go out.

Is this a dagger which I see before me, or just a really sharp carrot?

If you prick us, do we not bleed? And if you tickle us, do we not laugh? But if you cut us in line at the grocery store, expect some serious side-eye.

How sweet the moonlight sleeps upon this bank! It’s a shame my neighbors never turn off their porch lights.

The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in our Wi-Fi connection.

To thine own self be true, unless you can be a unicorn. Then always be a unicorn.

We know what we are, but not what we may be. Especially after a few drinks at the karaoke bar.

Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, especially when you forget your keys inside the house.

All that glisters is not gold, unless it’s a diamond-encrusted pizza. Then it definitely is.

It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Just like most presidential debates.

The robb’d that smiles steals something from the thief, like that extra slice of cake from the fridge.

For now, these hot days, is the mad blood stirring, but why is the AC broken?

The miserable have no other medicine but only hope. And chocolate. Lots of chocolate.

Give me my robe, put on my crown; I have immortal longings in me, after this season finale.

Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this sun of York, or at least the air conditioning unit.

Good night, good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow, especially when you have to say goodbye to your Netflix binge session.

To sleep, perchance to dream. Or at least until the alarm clock rudely interrupts.

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. Or a dollar. I’ll take either.

We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our credit card bills are made of nightmares.

All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players. But are we SAG-AFTRA members, or are we going to get paid in exposure?

The play’s the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the king, or at least try to catch the right train on my morning commute.

If music be the food of love, play on. But please don’t play ‘Baby Shark’.