Funny Sarcastic Movie Quotes

I’d like to apologize to anyone I have not offended yet. Please be patient. I’ll get to you shortly. – Ricky Gervais

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Robin Williams

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – A.A. Milne

I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone. – Unknown

I used to think I had a photographic memory, but then I ran out of film. – Unknown

If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator? – Unknown

I don’t have a six-pack, but I have a keg inside me. – John Candy

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. – Emo Philips

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott, The Office

I’m not lazy, I’m just energy efficient. – Unknown

I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll make an exception. – Groucho Marx

Behind every successful man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

Marriage is like a walk in the park: Jurassic Park. – Unknown

I may be a genius, but you’re a moron, and guess what? There are more of you! – Bill Murray

I’m sorry, if aliens are smart enough to travel through space, they’re smart enough to avoid Earth. – Unknown

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants. – A. Whitney Brown

You’re never too old to learn something stupid. – Unknown

I’m in shape. Round is a shape. – Unknown

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me lazy, I’d probably hire someone to pick up my money for me. – Unknown

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them. – Unknown

I’m allergic to stupidity. I break out in sarcasm. – Unknown

I’m not saying I’m perfect, but I’m pretty darn close. – Unknown

They say laughter is the best medicine. So, I suppose if you laugh at your own jokes, it’s like pharmaceutical grade. – Unknown

I may be a fool, but I’m a fool who knows how to laugh at himself. – Unknown

I’m not a comedienne, I just find it amusing that most people take life so seriously. – Unknown

If sarcasm burned calories, I’d be a real skinny legend. – Unknown

People say sarcasm is my second language. Well, technically, it’s my first. – Unknown

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. – Unknown

I may be sarcastic, but at least I’m honest about it. – Unknown

Sarcasm is just one more service I offer. – Unknown

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. – Steven Wright

I’m not a pessimist, I’m a realist with a twist of sarcasm. – Unknown

I’m not sure if I have enough middle fingers for everyone today. – Unknown

If life gives you lemons, throw them at someone. Preferably with a good arm. – Unknown

I prefer my puns intended and my sarcasm crystallized. – Unknown

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. But let’s be honest, you miss most of the shots you do take too. – Wayne Gretzky

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit… but the highest form of intelligence. – Oscar Wilde

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode. – Unknown

I’m not fat, I’m easier to see. – Unknown

The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality. – Unknown

I speak fluent sarcasm, so if I ever say something that sounds like a compliment, be on high alert. – Unknown

If sarcasm were a competitive sport, I would definitely win a gold medal. – Unknown

I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding. – Unknown

I try not to take life too seriously. It’s not like any of us are getting out alive. – Unknown

Sarcasm: the ability to insult fools without them realizing it. – Unknown