Funny Quotes From Twilight

I’m not afraid of vampires, I’m afraid of running out of popcorn.

Edward may be immortal, but I’m sitting here waiting for the next movie to come out.

I’m team Jacob because werewolves are easier to house-train.

I had a werewolf phase once, but then I realized I had to shave too often.

The only thing scarier than a vampire is trying to explain the Twilight plot to someone who hasn’t seen it.

I’m not sure if vampires are real, but I can definitely attest to the fact that glitter is.

Bella must have really low standards if her idea of a perfect night is watching Edward watch her sleep.

The real mystery of Twilight is how Bella finished high school while never attending class.

Who needs a vampire boyfriend when you can have a human one who actually eats pizza with you?

I wonder if Edward ever gets tired of hearing Bella’s thoughts all day long. Talk about a headache.

Team Edward, because sparkling in the sunlight is a unique talent, to say the least.

If vampires are so cold, why do they always hang out in the woods shirtless?

Edward would have a hard time picking me out of a crowd. I sparkle when I sweat.

One thing Twilight taught us: it’s perfectly normal to fall in love with a 100-year-old vampire.

My love life is like a Twilight movie – long and drawn-out, with way too much angst.

I’m not saying Bella is a terrible role model, but her idea of a happy ending is becoming a vampire.

I had to stop watching Twilight after I realized I was wasting too much time debating on which team to join.

I watch Twilight for the plot… said nobody ever.

The moral of Twilight: teenage girls will fall in love with literally anything, as long as it’s broody enough.

I wish I had Edward’s ability to read minds. It would save me a lot of time in argumentative conversations.

You know it’s a good movie franchise when you can confidently say the werewolf CGI is the least believable part.

Sometimes I wonder if Bella’s only talent is tripping over thin air.

Twilight drinking game idea: take a shot every time Bella says, ‘Edward,’ or ‘Jake.’ Good luck surviving the first movie!

Bella’s clumsiness is proof that vampires aren’t the only ones who can be immortal – their awkward moments can be too.

Edward may be the most romantic vampire, but he’ll never compete with Count Chocula for me.

If I had a dollar for every time Bella made a life-threatening decision, I might be as wealthy as Edward.

Twilight drinking game rule: take a shot every time Edward looks constipated.

Edward’s romantic side: staring at Bella from outside her window. My romantic side: deleting his number after the fifth unsolicited ‘good morning’ text.

I have a friend who thinks she’s Bella. I’m concerned because she can’t even handle her coffee without spilling it on herself.

The sparkly vampires in Twilight give new meaning to the term ‘glamping.’

Bella must have skipped the class where they teach you how to differentiate between love and obsession.

The real supernatural power in Twilight is Edward’s extraordinary level of self-control around Bella’s blood.

I want to date a vampire just for the excuse to say, ‘Sorry, I can’t make it to your family dinner. Sunlight allergies.’

If Bella’s love triangle taught us anything, it’s that you can go from Team Edward to Team Jacob in 2.5 seconds flat.

Edward is so old-fashioned, he probably bought Bella a mixtape for her birthday.

I tried to read Twilight, but I got lost in the descriptions of Edward’s perfectly chiseled jawline.

Bella’s relationship advice: find someone who watches you sleep without freaking out.

Edward’s makeover in the first Twilight movie proved that even powerful vampires can benefit from a little hair gel.

The Twilight movies: proof that love triangles and supernatural beings can coexist peacefully, as long as they all have good abs.

Twilight taught me that true love means never having to smile, laugh, or show any signs of happiness whatsoever.

Honestly, the Twilight series is just a tutorial on how to spot and avoid emotionally dysfunctional relationships.

Edward and Bella’s marriage: proof that even vampires with perfect hair can’t escape the monotony of couple’s therapy.

I don’t need a fictional vampire to think I’m worth living forever – I have my mom for that.

Sometimes I wish I had Bella’s ability to miraculously heal from life-threatening injuries with zero medical intervention.

I’m team Edward because I, too, am attracted to people who look like they’re constantly in desperate need of a nap.

In the battle between vampires and werewolves, my money’s on the ones who don’t need a nightly skincare routine.

In Twilight, age is just a number. Specifically, the number of years you have to pretend you’re still a teenager.

Jacob may be warm and fuzzy, but I bet Edward’s the one who likes to snuggle up with a good book on a cold night.

The true hero of Twilight: the person who had to apply all that glitter to Edward.

I tried the Edward Cullen diet, but apparently, you need something more substantial than animal blood to function.