Funny Quotes for Men

I’m not lazy, I’m just energy efficient.

I’m not aging, I’m just marinating.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I make my wife’s heart skip a beat… by snoring too loudly.

I may be a man, but I can still multitask. I can breathe and annoy you at the same time.

My wife told me to go to the gym. I thought she said Jim. Turns out, Jim is her personal trainer.

I’m not bald, I just have a solar-powered love machine on top of my head.

I may not always be right, but I’m never wrong.

Behind every successful man is a woman with a bunch of funny stories about how he screwed up.

I’m not stubborn, my way is just better.

Don’t be a fool, wrap your tool. It’s not just a saying, it’s a lifesaver.

I’m not forgetful, I just have a selective memory.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right… and the other person is the husband.

I tried being normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.

I’m not messy, I’m just creatively organized.

I’ve been dieting for a month and all I lost was 30 days.

It takes a real man to drink coffee with extra foam.

I’m not a baker, but I can make your heart rise.

I don’t snore, I dream of being a motorcycle.

If women ruled the world, there would be no wars. Just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.

I don’t have a beer belly, I have a protective covering for my keg.

I tried to be normal, but I got bored and went back to being myself.

The only time a man isn’t happy to be wrong is when he’s arguing with his wife.

I don’t need Google, my wife knows everything.

I’m not a shopaholic, I’m helping the economy.

I’m not a handyman, but I can screw things up just fine.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I’m not stubborn, I just know I’m right.

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them into your Corona and have a good time.

I’m not fat, I’m just easier to see.

I don’t snore, I dream I’m a chainsaw.

I don’t need a hairdresser, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I’m not bald, my head is just a solar panel for a sex machine.

I don’t need a personal trainer, I have a wife who chases me around with a rolling pin.

I’m not a doctor, but I can definitely check your pulse races.

I don’t need a calculator, I can count to twenty-one with my shoes on.

I may not be a superhero, but I can do the laundry in a single bound.

I don’t need a fancy car, my wife gives me enough horsepower.

I don’t need a vacation, I just need a pause button on my life.

Don’t worry, I’m not a hunter. I just have a talent for tracking down remote controls.

I don’t need a therapist, I have a wife who listens to me complain.

I’m not bald, my hair just migrated to my back.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just an undercover acrobat.

I don’t need a dream catcher, my wife’s snoring keeps me awake all night.

They say men age like a fine wine. Well, I must be an exception because I’m more like a cheap beer.

I’m not afraid of commitment. I just commit to being afraid.

I don’t believe in luck, but I do believe in pizza.

I may not know how to change a diaper, but I can change a lightbulb in record time.

I don’t need a gym membership, I have a wife who constantly tells me to pick up after myself.

I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I’m definitely the funniest.