Funny Philosophy Quotes
I am not a philosopher, I’m just here for the punchlines.
Happiness is like a unicorn, everyone talks about it, but no one has actually seen it.
Life is too short to take seriously, so I refuse to grow up.
If life gives you lemons, make a sour face and ask for something sweeter.
The only thing that is certain in life is uncertainty. And death. But mostly uncertainty.
Why fit in when you can stand out and embarrass yourself instead?
Life is like a bicycle: if you stop pedaling, you fall off. Unless you’re on a stationary bicycle, then you just look silly.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it still make a sound? More importantly, who pushed it?
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.
The key to happiness is to never take advice from a motivational quote. Wait…
Don’t worry about what other people think of you. They’re too busy worrying about what you think of them.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me, and I’ll laugh at you.
The glass is not half empty or half full. It’s twice as big as it needs to be.
Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? And by tomorrow, I mean next week. Or next month. Or next year…
When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand chocolate.
The secret of getting ahead is getting started. Unless it’s Monday morning. Then the secret is getting back in bed.
There’s no such thing as a stupid question, until someone answers it.
Age is just a number, but maturity is an option.
I’m not a pessimist, I’m just an optimist with experience.
Nothing is impossible, unless you’re trying to squeeze into last year’s jeans.
Life is short, so smile while you still have teeth.
The early bird can have the worm, I’ll take the extra sleep.
If at first, you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you to.
The best way to predict your future is to create it. Or just take a nap and hope for the best.
I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy for when I really need it.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
The older you get, the more life insurance you need. Because let’s face it, dying isn’t cheap.
Opportunity knocks on the door, but laziness is the one who answers.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me lazy, I’d probably hire someone to spend it for me.
The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away. Preferably as a birthday present.
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory.
If you can’t be a good example, be a cautionary tale.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Procrastination is like a credit card: it’s a lot of fun until you get the bill.
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. So naturally, I’m extremely experienced.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.
It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog. Unless the dog is a Chihuahua, then size does matter.
I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room? Exactly.
The best things in life are free, like laughter, hugs, and Wi-Fi.
Don’t let your mind wander, it’s too small to be out by itself.
It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey. Unless the journey involves a long car ride with kids screaming in the backseat.
If you can’t be the sharpest tool in the shed, at least be a useful one. Like a hammer, or a can opener.
I’m not lazy, I’m an energy-saving expert.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, I’ll do it for you. But I’ll charge extra.
Common sense is like deodorant, the people who need it the most never use it.
If at first, you don’t succeed, redefine success.
I may be a grown-up, but I still refuse to act my age.
Life is too short for boring socks. Wear the striped ones.