Funny book quotes

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford. – Unknown

I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’ – Unknown

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by. – Douglas Adams

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them. – Unknown

I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life. – Unknown

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug. – Unknown

I’m sorry, if how I act and look offends you, then why are you looking? – Unknown

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate vegetables. – Unknown

I don’t need Google. My wife knows everything. – Unknown

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. – Charles Lamb

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure. – Unknown

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. – Unknown

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. – Unknown

I don’t run away from problems. I jog slowly and pretend they don’t exist. – Unknown

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. – Unknown

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. – Steven Wright

I’m not clumsy, I’m just gravity’s special child. – Unknown

The harder you work, the luckier you get. Unless you’re American, then you just get health benefits. – Unknown

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. – Unknown

I couldn’t repair your brake pads, so I made your horn louder. – Unknown

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? – Jerry Seinfeld

I asked the baker if he had any cake. He said, ‘Actually, I do. It’s $18.99.’ I said, ‘Does it have anything on it?’ He said, ‘No, you have to eat it off the tray.’ – Unknown

A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory. – Unknown

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. – Larry Lorenzoni

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far, I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. – Unknown

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer. – Douglas Adams

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. – W.C. Fields

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. – Unknown

I saw a sign that said, ‘Watch for children.’ I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade.’ – Unknown

I may be a genius, but I’m not a mind reader. – Unknown

I’m not sure if I lost my mind or if it was mine to lose in the first place. – Unknown

I’m not crazy. My reality is just different from yours. – Lewis Carroll

A clean house is a sign of a wasted life. – Unknown

If I’m not back in five minutes, wait longer. – Jim Carrey

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Al McGuire

I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection. – Unknown

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin

Some people just have a way with words, and other people… oh, not have way. – Steve Martin

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. – Terry Pratchett

I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception. – Groucho Marx

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. – Oscar Wilde

I don’t have a plan. Sometimes I sit and write. Sometimes I sit and stare. Sometimes I just sit. – Unknown

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. – Oscar Wilde

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. – Bill Watterson

You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish. Unless, of course, you play bass. – Douglas Adams

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey