Fletch Quotes: Celebrating the Wit and Wisdom of the Iconic Character

It’s all ball bearings nowadays.

You using the whole fist, Doc?

I’m not even sure that’s a crime anymore. There’ve been a lot of changes in the law.

If I’m not back in five minutes… wait longer!

Why don’t we go lay on the bed and I’ll fill you in?

I’d say we’re in a gray area.

Matter of fact, drink as much as you can. The department’s got to get rid of it.

What kind of a name is Poon anyway? Comanche Indian.

Do you own rubber gloves? I like a safe burglary.

Ever seen a spleen that large? No, not since breakfast.

A little wonderful caviar. Not like fish eggs, you know, but like . . . shushihangymahooha.

I’m afraid I’m gonna have to pull rank on you. You see, I’m with the mattress police.

You have any caviar? Preferably from the Caspian Sea.

The fact that I’m disturbing you makes me very, very happy.

Doctors say that Nordberg has a 50/50 chance of living, though there’s only a 10 percent chance of that.

Can’t keep me here, chief. Might be a violation of my civil rights.

Just relaxing. I wanted to live a little. I was just trying to be a shepherd, you know.

I don’t think they’re gonna catch us. We’re on our own.

Well what’ve we here? Looks like somebody used this place for more than just storage.

You’re not gonna believe this, but I can’t stand talking to doctors.

It’s all ball bearings nowadays.

You using the whole fist, Doc?

There’s no reason to shoot at me, I’m unarmed.

You’re not gonna believe this, but that’s my car.

I like your robe. Did it come with a pipe?

Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.

I hate my life so much… If it wasn’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.

A flute without holes, is not a flute. A donut without a hole, is a Danish.

Yoohoo, girls. Do you think we could rustle up a cup of hot water?

I’m afraid I’ll have to pull rank on you. I didn?t want to have to do this. I?m with the mattress police.

I’ll have a Bloody Mary, a steak sandwich and… a steak sandwich.

I’m not a cop, I told you, I’m a writer researching a book about drug dealing.

I didn’t want to do this, but I’m afraid I’m gonna have to pull rank on you.

I’d say we’re in a gray area. How gray? Charcoal??

My name’s Fletch. I’m 6’5, with the afro, 6′

Why, you’ll probably charge me with rape now, right? If I had a nickel for every time I’ve been charged with rape… I?d have a nickel.

I’m Fletch. Nice to meet you… if somewhat belatedly.

Oh it’s all right. I’m sure that we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn’t that right, Mr. Poopy Pants?

Yeah, I know. I’m supposed to be on vacation.

Just using you for a little practice. Have a seat, Mr. Babar.

It takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong. I am not a big man.

Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.

You using the whole fist, doc?

I’m cancer-free, boiled and highly expendable.

If you can’t put it on a bumper sticker, how can you expect people to understand it?

They don’t make them like they used to, but then again, they never did.

You startled me. I almost had an interesting thought.

Fletch. F. As in Frank. L. As in Laryngitis.

I’m on the job! Not a very good one, but still…

Money, every problem in the world can be traced directly back to it. Including the problem of not having enough of it.