Family Guy Quotes

If I don’t make it back, tell my wife ‘hello’.

Lois, if I’m not back in five minutes…wait longer!

I’d love to stay and chat, but you’re a total [bleep].

I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from staying up all night drinking.

You know what grinds my gears? People in third world countries.

Remember, if we’re caught, we’re all deaf.

Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You’ve impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb!

Peter: [slightly high-pitched] Well, that’s not very nice.

I have an idea so smart that my head would explode if I even began to know what I’m talking about.

Brian: You gonna let your family talk to you like that? Peter: Hell yeah, that’s what family’s for.

Look, I’m not the type of guy who gives a damn about what anyone thinks. Unless, of course, what that guy thinks is that I don’t give a damn about what anyone thinks.

I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.

You can’t spell ‘funeral’ without ‘fun’ and ‘re’!

Quagmire: It’s alright, Peter. I’ve heard the same thing about me. Peter: No you haven’t. Quagmire: Yeah, you’re right!

You know, it really grinds my gears when people say I’m ‘mentally challenged’. No, I’m just stupid.

All right, let’s all wish Meg good luck. I remember my first day of school. I was so scared, I walked in and just wet myself. But now I’m much older, and I can hold my bladder like a man…a very, very frightened man.

You know, if I were at a party and you asked me to urinate on you, I would take the appropriate amount of alcohol to make that request seem perfectly normal.

It’s not my fault I’m fat, it’s my appetite. I have a disease called ‘obesity’ and it’s spreading at an alarming rate.

I’m not a bad guy, I just bring out the worst in other people.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

I love my family, even if they drive me crazy. But hey, it wouldn’t be a family without a little insanity, right?

Peter: Hey, Sigmund Freud called, he says we’re all drunk except one. Quagmire: Oh, him?

Well, aren’t we just a regular ‘bringing a knife to a gunfight’?

You know what they say, ‘The best way to someone’s heart is through their stomach’. Unless, of course, you’re a surgeon then you can just go through the ribcage.

I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll make an exception.

I may be fat, but I’m sexy. So take that, world!

When life gives you lemons, throw them at someone. Preferably someone who annoys you.

Remember, kids, every time you lie… an angel masturbates.

Well, aren’t we just a regular ‘bringing a knife to a gunfight’?

I’m not unemployed, I’m a freelance idiot.

You don’t need a fancy car to impress a woman. You just need a fancy wallet.

Quagmire: Eh, why don’t you mind your own damn business, Brian? Peter: Yeah, Brian. That’s my job.

Stewie: You know, mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades!

You know what they say, ‘The best way to someone’s heart is through their stomach’. Unless, of course, you’re a surgeon then you can just go through the ribcage.

Quagmire: If I were you, I wouldn’t chase after her. She’s a damn disaster. Peter: That’s why I’m chasing after her. I love disasters.

I may not be the brightest bulb in the box, but at least I light up a room.

Peter: You know what I hate about ‘Family Guy’? Quagmire: It’s not real? Peter: No, the commercials.

I’m not a bad guy, I just bring out the worst in other people.

I’m not crazy, my reality is just different from yours.

You can’t make everyone happy, you’re not a bottle of tequila.

Remember, kids, every time you lie… an angel masturbates.

Quagmire: Eh, why don’t you mind your own damn business, Brian? Peter: Yeah, Brian. That’s my job.

Stewie: You know, mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades!

When life gives you lemons, throw them at someone. Preferably someone who annoys you.

I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll make an exception.

I may be fat, but I’m sexy. So take that, world!

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you’ll never see him on weekends again.

I’m not unemployed, I’m a freelance idiot.

You don’t need a fancy car to impress a woman. You just need a fancy wallet.

Quagmire: If I were you, I wouldn’t chase after her. She’s a damn disaster. Peter: That’s why I’m chasing after her. I love disasters.