Eric Cartman Quotes

Screw you guys, I’m going home!

Respect my authoritah!

I’m not fat, I’m big-boned.

Hippies, they’re everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad.

I hate all damn hippies, but I wouldn’t mind shooting them in the head.

If you’ve ever wondered what pure evil looks like, take a look at a white girl with a ponytail and a backpack.

I’m not prejudiced, I hate everybody equally.

Don’t worry, it’s cool guys. I have a plan… Ok, I don’t have a plan, but I have confidence.

Kyle’s mom is a big fat B, she’s the biggest B in the whole wide world!

I’m always right, even when I’m wrong. Because I could have been right.

I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.

I do what I want!

That’s it. I’ve had it! If it’s not about me, it’s not worth it!

You know what they say, to assume makes an ass out of u and me… mostly just u though.

Cartmanland, the happiest place on Earth!

I’m not fat, I’m festively plump!

I am a master of manipulation and a king of deception.

Being grounded isn’t punishment, it’s just a dark part of my life.

If you want to find some quality friends, you have to wade through all the dicks first.

God damn Mongolians!

I’m not a person who’s overly excited by superheroes, but this does look like a case of friends turning on friends.

I’m not weak, I’m just pretending so you don’t feel bad.

I’m not racist, but I hate gingers.

I’m sorry, but I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for a week and doesn’t die.

I resent the fact that people don’t see me as the real Slim Shady.

If there’s anything I hate more than lying, it’s skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.

You guys can’t prove that I did it, and even if you could, you can’t afford to take me to court!

I didn’t get a harrumph outta that guy!

I’m not fat. It’s society that’s fat.

Alright, I would like to kick the baby.

I’m a singer, not a whore.

I’ll do the things you’re too old to do, like swim, drive, and drink.

My mom says that if two men get married, then a chick will marry a gorilla, and then that gorilla will kick my mom’s ass.

I’ve got important business to tend to. I have to go make fun of poor people, and make some more money.

Do you think, perhaps, if we showed him a little sympathy, he might see the error of his ways?

What’s the big deal? I’m not scared… just… apprehensive!

You don’t know what it’s like to be a fat kid in a society that worships the thin.

Well, I’m sorry, Wendy, but I just don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.

I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about ‘protectin’ the earth’ and then drive around in cars that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets.

The PSP is the most badass handheld game system ever. Besides, I already have a Game Boy.

Just because somebody is gay doesn’t mean they’re necessarily HIV-positive.

Butters: Wow, your dad must be awesome. Cartman: No, my dad’s not awesome! My dad’s a screw-up loser!

If you were a chick, I would be pissed.

I’m not fat, I’m festively plump.

You are a manipulative little [expletive], that’s what you are.

Life is full of buzz-kills, Stan. If you had fun all the time, you wouldn’t appreciate it.

Being emo is a terrible thing, because you can’t be emo if you’re fat.

There is no way I’m sucking on a [expletive]! That’s [expletive] homo!

Gay people can be so melodramatic.

I’m not a fatass, I’m just easy to see.