Emo Philips Quotes – Insightful and Hilarious Words from the Master of Comedy

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals, I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I’m trying to cut back on my drinking, so now I only drink on days that end in ‘y’.

I used to have an open mind, but my brain kept falling out.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I don’t need a parachute to skydive. I just need a parachute to skydive twice.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.

I’m such an insomniac. I can’t sleep because I fear that there is a creature under my bed called Sleep.

I’m not a hypochondriac, but I play one in real life.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

I was the kid that always traded my lunch money for magic beans. Now, I don’t have lunch money, but I have a beanstalk in my backyard.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day when I accidentally put my socks on in my shoes.

I’m not a pessimist. I’m just a well-informed optimist.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right, I feel ten years older already.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

I’m so broke, I can’t even afford to pay attention.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

My wife asked me if I thought she was vain. I said no, I think she’s in denial.

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house. I told her, ‘Fear of a paperless invasion.’

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.

I told my wife she should look for the silver lining. She said, ‘I did, but it’s on backorder.’

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.

They say love is like a flower. I think it’s more like a cactus – prickly, stubborn, and it hurts if you’re not careful.

I used to be an introvert, but I’m more of an extrovert now. I’m just not very good at it.

I told my therapist I had suicidal thoughts, and she told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet!

I’m not saying I hate people, but I definitely love dogs more.

I have a new theory on inertia but I’m not moving forward with it.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.

I once dated a weather girl, but we broke up because she kept predicting a lot of mist.

I bought my wife a mood ring and found out she’s always in a bad mood.

I dream of being a millionaire, just like my ancestors.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done, now I just need to fill in the rest.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. And then it hit me.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I’m starting a new dating service for elderly people called ‘Carbon Dating.’

I don’t have a fear of heights, I have a fear of falling from heights.

I’m not a pessimist, but my blood type is B Negative.

I’m not a hypochondriac, but I constantly worry that I have hypochondria.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I recently got into yoga. I had to get a mat, but I couldn’t find one big enough for all my issues.

I’m not saying I’m a bad cook, but my smoke alarm goes off whenever I attempt to boil water.

I’m not a procrastinator. I just prefer to do things in a different space-time continuum.

I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.