Dorothy Parker Quotes

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.

I’m not a writer with a drinking problem, I’m a drinker with a writing problem.

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.

Women and elephants never forget.

I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true.

I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.

I don’t want to live in a world where Dorothy Parker isn’t appreciated.

If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can make misery a whole lot more comfortable.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.

I’d like to have money. And I’d like to be a good writer. These two can come together, and I hope they will, but if that’s too adorable, I’d rather have money.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.

I can’t write five words but that I change seven.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

I’m never going to accomplish anything; that’s perfectly clear to me. I’m never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don’t do anything. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don’t even do that any more.

I hate writing, I love having written.

I like to have a martini, two at the very most. After three I’m under the table, after four I’m under my host.

Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.

The two most beautiful words in the English language are ‘cheque enclosed.’

Take care of luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant—and let the air out of their tires.

There’s a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words.

The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant—and let the air out of their tires.

Every year, back comes Spring, with nasty little birds yapping their fool heads off and the ground all mucked up with plants.

I don’t know much about being a millionaire, but I’ll bet I’d be darling at it.

I’m never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don’t do anything. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don’t even do that any more.

You can’t teach an old dogma new tricks.

I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.

Excuse my dust.

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.

I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound; if I can remember any of the damn things.

That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.

To me, the most important thing is the sense of going on. You know how beautiful things are when you’re traveling.

If I didn’t care for fun and such, I’d probably amount to much. But I shall stay the way I am, Because I do not give a damn.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If, with the literate, I am impelled to try an epigram, I never seek to take the credit; we all assume that Oscar said it.

I’d rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.

I don’t know much about being a millionaire, but I’ll bet I’d be darling at it.

The thought of my mortality hasn’t dimmed my appetites for the ephemeral pleasures of youth.

I am not a writer with a drinking problem, I am a drinker with a writing problem.

I’d love to be a diva. But I’d then have to send so many apology notes for my abhorrent behavior.

She ran the gamut of emotions from A to B.

Her face looked like something that might have happened to her a long time ago.