Dark Humor Quotes: Finding Laughter in the Darkest Times

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

I tried to catch some fog yesterday, but I mist.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She gave me a hug.

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’

A friend in need is a friend to be avoided.

Some people just need a high five …in the face …with a chair.

I’m not saying I hate you, but if you were on fire and I had a glass of water, I’d drink it.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

I always keep a gun in my purse. You never know when someone might need their next two spiraling emotions cured.

I don’t have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said, ‘Alright, fatty.’

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I love pressing F

It’s so refreshing.

I hate insects. In fact, I married an exterminator just to be safe.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

I’m not a nerd. I’m just smarter than you.

Some people say ‘If you can’t beat them, join them’. I say ‘If you can’t beat them, beat them’, because they will be expecting you to join them!

I may be fat, but at least I’m not a skinny person trapped in a fat body.

Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

People say I’m condescending. That means I talk down to people.

I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a few payments.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Isn’t it great that we live in a world where the air won’t let you smell your own farts?

I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic…and so am I.

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was hungry…and hormonal…and really, really tired.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I’m not psycho…I just likes psychotic things.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

If I was a bird, I know who I’d shit on.

I know I’m not perfect, but I’m so close it scares me.

Marriage is like a walk in the park…Jurassic Park.

I’m not crazy. My reality is just different than yours.

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I want a second opinion. He said, ‘Okay, you’re ugly too.’

I’m not sure if life is passing me by, or running me over.