Dale Gribble Quotes: The Best Lines from an Iconic King of the Hill Character

Guns don’t kill people, the government does.

Computers don?t make errors. What they do, they do on purpose.

I am not a man. I am a free number.

What’s the opposite of ‘Hello’? Goodbye. So, we need to say ‘Goodbye’ to ‘Hello.’

This is the principal’s office. Speak freely and into the bug in the pen I am holding.

You think I’m paranoid? That’s exactly what they want you to think.

Reality is only a state of mind caused by a lack of good drugs.

I prefer to call it an interplanetary saucer. It piques the kids’ interest.

Realities are for people who can’t handle drugs.

Sh-sh-sha!

Pocketsand!

If you think I’m afraid of stabbing myself with the poison dart, then think again.

Well, we’re all just pawns in the government’s game of death.

Never let your guard down. That’s when the government will get you.

A man without a gun is like a fish without water.

In the game of life, I’m the one holding the joystick.

The mind is the only weapon that doesn’t need a holster.

I’m only susceptible to mind control when I’m overpowered, never on my own free will.

The truth is like the sun, you can shut it out, but it ain’t going away.

Government surveillance is the number one cause of your problems.

If I could live in any historical era, I’d live in the present. It’s the only time they’ve got the Internet.

Guns don’t kill people. The Government does.

We use our land for life. Not Death. Not even good-smelling death.

I use my underwear to filter out the fluoride from tap water. It’s the only proven method.

That’s a liberal media myth. I’ll educate you. I’m gonna pull the wool out from over your eyes.

I am a sacred vessel. All you’ve got in your stomach is Taco Bell.

Chain smoking while pregnant will make your kid run faster.

Your intelligence intimidates me. I have to destroy you.

The day after Thanksgiving is, in my opinion, the biggest shopping day of the year.

A man without a gun is like a fish without water.

Bugs CAN hear you. I’m just not giving them a chance to eavesdrop. Understand?

We don?t know who we are until we start peeling the layers off.

I think I?m going to take a nap but wake me up if the country needs saving.

Do you want the regular cigarettes, or the menthols that the kids like?

It’s never easy seeing your replacement… even when it’s your own damn fault.

I’m an average Joe who happens to be an assassin.

Life is simple with a one track mind.

I’d rather have a gun in my hand than a cop on the phone.

The hardest part of the zombie apocalypse will be pretending I’m not excited.

Insanity is just a state of mind.

Guns don’t kill people – the government does.

That?s a loser?s mentality! Winners never think about losing!

I don?t need instructions to know how to rock.

You can?t break a man the way you do a dog or a horse. The harder you beat a man, the taller he stands.

Words are wind.

Spit at the system that?s spitting you out.

Your government thanks you for your participation.

I can?t talk to you: your job and your life conflict with my interests.

I did not become a lackey to the corporate sellout machine.

If you’ve been named ‘Secret Santa’, you’re already off my list.

Did you guys have a lightning bolt moment when you realized you’re not as good as me?

Conspiracy theories don?t make me paranoid. Knowing the truth does.

Life leads you down the path it chooses for you.

Nothing surprises me anymore. I’m a parent.

Nobody?s in charge of me. I?m my own man.

Good mockery learns from its mistakes, but it never forgets what they were.

This eco-terror thing has really got me riled up. You can’t trust the wind anymore.