Conan O’Brien Quotes

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, because you’ll learn new things and make new discoveries along the way.

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party.

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

I can resist everything except temptation.

If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.

I have a long way to go, but I’m already so far from where I used to be, and I’m proud of that.

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

If you want to achieve greatness, stop asking for permission.

I know I’m not perfect, but I’m so close it scares me.

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals, I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else.

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty, empty what’s full, scratch where it itches.

Some people say laughter is the best medicine. They clearly haven’t tried tequila.

If at first, you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

The best way to predict your future is to create it.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

I’m not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who divide people into two kinds and others.

You can’t stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I can’t go to sleep. You keep talking to me, and my fantasies of you are disrupting my fantasies of better days.

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other one.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I’m not a smart man, but I know what love is.

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

I’m not afraid of heights, I’m afraid of widths.

If you’re going to be thinking anyway, you might as well think big.

I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.

The earlier you take risks, the longer you have to recover from them.

If you’re going to take a risk, take a big one. The rewards are greater, and at least you’ll have a good story to tell.

Life is like a sewer… what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.

The most important thing is to enjoy your life – to be happy – it’s all that matters.

If you want to be successful, just follow the money. But if you want to be happy, forget the money and follow your passion.