Clark Griswold Quotes: Hilarious Lines and One-liners from the Iconic Movie Character

I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.

Is this the airport Clark?

Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?

We’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye.

This tree wouldn’t fit in our yard.

Worse? How can things get any worse? Take a look around here, Ellen. We’re at the threshold of hell.

Hey kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa’s sleigh on its way in from New York City.

If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am now.

We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye.

Why is the carpet all wet, Todd? I don’t know, Margot.

I’ll bet you if I went down to the airport right now, by myself, with pieces of this carpet, I could find the ‘Cousin Eddie’ living up to his name.

I just can’t believe you’re standing here in my living room, Eddie.

Oh, Eddie… If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am now.

Our holidays were always such a mess. Well, you know, if I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am now.

It’s a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What did I say, nipple? Huh, there is a nip in the air though.

Oh, I was just smelling… smiling. I was just blouse… browsing. I, uh… heh heh. Well, I guess it just wouldn’t… Oh hee hee, it wouldn’t be the Christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than they – HOTTER than they are – woof!

The little lights aren’t twinkling.

We’re all in this together.

We’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny goddamn Kaye.

This is no longer about a thousand lights. This is about pride.

And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse.

I can’t even afford to be an elf.

It’s a funny, squeaky sound.

Oh, I was just smelling… smiling. I was just blouse… browsing.

Looks great. Little full, lot of sap.

Wouldn’t be a Christmas movie without some family dysfunction.

The most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the the thpirit of the Griswold family Christhmath.

Hey! If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I’d like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people, and I want him brought right here with a big ribbon on his head. And I want to look him straight in the eye, and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?

That’s pretty low, mister. If I had a rubber hose, I would beat you into submission.

I’m sorry. This is our family’s first kidnapping. We have no experience.

Just cool your jets, hotshot.

Everybody come on quick! Near the tree! It’s Santa! Santa’s coming!

Sure, sure—it’s all fun and games until someone gets a sponge bath!

You set standards that no family activity could live up to.

My house is bigger than yours.

Don’t throw me down, Clark.

I’m going to ride this sucker out.

This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here.

In the morning I’m going to sit on the toilet and I’m not going to move until I’m completely empty.

Why is everything wet, Todd?

We checked every bulb, didn’t we?

This is our family’s first kidnapping.

I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas and we’re all in misery.

Our holidays were always such a mess.

It burns rubber and melts asphalt.

Clark. I’d like to ask you a couple of questions while I’m getting to know you.

Well I’m sure glad you didn’t ask me that, Howard.

Surprised, Eddie?… If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised than I am now.

Do you really think it matters, Eddie?

Listen to your father, kids, I’m talking to your father.