Chris Rock Quotes

I love being famous. It’s almost like being white, y’know?

You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals, I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I’m not a professional comedian, I’m just a funny guy who gets paid to act like one.

I’m not a role model… Just because I dunk a basketball doesn’t mean I should raise your kids.

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.’

I’m not scared of dying, I’m scared of not living.

Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

You can’t find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well.

I don’t get massages. I feel like if you need to be touched that much, you should just get a girlfriend.

When you’re in a relationship, you’re in a band. Sometimes you sing lead and sometimes you’re on tambourine.

You don’t pay taxes – they take taxes.

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it’s about having a lot of options.

You can’t cure racism by ignoring it.

You can’t make a man respect you, but you can make him fear you.

I’m not a bad guy. I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to hell?

As I get older, I realize that making people laugh is much more important than just making fun.

No matter what accomplishments you make, somebody helped you.

There are only two things you can do when someone tells you they have cancer: Be supportive or shut up.

Mistakes are part of the dues one pays for a full life.

I’m never proper. I believe in profanity and obscenity – those two things.

Nobody ever says, ‘Oh, I’m from outside of Boston.’ You always have to say you’re from Boston.

If you’re black and you haven’t been called a sellout, then you’re not black.

I have a theory that if you really want to be successful at something, one of the keys is you have to enjoy it.

I found out women have a lot in common with men: They both like to have sex.

You don’t judge a book by its cover, you judge it by its title.

If something about the human body disgusts you, the terrorists win.

The only thing that separates women of color from anyone else is opportunity.

Nobody wants to be poor, ’cause even when you’re hungry, people will hate you.

If the voice in your head sounds like you, there’s a good chance you’re going insane.

When you’re famous you kind of run into human nature in a raw kind of way.

There’s not a job in the world where you can’t be replaced by a little Indian kid.

When you’re the only black kid in a white neighborhood, you get all of the black jokes whether you like it or not.

You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they’re worth it.

You know you’re doing something right when your momma’s friend add you on Facebook.

If women ruled the world, there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

You know you’re doing bad as a father if your daughter turns out to be a pole dancer.

Women need to find a voice and speak up. They have so much to say and so much to offer that not speaking up is almost selfish.

I’d never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Everybody asks why I started at the end and worked backwards. The answer is simple: I had to make a living.

You might have a ghetto house if… every time you flush the toilet, the lights flicker.

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it’s about having a lot of options.

When I’m in a relationship, I’m in it all the way. I give my all or I don’t give anything at all.

People who earn a lot of money don’t have to deal with the problems that those who don’t earn a lot of money have to deal with.

I’m not defending Bill Cosby but he owes me a lot of money and I’m saving it all up for when he gets out.