Best Schmidt Quotes from New Girl That Will Make You Laugh

Dress to impress, always. Your appearance is a reflection of your worth.

I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is a unique experience.

You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost.

If you are for one moment suggesting that I don’t know how to open a loft, you’re out of your mind.

Are you cooking a frittata in a saucepan? What is this ? prison?

Do you know what it’s like to have a sibling with a sex addiction? It’s like living with a sexual hurricane.

Can someone please get my towel? It?s in my room next to my Irish walking cape.

I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano?s phone number just by randomly choosing numbers.

You can’t tell by looking at a frog how high it will jump.

I’m like a squirrel. You’ll never catch me. I’ll be up a tree chewing on a nut so fast your head would spin.

I’m not a hero, I put my bra on one boob at a time like everyone else.

When I see a beautiful woman, I just can?t help but do nothing.

I had figure skating lessons until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy.

Teeny-tiny little trinkets of joy just fall out whenever she opens her mouth.

If you need me, I’ll be in my room, listening to some mainstream hip-hop.

I’m like a sexual Willy Wonka. Welcome to my candy shop, I’ve got lollipops and gummy bears.

All that matters is that I can turn these jeans into cutoffs. I?m getting that 70?s swing back in my hips.

It’s too much! It breaks my heart to see so many adorable shoes in one place.

I worked really hard on my body, and I’m ready to show the world what I’ve got. Get ready for a sneak peek of the gun show.

I can hold a burning coal in my hand. I’m ready to enter the pantheon of great lovers.

I can’t go to jail! I’m too pretty! I wouldn’t last a day!

You are a gynecologist and a lesbian, which makes you, well, a vagenius.

Youths! They’re everywhere! How old are you? 40!

If you need me, I’ll be in my room, listening to some mainstream hip-hop.

The economy stinks, bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now.

I’m the kind of guy who likes to think things through, because if I don’t who will?

The only beast in this house is the social one we call ‘awkwardness’.

Can someone please get my towel? It?s in my room next to my Irish walking cape.

If we’re going to have a moon bouncing castle, shouldn?t it be grown-ups sized?

Chutney, Elk Meat, Freebird, these are just a few of my safe words.

If you’re looking for a guy who can’t keep his hands off you, then I’m that guy.

I don’t want some janky freshwater bitch fish, Winston. I want a lionfish.

Love is a myth, like the female orgasm.

We need some household rules! One, we never get a house cat. Two, we never speak of this again!

The man is sharp. Deal with it. I mean, don’t deal with it. I mean, get out of my house!

Sweat is just fat crying out of your body.

It was the hardest six days of my life since I gave up white denim.

If anyone’s out there, murdering, I get at least one punch!

I’m as mad as a dad in traffic!

I’m not proofreading your suicide note, you coward!

I refuse to apologize for my success.

First rule of business: never take rejection personally.

Dress to impress. Image is everything.

What do you bring to the table, besides your looks?

I will not be out-dressed by a baby.

Sarcastic? Now that?s a word I understand.

Please accept my deepest apologies for using the word ‘apparel’.

The economy stinks, bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now.

Youths! They are everywhere!

When you?re in love, you?re always in danger. You might embarrass yourself.

I just need to walk this out. Like a show pony.

The only beast I ride is the beast of fitness.

I may have the body of a high-end jet, but it runs on small human feelings.

I am as baffled by this interaction as you are.

When I want salad, I eat a lollipop. It?s all food.

You can’t outwit a mind that is never at rest.

It?s perfectly fine to watch TV all day, it?s called ‘investing in myself’.

I can handle things. I’m smart. Not like everybody says… like dumb… I’m smart and I want respect!

An hour spent organizing is an hour spent taking control of your life.

I’m getting some suit-regret now. Can I wear more than one suit at a time?

Took a page out of my own playbook. I’m calling it ‘the douchebag jar’ idea.

I choose not to live by societal conventions, my friend.

Pass the popcorn. This bromance is falling apart and I am loving it.

I?m like a magician when I pour cereal. Poof. It?s gone.