Best John Mulaney Quotes That Will Make You Laugh

Life is like a trumpet, if you don’t put anything in it, you don’t get anything out of it.

I like it when things are crazy. Something always comes out of it, like a quote or a jail sentence.

I think everyone should have a party trick. Mine is walking into a room and immediately making it awkward.

My brain is like a little machine that says, ‘What’s the worst thing that could happen?’

I always say ‘yes’ to drugs. ‘Yes, I’ll have a glass of wine.’ ‘Yes, I’ll take an Advil.’ ‘Yes, I’ll have a cup of coffee.’ See, I’m a wild man!

Getting married is like buying a new car. You’re excited at first, but then you realize there are a lot of unexpected expenses and it’s not as fun as you thought it would be.

I don’t understand people who say they need their morning coffee to function. I need my morning coffee to stop functioning.

I don’t think it’s fair that women get to have an entire month dedicated to breast cancer awareness. I have two of them and no one cares.

I’ve never been a fan of small talk. I prefer medium talk, where we just skip over all the boring stuff and get to the awkward silences.

If you’re ever feeling sad, just remember that there are billions of people in the world who don’t care about your problems.

I’m not good at math, but I can count the number of times I’ve been in love on one hand. Zero.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy me a yacht. And have you ever seen a sad person on a yacht?

I’m like a dog. I’m loyal and affectionate, but if I see a squirrel, I’m gone.

I always wondered why birthdays are happy. You’re just getting older and closer to death.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror, so I can keep an eye on myself.

You know you’re getting old when your back goes out more often than you do.

I’m not immature. I just know how to have fun without being responsible.

I like to think of myself as a nice guy, until someone cuts me off in traffic. Then I turn into a monster.

I don’t believe in ghosts, but I do believe in that feeling you get when you’re alone in a dark room and you hear a noise.

I used to be afraid of the dark, until I realized that’s where the pizza rolls are.

I don’t need therapy, I just need a drink.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know when you’re going to get one with coconut in it.

I can’t resist a good pun. It’s like a reflex. If someone says something that can be turned into a pun, my brain just has to do it.

I don’t understand people who say they don’t like cake. It’s like saying you don’t like happiness.

I wouldn’t say I’m addicted to coffee. I would say I’m in a committed relationship with it.

I hate when people ask me what my five-year plan is. I don’t even know what I’m having for dinner tonight.

I like my men like I like my coffee. Straight from the ground and with a little bit of cream.

If life gives you lemons, add vodka and make a party.

I used to dream about being a superhero, but then I realized that I can’t even save my own phone from dying.

If I ever become a famous magician, my stage name will be ‘The Disappointer.’ Because I promise you, you will be disappointed.

I don’t understand why people use the phrase ‘goody two-shoes’ as an insult. I would love to have two shoes filled with goodies!

I don’t need a personal trainer. My metabolism is my personal trainer, and it’s a real hard ass.

I’m not a morning person. I’m more of a ‘fall out of bed and try not to hit anything’ person.

I don’t believe in love at first sight. It took me at least three sightings to realize I was in love with pizza.

I don’t mind being single. It’s like being in a relationship, but with more control over the TV remote.

I don’t need a therapist. I have Netflix. It listens to me, and it never judges.

I don’t need a gym membership. I get my exercise from running late to everything.

I’m not a perfectionist. I’m just really, really good at finding flaws in everything.

I don’t understand why people say ‘TGIF.’ I say ‘TGIM’ – Thank God it’s Mulaney.

I don’t understand people who say they can’t dance. Just move your body and let the rhythm take over. That’s what I do, and everyone always laughs.

I don’t believe that money can’t buy happiness. Money can buy me a private island, and I’m pretty sure I’d be happy there.

I’m not a morning person. I’m more of a ‘who’s screaming and why are they in my bedroom’ person.

I can’t do magic tricks, but I can make my money disappear faster than you can say ‘credit card debt.’

I don’t understand people who say they don’t like chocolate. Do they also not like puppies and rainbows?

I’m not afraid of ghosts. I’m afraid of having to sleep with the lights on and not being able to find my snacks in the dark.

I don’t understand people who say they’re afraid of clowns. I mean, have you ever tried being a clown? It’s terrifying.

I’m not good at expressing my emotions. That’s why I prefer emojis. They say everything I can’t put into words.

I don’t need a personal assistant. I have Siri. She never gets annoyed when I ask her stupid questions.

I’m not a fan of vegetables. I prefer my food to have had a face at some point.

I don’t understand people who say they don’t like to laugh. Have they tried it? It’s the best feeling in the world.