Best Dilbert Quotes

I’m not lazy. I’m highly motivated to do nothing.

Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.

The problem with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Leadership is nature’s way of removing morons from the productive flow.

Change is good, as long as I don’t have to do anything different.

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.

You don’t have to be crazy to work here. We’ll train you.

The secret to success is to know who to blame for your failures.

I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user friendly.

The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I have only two speeds: slow and stop.

Some days, it’s just not worth chewing through the restraints.

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy marshmallows, which are kind of the same thing.

I’m sorry, I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

I’m not saying I’m Superman, but I can’t find any kryptonite, so I must be!

I would like a refund for all the networking skills I haven’t needed in my life.

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

I have a meeting in my office, and by meeting, I mean I’m going to sit in there alone and play on my phone.

I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.

I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up.

When in doubt, blame someone else and run for cover.

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

You can’t control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

The best way to predict the future is to create it.

I multitask by procrastinating on multiple things at once.

I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode.

The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

In my defense, I was left unsupervised.

Stress is caused by giving a fuck.

I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring so I go back to being me.

I’m allergic to stupidity. I break out in sarcasm.

I’m not crazy. My reality is just different than yours.

Being right doesn’t mean you’re not an asshole.

I’m not a control freak. I just know how things should be done.

The trouble with trouble is it always starts as fun.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

I smile because you’re my coworker. I laugh because there’s nothing you can do about it.