Bad Santa Quotes: A Collection of Naughty Holiday Humor

I’m not Santa. I’m just a guy who’s a year late for his vasectomy.

This suit doesn’t make me jolly; it’s my best attempt at ‘festive’.

I’ve cornered the market on coal. You kids drive up my stock.

I’m more like Santa on a bender.

Hell, your house is easier to break into than the North Pole.

I’m not the saint you ordered, but the devil you needed.

You’d better watch out, I’m telling you why, ’cause I’ve got a flask and I’m not afraid to use it.

Ever tried sliding down a chimney? It’s a real pain in the ‘sleigh’.

Santa’s sleigh doesn’t run on cookies and milk. It runs on cynicism and a questionable legal record.

Who needs reindeer when I’ve got a stolen scooter?

Claus? More like ‘clause’ in my contract that I can call it quits.

North Pole? Nah, the bar’s south from here.

Yeah, I’m like Santa, except I take more than I give.

Bells don’t jingle because they’re happy. They’re just drunk, like me.

Come sit on my lap. We’ll discuss the first thing that ‘pops up’.

Merry ?whatevers? kid, scram!?

I’m not Santa! I’ve just been eating his cookies.

Who’s got a present for Bad Santa? Oh wait, it’s mischief!

It’s not about the presents, it’s about the problems I create.

Christmas cheer? More like Christmas fear.

Bad Santa’s coming to town, lock up your cookies.

Have yourself a scary little Christmas.

All I want for Christmas is for you to leave me alone.

Jingle hell, jingle hell, jingle all the way.

I’m dreaming of a spite Christmas.

Misbehavin’ under the mistletoe.

I see you when you’re sleeping because, frankly, it’s hilarious.

Deck the halls with chaos and calamity.

I’m making a list and checking it twice; most of you are not nice.

Don?t bother leaving milk and cookies. I prefer whiskey and solitude.

Santa Claus is coming to town… and boy is he in a bad mood.

Sleigh Bells? More like Hell’s Bells!

‘Tis the season to be naughty.

Oh what fun it is to ride and make chaos all t?he way.

It’s beginning to look a lot like… I don’t care.

Jingle all the way, but please, not near me.

I?m like the Ghost of Christmas Disaster.

I’m not Santa! I’m just a poor sap running around in a stupid outfit.

Does this look like a man who will strike children to you?

They can’t all be winners, kid.

Just remember kids, Santa loves you…when you’re sleeping.

Whoever said ‘You better watch out’ wasn’t joking!

I’ve seen your wishlist. It’s depressing.

Deck the halls with… Oh, who gives a crap?

What?s the difference between you and me? I?m not wearing Santa underwear.

I’m not the North Pole. I don’t have the patience to deal with you, kid!

Yeah, I’m Santa. And you are on the naughty list!

Santa sees you when you are sleeping because Santa never sleeps.

Here?s some advice kid, leave the cookies and milk. I could use a shot of bourbon.

Ho-Ho-Hold on a minute, I’m out of cheer.

Why put a gift under your tree when I could put a curse there instead?

You wouldn’t like me when I’m Claus-trophobic.

Call me Santa one more time. I dare you.

Santa’s got more than one list, and they are all terrifying.

Christmas cheer? Ha, I drank that away.

I don’t say ho-ho-ho. I grunt.

I’m not jolly, I’m jaded.