Andy Dwyer Quotes

I’m allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 pieces, I throw up.

Sometimes when I’m sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.

I once accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. I thought it was a really weird blue Gatorade.

I don’t have friends. I have family. Well, not family, but I do have cable.

I’m not a smart man, but I know what love is. It’s a lot like cheddar cheese.

I have a lot of enemies. Must be something about my winning personality.

If I had to choose between a romantic date and eating an entire pizza, I’d choose the pizza every time.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a series of awkward moments interrupted by brief moments of clarity.

I’m not clumsy. It’s just that the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

I don’t believe in luck, but I do believe in bacon. And bacon seems to bring a lot of good things into my life.

I have a lot of talents. Unfortunately, none of them are useful.

I’m like a ninja, but instead of stealth and agility, I have an uncanny ability to trip over my own feet.

Life is like a box of chocolates, except half the time you don’t know what you’re biting into and it’s definitely not chocolate.

I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but at least I’m not a spoon.

I aspire to be an adult, but adulting is hard. Can’t someone just give me a sticker every time I do something right?

I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy for when I actually need it.

I tried being normal once. It was the most boring 5 minutes of my life.

Life is too short to worry about what other people think. Unless you’re wearing a cape and spandex. Then you might want to reconsider.

I’m not good at expressing my emotions, so instead, I express them through interpretive dances. It’s very confusing for everyone involved.

Dream big, because the bigger the dream, the more likely you are to accidentally invent a time machine.

I may not be a genius, but my ideas are out of this world. Literally. I once thought I could colonize Mars with poodles.

Failure is just success training in disguise. At least that’s what I tell myself when I accidentally set the kitchen on fire.

If life gives you lemons, go find someone with a bottle of tequila and have a party.

They say laughter is the best medicine, but luckily for me, bacon is a close second.

I have an imaginary friend named Andrew. He never listens to me, but at least he’s a good listener.

I believe in the power of positive thinking, especially when it comes to avoiding responsibility.

Life is like a piñata. It’s a lot of fun until you get hit in the face with a stick.

I may not be the most successful person in the room, but I’m definitely the most entertaining. Or at least that’s what my mom tells me.

I hope one day to be as successful as my cat, who spends his entire day napping and eating.

I’ve learned that the secret to happiness is not taking life too seriously. Also, pancakes. Lots and lots of pancakes.

I don’t need a lot of money to be happy. Just a comfortable couch, a TV, and someone to bring me nachos.

I’m a firm believer in the saying ‘fake it ’til you make it.’ Until then, I’ll just keep pretending to be an adult.

I believe in the power of imagination. It’s the only way I can pretend to be good at anything.

I’ve come to realize that I have more questions than answers. Fortunately, I’ve also come to realize that tacos are the answer to most of those questions.

I’m not a fan of rules. They only serve to limit my creativity and give me something to rebel against.

I have a talent for finding the silver lining in every situation. Usually because I’ve misplaced something and it turns out to be in the most unlikely places.

I believe in the power of positive thinking, especially when it comes to convincing myself that I can eat an entire pizza by myself.

Life is like a box of chocolates. Except half the time, the box is empty and all you’re left with is disappointment.

Don’t let fear hold you back from chasing your dreams. Unless your dream is to jump off a cliff. Then fear might be a good thing.

I may not be the most graceful person, but I can trip over air like nobody’s business.

I believe that life is too short to waste on things like adult responsibilities and making sense. Let’s all just be kids forever.

Everyone has their own path in life. Unfortunately, mine seems to be more like a series of detours and dead ends.

I prefer to see the world through rose-colored glasses. It makes ordinary things like traffic jams and long lines at the grocery store seem magical.

Life is a rollercoaster, and I’m just along for the ride. Except I forgot my seatbelt and I’m not really sure how to put it on.

I’m not a great cook, but I make a mean bowl of cereal. Just ask my cat, who patiently watches me make it every morning.

I’m not afraid to admit that I still believe in Santa Claus. After all, who else brings me presents every year?

I believe in the power of imagination. It’s the only way I can convince myself that the laundry pile is actually a giant mountain waiting to be conquered.

I may not have all the answers, but at least I have Google. Which is pretty much the same thing, right?

I believe that life is like a game of poker. Except I always forget how to play and end up losing all my chips.

I may not have a lot of money, but I’m rich in laughter. Mainly because I find my own jokes hilarious.