The only way to do great work is to love what you do. And if you can’t love it, learn to tolerate it at least!

Work hard in silence and let your success make all the noise, just make sure it doesn’t sound like a lawnmower.

Success is not the key to happiness. Finding a job with free snacks in the kitchen, that’s the key to happiness!

The harder you work, the luckier you get. Unless you work in a casino, then the opposite might be true!

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. But don’t imagine it for too long, because you’re still on the clock!

Don’t count the days until retirement, make the days count until the next coffee break!

Success is 99% hard work and 1% skill. And secretly, 50% of that hard work is pretending to work when your boss walks by!

If you think nobody cares about your work, try making a mistake and see how many people suddenly appear to care!

To succeed in business, you need the three D’s: dedication, determination, and a good Wi-Fi connection!

The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to take the stairs, one step at a time. But don’t worry, we installed an escalator!

The secret of getting ahead is getting started. But make sure you don’t start with Mondays!

Don’t worry about a slow start. Remember, even the turtle finished the race, and it probably took some coffee breaks too!

Work smarter, not harder. Unless your boss is watching, then just work.

Opportunity is missed by most people because it’s dressed in overalls and looks like work. Or maybe we just need to befriend more fashionable opportunities!

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have at avoiding work!

The road to success is always under construction. So, grab a hard hat and start building your empire!

Success is not in what you have, but in the size of your office chair. Preferably a massage chair!

The only thing standing between you and your goal is the story you keep telling yourself that you have more emails to reply to!

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, but until we finish work, we’re not free!

It’s okay to be a glow stick. Sometimes we need to break before we shine, or before we realize our coworker hid all the pens again!

Don’t regret the things you didn’t do at work. Regret the things you did, like eating that expired yogurt in the office fridge.

I’m not saying I hate my job, but if a genie granted me three wishes, the first would be unlimited paid time off!

The only time success comes before work is in the dictionary. In real life, you’re going to need some coffee first!

Work hard, play hard, and take naps. It’s the secret formula for success, unless your boss is watching.

The best way to predict the future is to create it. And the second best way is to hope someone invents teleportation so you can skip the Monday morning commute!

Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there’s something inside you that’s greater than any task on your to-do list.

Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire, but please don’t actually set yourself on fire!

Strive not to be a success but rather to be of value. And if you can’t be of value, at least be the one who always brings donuts to the office!

If you want to achieve greatness, stop asking permission. But still, ask for permission to go home early on Fridays!

The harder you work, the luckier you get. Or so I’ve heard. I’m still waiting for the luck to kick in after years of hard work!

Remember, the only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary. So, put down the dictionary and get back to work!

Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm. Or your sanity. And definitely not your coffee!

Don’t watch the clock. Do what it does. Keep going. But try to do it without making that annoying ticking sound!

Success is not just about making money. It’s also about avoiding your boss’s long, awkward conversations in the hallway!

The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. And our overzealous snooze button pressing habits.

The future depends on what you do today. So, if today you decide to take a nap at your desk, the future better have a cozy bed!

The only thing that stands between you and your dream job is the alarm clock. Or maybe the security guard.

Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today. Instead, let today’s lunch break take up too much of today!

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Unless those shots involve tequila shots during lunch breaks. Then it’s probably best to miss them!

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a room with a mosquito. And then try dealing with that mosquito while giving a PowerPoint presentation!

Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard. But if you’re talented at afternoon napping, we’ll need to revise that statement!

Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, so make sure it’s not just filling up your inbox!

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it. Or those who are too busy searching the office kitchen for leftover pizza!

The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary. But if you’re lucky, it might also come before Monday mornings!

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. So, make sure there’s a vending machine with your favorite snacks nearby! Remember, these quotes are meant to bring some inspiration and humor to the workplace. Enjoy and embrace the journey of work!

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott

Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way. – Michael Scott

I’m not a hero. I’m a high-functioning weirdo. – Jim Halpert

I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to just tune myself out. – Kelly Kapoor

I am running away from my responsibilities, and it feels good. – Michael Scott

I declare bankruptcy! – Michael Scott

Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. It’s like jazz – improvisation. – Michael Scott

I’m not boring. People think I’m boring. But I’m not. – Angela Martin

I’m not a bad boss. I just don’t believe in doing anything. – Michael Scott

I love inside jokes. I hope to be a part of one someday. – Andy Bernard

I’m not superstitious, but I’m a little stitious. – Michael Scott

I don’t care what they say about me. I just wanna eat. – Pam Beesly

I’m not insane. My mother had me tested. – Dwight Schrute

Dinner party, invitation lost. Guess it’ll just be the two of us… and Angela… and her cats. – Michael Scott

I would never miss an opportunity to eat cake. No wedding, no problem. – Kevin Malone

I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. – Michael Scott

I am fast. To give you a reference point, I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose… and a panther. – Dwight Schrute

I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. – Michael Scott

I love the smell of bacon in the morning. – Stanley Hudson

I’m not sure if you were aware, but I’m kind of a big deal around here. – Michael Scott

Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going, I just hope I find it along the way. – Michael Scott

Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online. – Michael Scott

I’m not defensive. And I’m not defensive. – Andy Bernard

I am Beyoncé, always. – Michael Scott

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. – Wayne Gretzky – Michael Scott

I am fast. To give you a reference point, I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose… and a panther. – Dwight Schrute

I’m not saying I’m Batman. I’m just saying nobody has ever seen me and Batman in a room together. – Jim Halpert

Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are just too flashy. So I’m forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls. – Angela Martin

I’m not a bad employee, I’m just a misunderstood genius. – Dwight Schrute

I love catching people in the act. That’s why I always whip open doors. – Creed Bratton

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott

People say I am the best boss. They go, ‘God, we’ve never worked in a place like this before. You’re hilarious. And you get the best out of us. – Michael Scott

I’m not a monster. I’m just ahead of the curve. – Dwight Schrute

I’m not a fancy person. I mean, I wear a belt most of the time. Murder? That’s a fancy person’s crime. – Michael Scott

I’m not a hero. I’m a high-functioning weirdo. – Jim Halpert

Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are just too flashy, so I’m forced to go to the American Girl Store and order clothes for large colonial dolls. – Angela Martin

I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me. – Dwight Schrute

I’m not really into the whole brevity thing. – Michael Scott

I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them. – Andy Bernard

I’m not a bad boss. I just have a different management style. – Michael Scott

Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy a yacht to pull up right alongside it. – Michael Scott

There have been a lot of times in my life when I’ve had apples, and I’ve had sed. This… is not sed. – Michael Scott

I’m not a loser. I’m not a loser. I’m not a loser. No, I’m not. – Stanley Hudson

I’m not unattractive, but I don’t consider myself a hottie. – Phyllis Vance

I’m not a big fan of irony. I think it’s sort of like goldy and bronzy, only it’s made of iron. – Michael Scott

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me.

Life is like a camera, focus on the good times, develop from the negatives.

I’m not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a committed relationship.

Don’t judge me by my coffee choices, you won’t like me when I’m decaf.

Brains are awesome, I wish everyone had one.

Don’t worry, I’m as clueless as the next person.

I was born to be wild, but only until around 9 pm or so.

Instead of cleaning my house, I just turn off the lights.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I’m not a princess, I don’t need saving. I have Wi-Fi.

I’m not late, I’m on my own time zone.

My level of sarcasm is directly proportional to your stupidity.

I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.

I’m not bossy, I just have better ideas.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome.

Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet. No one really knows how.

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.

I don’t need a parachute, my sarcasm slows me down.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are still under construction.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just practicing my parkour skills.

Common sense is like deodorant, the people who need it the most never use it.

I’m not old, I’m vintage.

I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy for something more important.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I’m not always right, but when I am, nobody remembers.

I put the ‘pro’ in procrastination.

I don’t make mistakes, I date them.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

I’m not crazy, my mother had me tested.

I can resist anything except temptation.

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone whose life gave them vodka, and have a party.

I wish everything was as easy as getting fat.

I’m not clumsy, it’s just a gravitational attraction to the Earth is stronger on me.

I don’t need anger management, I need people to stop pissing me off.

I’m sorry, I can’t adult today. Please come back tomorrow.

I don’t need a hairstylist, I just need a hat.

I’m not addicted to reading, I can quit as soon as I finish one more chapter.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode.

I’m not a morning person, I’m a ‘need coffee before I can form a coherent sentence’ person.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes – she hugged me.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

My train of thought often leaves the station without me.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.

I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

If someone says ‘expect the unexpected’, slap them and say ‘You didn’t expect that, did you?’

I always carry a knife in my pocket in case there’s cheesecake or something.

If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is definitely not for you.

I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.

I’m not short, I’m fun-sized.

The only running I do is running out of money.

I’m not addicted to chocolate. We’re just in a committed relationship.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I always keep a picture of my passport on my phone so I can pretend I’m exotic when I swipe right on Tinder.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

The closest I’ve come to a diet is erasing food searches from my browser history.

I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.

I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.

I haven’t lost my mind; it’s backed up on a hard drive somewhere.

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it ‘lunch.’

I owe my pet cat money because he’s been watching me borrow his toys for years.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

I always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for cooking, but I usually forget why I’ve kept it.

I put the ‘pro’ in ‘procrastination’.

I’m not indecisive, I just never make up my mind.

Behind every successful person is a substantial amount of coffee.

I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.

I’m not crazy, my reality is just different from yours.

Remember when ‘old’ referred to people, and ‘cool’ referred to temperatures?

I like to think of myself as ‘vintage’, not old.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Life is too short to wear matching socks.

I’ve reached the age where my brain goes from ‘You probably shouldn’t say that’ to ‘What the heck, let’s see what happens’.

Don’t be afraid to take risks. Just make sure those risks don’t involve voodoo dolls or squirrels with chainsaws.

Normal is just an illusion. What’s normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

I don’t have a dirty mind. I have a sexy imagination.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just allergic to gravity.

I refuse to go an hour without coffee. It’s called ‘self-care.’

I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying. Worst transformer ever!

Life is too short to take anything seriously, except for pizza toppings.

Life is like a box of chocolates, but I always seem to get the one with the weird filling.

If life gives you lemons, just add vodka and have a party!

Life is not a fairy tale, unless you can find a prince who knows how to fix plumbing.

Life is like a roller coaster, and I always seem to forget my seatbelt.

Life would be so much easier if we could just Ctrl+Alt+Delete some people.

Life is too short to wear boring socks.

Life is tough, but so are bubble wraps.

Life is too important to be taken seriously, except when choosing Netflix shows.

Life is like a pizza slice – it’s always better when shared with someone you love.

Life is a comedy show, and I’m the clumsy comedian tripping over everything.

Life is like a selfie – it’s all about finding the right angle.

Life is like a pencil, sometimes you need to sharpen it to make a point.

Life is like a puzzle, I always seem to be missing some important pieces.

Life is like a camera, focus on the good times and develop from the negatives.

Life is like a grammar exam – I never know if I’m using the right affect or effect.

Life is like a cup of coffee – bitter at times, but ultimately necessary for survival.

Life is like a dance floor, and I have two left feet.

Life is like a traffic jam, always trying to find the quickest shortcut.

Life is like a fridge – some days it’s full of delicious leftovers, and others it’s just sad and empty.

Life is like a book, and I’m still trying to figure out if I’m the main character or just a background extra.

Life is like a pair of slippers – it’s comfortable, but sometimes it gets a little smelly.

Life is like a game of Monopoly – it’s all about collecting imaginary money and bankrupting your friends.

Life is like a dog – it’s messy, unpredictable, but ultimately brings us so much joy.

Life is like a music playlist, sometimes you need to skip a song to get to the good part.

Life is like a haircut – it’s better to trust a professional than attempt it yourself.

Life is like a supermarket, and I always end up in the aisle of chocolate.

Life is like a garden – sometimes you need to get your hands dirty to grow something beautiful.

Life is like a song, and I’m still trying to find the right dance moves to go with it.

Life is like a pocket full of tissues – you never know when you’ll need to wipe away the tears or the excess cheese from a pizza slice.

Life is like a sitcom, and I’m the clumsy character who always walks into glass doors.

Life is like a shampoo bottle – it’s hard to squeeze out the last drop, but it’s always worth it.

Life is like a shopping cart – it’s always full of things I don’t need but can’t resist buying.

Life is like a bike ride – sometimes you go downhill and other times you face uphill battles.

Life is like a relationship – happiness is important, but never underestimate the power of a good pizza.

Life is like a text message – it’s better when it’s short and sweet.

Life is like a math problem – I never understood it, but somehow I manage to survive.

Life is like a pair of jeans – it can be a struggle to find the perfect fit, but once you do, it’s pure bliss.

Life is like a toothpaste tube – sometimes you need to squeeze it from the bottom to make the most out of it.

Life is like a Wi-Fi signal – it works perfectly until you need it the most.

Life is like a crossword puzzle – sometimes you need help from a friend to find the right answers.

Life is like a game of hide and seek – it’s more fun when you find someone hiding in the most unexpected places.

Life is like a washing machine – it’s full of dirty laundry, but eventually, everything comes out clean.

Life is like a bowl of ice cream – it melts quickly, so you better eat it fast.

Life is like a joke – it’s always better when there’s a punchline at the end.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…she gave me a hug.

Common sense is like deodorant – the people who need it most never use it.

You know you’re getting old when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

I don’t need a hairstylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just skilled at rearranging the furniture with my toes.

I tried to diet, but I realized nachos and cheese were just too grate together.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?

I don’t need a hairstylist; my hair just prefers to be creatively messy.

I’m not lazy; I’m just on energy-saving mode.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I don’t need a psychiatrist; I have a cat that listens and doesn’t judge.

My neighbors listen to great music, whether they like it or not.

I’m not crazy; my reality is just different from yours.

The trouble with trouble is it starts as fun.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

I don’t need anger management; I need people to stop pissing me off.

The best way to predict the future is to create it…or wait for the wifi to work.

The secret to a happy marriage is a sense of humor and a short memory.

I’m not addicted to chocolate; we’re just in a committed relationship.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘chocolate,’ and I’ll turn around.

I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I told my wife I wanted another pack of gum; she said to check my pants.

I drink coffee for your protection.

I’m not high maintenance; I’m low effort high need.

I don’t need a personal assistant; I need a personal chef and a personal masseuse.

I may be a genius, but behind every genius is someone reminding them to put pants on.

Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.

I don’t snore; I dream I’m a motorcycle.

Life is too short to remove USB safely.

I’m not a procrastinator; I just prefer last-minute living.

I can resist anything, except temptation…and chocolate.

I have a degree in karate, psychology, and origami: I can kick your butt, figure you out, and then fold you into a swan.

I don’t need a personal trainer; my wallet does enough heavy lifting.

I’m not spoiled; I’m just well taken care of.

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch; it’s called lunch.

I don’t snore; I dream I’m a tractor revving up for a big day at the farm.

If someone tells you to behave, just shout, ‘You’re not the boss of me!’

I’m not lazy; I’m just in energy-efficient mode.

I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book. – Groucho Marx

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Al McGuire

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches. – Alice Roosevelt Longworth

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde

I can resist everything except temptation. – Mae West

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. – W.C. Fields

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. – Groucho Marx

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. – Henny Youngman

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. – Richard Lewis

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it. – Franklin P. Jones

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. – Nicolas Chamfort

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. – Rodney Dangerfield

I’m not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen

Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. – Fred Allen

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. – Oscar Wilde

I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. – Woody Allen

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. – Woody Allen

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. – Bob Monkhouse

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. – Elayne Boosler

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. – Rodney Dangerfield

I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Anita Loos

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. – Groucho Marx

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. – Lily Tomlin

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – Groucho Marx

I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. – Benjamin Franklin

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Robin Williams

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn

If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito. – Betty Reese

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. – Albert Camus

I’m an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat. – Harold Wilson

The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them. – Josh Billings

The best way to predict the future is to create it. – Peter Drucker

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. – Robert Bloch

My mother always used to say: ‘The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.’ – Betty White

Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t handle science fiction. – Robin Williams

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well. – Mark Twain

I don’t want to be a millionaire; I just want to live like one. – Dean Martin

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants. – A. Whitney Brown

I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship. – Louisa May Alcott

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? – Steven Wright

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten. – George Carlin

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to just tune myself out.

I’m not lazy. I’m just conserving energy.

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

I pretend to work until the Friday drinks cart comes around.

Coffee: because adulting is hard.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me lazy, I’d probably hire someone to pick up all the dollars I made.

I’m not late, I just prefer the scenic route to my desk.

I would exercise, but it makes me spill my wine.

I’m not bossy, I just have better ideas.

I don’t get drunk, I get awesome.

The only thing I’m committed to right now is avoiding work.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.

If sarcasm burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just testing gravity.

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

I don’t need a gym membership, my desk chair has wheels.

I’m not a morning person, I’m an all-day-hater.

I’m not being rude, I’m just saying what everyone else is thinking.

I’m not losing weight, I’m just getting rid of excess awesomeness.

Coffee: because adulting is hard.

My body is not a temple, it’s a mini-mart with beer.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.

I’m not ignoring you, I’m just prioritizing my time accordingly.

I’m not short-tempered, I’m just on a mission to eradicate stupidity.

I don’t have a problem with caffeine, I have a problem without it.

I don’t need a personal trainer, I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy snacks out of my hand.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me lazy, I’d probably hire someone to pick up all the dollars I made.

I’m not lazy, I’m just actively in energy-saving mode.

I’m not arguing, I’m simply explaining why I’m right.

I don’t need anger management, I need people to stop pissing me off.

I’m not hard to understand, you’re just easy to confuse.

I would exercise, but it makes me spill my margarita.

Don’t mistake my efficiency for laziness.

I’m not always late, but when I am, I make it look fashionable.

I’m not antisocial, I’m selectively social.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’, but there is a ‘U’ in ‘useless co-worker’.

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

Office parties: the perfect opportunity to mingle with people you avoid during work hours.

I don’t need a gym membership, my office chair has wheels.

I can’t adult today, please don’t make me adult.

If only I could get paid to look busy, I’d be a billionaire.

I only drink on two occasions: when I’m thirsty and when I’m not.

Three drinks a day keeps the doctor away… well, at least the ones you don’t want to see.

I don’t need a therapist, I just need a bottle of wine.

Alcohol: because no great story ever started with someone eating a salad.

I workout so I can drink more wine. It’s all about balance, right?

In wine years, I’m already old enough to drink.

Alcohol may not solve my problems, but neither does milk.

I’m not an alcoholic, I’m a wine enthusiast.

Coffee keeps me going until it’s acceptable to drink wine.

I have mixed drinks about feelings.

Beer: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems. – Homer Simpson

I’m not drunk, I’m just dancing in cursive.

Wine is my spirit animal.

Drinking wine is just my way of adulting.

I’m not drunk, I’m just speaking in cursive.

I’m not an alcoholic, I’m a professional wine taster.

I like to think of drinking as vertical yoga.

I’m not saying I’m Wonder Woman, but have you ever seen us in the same room without a glass of wine?

Drinking is like a vacation for my liver.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. – Benjamin Franklin

I don’t get drunk, I get awesome.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

I tried cooking with wine, but after four glasses, I forgot why I was in the kitchen.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy me a bottle of wine, and that’s pretty close.

Alcohol doesn’t make you fat, it makes you lean… against tables, chairs, and random strangers.

I don’t cry over spilled milk, but I might cry over spilled wine.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

I only drink on days that end in ‘y.’

Alcohol: because no great story starts with a salad.

Wine is like duct tape, it fixes everything.

They say too much alcohol kills your brain cells, but I say it just kills the weak ones.

Beer: because making bad decisions for over 5,000 years can’t be wrong.

I don’t need a prince, I need a full glass of wine.

My doctor says I need glasses. Wine glasses, that is.

I don’t have a drinking problem, I’m just really good at it.

Life is too short to drink bad wine.

I like whiskey. I’m pretty sure it likes me too.

My blood type is Riesling.

I’m not drunk, I’m drinking away my feelings.

Drinking wine is not my hobby, it’s my passion.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. – Benjamin Franklin

I’m not saying I’m Wonder Woman, but have you ever seen her and me in the same room without a glass of wine?

I’m not a regular mom, I’m a cool mom… with a flask.

The best wines are the ones we drink with friends.

Drink responsibly, don’t spill it.

I like my coffee like I like my mornings – dark and strong!

Coffee: because adulting is hard!

Behind every successful person is a substantial amount of coffee.

Coffee doesn’t ask silly questions, coffee understands.

Decaf? No thanks, I prefer my coffee to have a personality.

Coffee is my love language.

I can’t espresso how much you bean to me.

Coffee: the original morning superhero.

I’m not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a very committed relationship.

Coffee is the glue that holds my life together.

I have a latte love for coffee!

Coffee – because anger management is expensive.

Coffee: fuel for the caffeine-powered brain.

Coffee: the official drink of procrastination.

I don’t need an inspirational quote, I need coffee!

Coffee, the reason I wake up every morning… and the reason I don’t get much done.

Coffee – because adulting without it is just a sad, decaffeinated existence.

In a world full of basic, be a caramel macchiato.

Life happens, coffee helps.

Coffee: turning ‘I can’t’ into ‘I can’t even without it.’

Keep calm and drink coffee.

I can’t think of a clever coffee pun, I haven’t had my coffee yet.

Coffee: my power fuel to save the world.

Sometimes I think coffee is my spirit animal.

Coffee, the only addiction I’m okay with.

Coffee – because without it, mornings would be depresso.

I’m sorry for what I said before I had my coffee.

Espresso yourself, but with coffee.

Coffee: the dark side of the day.

Coffee is the answer, no matter what the question is.

Caffeine and kindness: the perfect brew.

Coffee, the ultimate life-hack.

Coffee: the warm hug in a mug.

Life happens, coffee helps me cope.

Inhale confidence, exhale coffee.

Coffee: the key to surviving Monday mornings.

Coffee: the magical elixir of productivity.

Without coffee, mornings would be empty and dull.

Coffee: my favorite blend of sanity and happiness.

Coffee: the legal drug that keeps me going.

Coffee: the best part of waking up… and the rest of the day too.

Coffee and friends make the perfect blend.

Coffee: because adulting without it is just sad-ulting.

Coffee: the only way to start the day without breaking the law.

Coffee, the ultimate pick-me-up and friend who never disappoints.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She hugged me.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Why be moody when you can shake your booty?

If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving is definitely not for you.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me lazy, I’d probably hire someone to pick up my money.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just taking the floor for a spontaneous dance.

Without ME, it’s just AWESO.

The only exercise I do is running out of patience.

I’m not shy, I’m just holding back my awesomeness for the right moment.

I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Never trust an atom, they make up everything!

I’m not arguing, I’m simply explaining why I’m right.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.

I don’t have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination.

I didn’t fall, the floor just needed a hug.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

If I won the lottery, I’d donate some to charity and keep the rest for shopping.

Common sense is like deodorant, the people who need it the most never use it.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-efficient mode.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

I live in a constant state of readiness for the zombie apocalypse.

In a world full of Kardashians, be a Phoebe.

I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.

I always carry a pen in my pocket, because you never know when someone may ask for an autograph.

I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I only speak in emoji to confuse my family and friends.

If procrastination was an Olympic sport, I’d probably finish last.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.

I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

Common sense is like deodorant, the people who need it the most never use it.

If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

I live in a constant state of readiness for the zombie apocalypse.

In a world full of Kardashians, be a Phoebe.

I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.

I always carry a pen in my pocket because you never know when someone may ask for an autograph.

Laughter is the best medicine, but I didn’t go to medical school.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes – she hugged me.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a mission to rearrange the floor’s layout.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

Behind every successful person is a substantial amount of coffee.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy for when it really matters.

Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired!

I wear glasses because without them, I can’t see the humor in life.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!

I accidentally bumped into my ex today; with my car… Oops!

If there is a will, there are five hundred relatives.

I took up jogging for my health, but all I seem to do is run out of breath.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!

I accidentally bumped into my ex today; with my car… Oops!

If there is a will, there are five hundred relatives.

I took up jogging for my health, but all I seem to do is run out of breath.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!

I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a mission to rearrange the floor’s layout.

I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy for when it really matters.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I wear glasses because without them, I can’t see the humor in life.

Behind every successful person is a substantial amount of coffee.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you? And well you should not.

Do or do not. There is no try.

Pass on what you have learned. Strength, mastery, hmm… but weakness, folly, failure also. Yes, failure most of all. The greatest teacher, failure is.

Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.

Much to learn you still have, my young padawan.

The force is strong with this one.

Wars not make one great.

Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you?

Difficult to see. Always in motion is the future.

Always pass on what you have learned.

A Jedi uses the force for knowledge and defense, never for attack.

Adventure. Excitement. A Jedi craves not these things.

You must unlearn what you have learned.

In a dark place we find ourselves, and a little more knowledge lights our way.

Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter.

To be Jedi is to face the truth, and choose. Give off light, or darkness, Padawan. Be a candle, or the night.

In a galaxy far, far away, patience you must have.

Control, control, you must learn control!

Judge me by my size, do you? And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is.

The greatest teacher, failure is.

Adventure. Excitement. A Jedi craves not these things.

That is why you fail.

To answer power with power, the Jedi way this is not. In this war, a danger there is, of losing who we are.

You think Yoda stops teaching, just because his student does not want to hear? A teacher Yoda is. Yoda teaches like drunkards drink, like killers kill.

Do not assume anything Obi-Wan. Clear your mind must be if you are to discover the real villains behind this plot.

Named must your fear be before banish it you can.

You will find only what you bring in.

Control, control, you must learn control!

With great power, comes great responsibility.

Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you?

Happens to every guy sometimes this does.

You were the chosen one!

Many of the truths that we cling to depend on our point of view.

Secret, shall I tell you? Grand Master of Jedi Order am I. Won this job in a raffle I did. Hmm? Jedi Council, take you in I will. Hmm? Good relations with the Wookiees, I have. Hmm. Powerful Jedi, I am. Hmm? But not are you. Hmm. Through the force, things you will see. Other places. The future, the past. Old friends long gone.

A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack.

Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Consume you, it will.

When you look at the dark side, careful you must be. For the dark side looks back.

Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is.

The fear of loss is a path to the dark side.

Truly wonderful the mind of a child is.

In the end, cowards are those who follow the dark side.

If no mistake you have made, yet losing you are… a different game you should play.

The dark side clouds everything. Impossible to see the future is.

Always pass on what you have learned.

In this war, a danger there is, of losing who we are.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy saving mode.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a secret mission to test gravity.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I’m not addicted to coffee. We’re just in a committed relationship.

I’m not a chef, I just microwave like a boss.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just a ninja in training.

If common sense was a person, it would have taken a vacation from me long ago.

I’m not stalking you, I’m just researching your life intensely.

I’m not short, I’m fun-sized for your convenience.

I don’t make mistakes, I just have unexpected learning opportunities.

I’m not lazy, I’m in energy-saving mode.

I’m not messy, I’m creatively organized.

I’m not forgetful, I’m just living in a parallel universe.

I’m not talking to myself, I’m just having a team meeting.

I don’t have a special talent, I’m just easily entertained.

I’m not late, I’m just on my own unique time zone.

I don’t need an alarm clock, my internal alarm wakes me up at random times.

I’m not a couch potato, I’m an indoor relaxation expert.

I don’t need a personal trainer, my cat keeps me active with its constant demands for attention.

I don’t have bad luck, I just live in a neighborhood full of opportunities.

I’m not clumsy, I’m directionally challenged.

I don’t have a favorite color, I just can’t make up my mind.

I don’t have a sweet tooth, I have an entire bakery in my mouth.

I’m not addicted to social media, I just have high levels of FOMO.

I’m not a morning person, I’m a pillow enthusiast.

I’m not weird, I’m just a limited edition.

I don’t need an alarm clock, my phone gets lonely and starts making noise.

I’m not lost, I’m just taking the scenic route.

I don’t need caffeine, I’m already naturally hyper.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just hugging the floor excessively.

I’m not a control freak, I just have strong suggestions.

I don’t procrastinate, I just enjoy doing things at the last minute.

I don’t snore, I provide background music while sleeping.

I’m not a troublemaker, I’m just allergic to boredom.

I’m not late, I just like to practice patience.

I don’t have a short attention span, I just prefer to multitask all the time.

I’m not ignoring you, I’m just mentally vacationing somewhere else.

I’m not a comedian, I’m just a professional at making bad jokes.

I don’t need a personal assistant, my phone knows everything about me.

I don’t believe in luck, I believe in random acts of awesomeness.

I’m not a morning person, I’m just nocturnally inclined.

I don’t have road rage, I have car enthusiasm.

I don’t have a six-pack, I have a family pack.

I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong because I can twist the truth to fit my narrative.

A successful relationship is just two imperfect people refusing to give up on each other.

A relationship should be built on love, laughter, and a little bit of sarcasm.

Marriage: the only war where you sleep with the enemy and steal the covers.

If a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every six months about it.

Being in a relationship is like being on a roller coaster. Sometimes you’re screaming in fear, and other times you’re laughing uncontrollably.

Relationships are like smartphones. You constantly have to be charging them up.

In a relationship, don’t count the hours you spend together; count the laughs you share.

Love is sharing your popcorn even when you want to eat the whole bag yourself.

Relationships are like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.

The secret to a happy relationship is a sense of humor and a short memory.

A good relationship is when your partner knows how you take your coffee, even if they don’t drink it themselves.

A successful relationship is built on love, trust, and the ability to enjoy each other’s weirdness.

The best way to keep your relationship alive is by constantly making fun of each other.

Love is blind, marriage is an eye-opener, and divorce is a forceps.

A relationship is like a game of chess. One wrong move, and your queen will end up being taken.

Don’t worry if your partner doesn’t complete you. A relationship is not a puzzle – it’s a two-pizza kind of thing.

Falling in love is easy, staying in love requires a sense of humor.

I love you more than I love Netflix, but please don’t ask me to choose.

Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably crap.

A good relationship is when someone accepts your past, supports your present, and encourages your future stupidity.

I love you with all my belly. I would say heart, but my belly is bigger.

Relationships are like puzzles. Sometimes you just need to take a break and look at the bigger picture.

Love is swapping your fries for their onion rings without hesitation.

If love is blind, marriage is like opening your eyes underwater.

The best relationships are the ones where you can act like total idiots together.

In a relationship, one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

Love is finding someone who looks at you like you’re their favorite pizza.

A good relationship is built on equal parts love, trust, and a shared hatred for doing the dishes.

Love is sharing your food and your deepest, darkest secrets.

Relationships are like skis. If one person falls, the other should yell, ‘Pizza!’

True love means accepting each other’s weird habits and still wanting to share a bathroom.

A relationship without laughter is like a song without a melody – it just doesn’t work.

The key to a successful relationship is never going to bed angry. Unless someone ate the last slice of pizza, then all bets are off.

Love is when someone knows all your flaws and still finds you absolutely cute.

Being in a relationship is like a marathon. No matter how tired you are, you keep pushing through until the finish line.

A good relationship is built on trust, laughter, and the ability to discreetly pass gas in front of each other.

Love is knowing that no matter how messy life gets, someone will always be there to hold your hand and say, ‘We’ll figure it out.’

In a relationship, the best kind of pillow talk is about food and future vacation plans.

Love is not having to hold in your farts around each other.

A successful relationship is finding someone who will annoy you the least out of everyone else you know.

Being in a relationship means having a built-in teammate for all of life’s adventures, and someone to blame when things go wrong.

Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably crap.

A relationship without trust is like a phone without a signal. You end up playing games.

Love is surviving each other’s cooking experiments without ordering takeout.

The best relationships are the ones where you can be weird together and still have the most fun.

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott

Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way. – Michael Scott

I’m not saying I’m Superman, but have you ever seen us in the same room together? – Dwight Schrute

I am Beyoncé, always. – Michael Scott

I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me. – Michael Scott

I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to tune myself out. – Kelly Kapoor

I’m not crazy. I just have way more energy than any normal person. – Andy Bernard

Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I do not do that thing. – Dwight Schrute

I’m not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn’t even close. Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40 I had less money than I did when I was

– Creed Bratton

Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are too flashy, so I’m forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls. – Angela Martin

I’m like an owl. I’m wise, and I have a lot of feathers. – Erin Hannon

I’m not a hero. I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else. – Michael Scott

The worst thing about prison was the dementors. – Prison Mike (Michael Scott)

I’m not reliable on a day-to-day basis, but when it really matters, I always come through. – Jim Halpert

I didn’t ask for it, but I was born with a competitive edge, and I guess that’s what has gotten me to where I am today. – Dwight Schrute

I can’t be bought. But I can be rented, temporarily. – Stanley Hudson

I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them. – Andy Bernard

People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses, second only to the neck. – Dwight Schrute

I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but at least I’m not a spoon. – Kevin Malone

It’s like Shakespeare said, ‘Pearls before swine.’ – Andy Bernard

A mistake plus keleven gets you home by seven. – Kevin Malone

I love catching people in the act. That’s why I always whip open doors. – Dwight Schrute

I am aware of the effect I have on women. – Michael Scott

I’m not a fan of this word ’employee.’ You have no idea how high I can fly. – Creed Bratton

I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most. – Darryl Philbin

I’m not a bad guy. I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell? – Stanley Hudson

I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. – Kevin Malone

You know what they say. Fool me once, strike one, but fool me twice… strike three. – Michael Scott

I am fast. To give you a reference point, I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose… and a panther. – Dwight Schrute

I don’t want to live in a world without cheetahs. I could, but I don’t want to. – Ryan Howard

I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake. – Phyllis Vance

We need a new plague. – Dwight Schrute

Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year! – Dwight Schrute

I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl. So, I’m wise and I have worms. – Michael Scott

I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all, and it’s terrible. – Michael Scott

I’m always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter that makes stairs. – Andy Bernard

Nobody likes beets, Dwight! You should grow something everybody does like. You should grow candy. – Jim Halpert

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott

Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that’s always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing. – Michael Scott

I am not a hero. I do nothing heroic. I’m not even brave enough to be a coward. I just do what I’m told. – Kevin Malone

Why waste time say lot word when few word do trick? – Kevin Malone

I know I’m not perfect, but I try to be a good person, and I protect my friends. – Pam Beesly

Goodbye, Toby! It’s been nice. Hope you find your paradise! – Andy Bernard

When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life. – Angela Martin

I’m not really good with people. – Toby Flenderson

My job is so funny, I laugh all the way to the office!

Work is so funny, I could write a stand-up routine about it.

They say laughter is the best medicine, so I guess my job is a full-time doctor!

My job is like a circus act, with me juggling tasks and dodging office politics.

Work might be serious, but I choose to find the humor in it.

Being a comedian would be easier than dealing with some of these work deadlines!

I’m convinced that my job was created just to give me material for my stand-up routine.

Sometimes I wonder if my job is a real job or just a practical joke gone too far.

Laughing at work is my secret talent.

I’m considering changing career paths to become a professional laughter generator.

If my job was an emoji, it would definitely be the laughing face.

I never thought I’d say this, but I actually look forward to Monday mornings for the laughs.

Working 9 to 5 might be exhausting, but at least it gives me funny stories to tell at parties.

Every day at work is like stepping into a comedy show, with unexpected punchlines at every corner.

The best way to survive a boring job is to find the humor in it.

My job interview was basically a stand-up comedy routine, and I nailed it!

If laughter is the best medicine, then working a funny job is the ultimate cure.

I once laughed so hard at work that my boss thought I was having a meltdown.

I might not be a professional comedian, but my colleagues think I should moonlight as one.

When life gives you work, make sure to add a dash of humor.

Work is like a box of chocolates, you never know when you’ll find a funny coworker.

Funny job perk: I don’t need to pay for a gym membership because I get enough cardio from laughing.

Proof that you’re in a funny job: you can’t tell if your coworkers are being serious or sarcastic half the time!

They say laughter is contagious, so I’m just being a responsible coworker by infecting everyone with humor.

Even on my worst workday, I can always count on my job to provide a few funny moments.

Funny job requirement: must be able to laugh at your own jokes.

Laughter might be the best policy, but it doesn’t always go over well in meetings.

In my career, the laughter is the bonus, not the paycheck.

Work might be stressful, but I consider myself a professional stress reliever through humor.

My boss once told me my humor was too distracting, so I had to bring laughter into the workplace under the radar.

Working in a funny job is like being stuck on a never-ending comedy tour.

Funny jobs should come with a warning label: ‘may cause uncontrollable laughter.’

If my job was a sitcom, I’d definitely be the comic relief character.

They say laughter is the best form of communication, so I guess I’m fluent in funny.

Humor should be a required skill in every job description.

My coworkers can always count on me to turn a dull meeting into a laughing session.

Funny job tip: always keep a stash of funny memes for emergencies.

What’s the difference between a boring job and a funny job? Five cups of coffee and a sense of humor.

If my job was a stand-up comedy routine, I’d be performing at sold-out arenas.

Best part of a funny job: you get paid to make people laugh.

I might not be a comedian by profession, but I definitely have the comedic timing down in the office.

Working in a funny job is like getting paid to attend a comedy show every day.

I once tried to sprinkle humor into my job application, and they hired me on the spot.

A funny job is like a good haircut – it makes your day brighter and more stylish.

If a job is worth doing, it’s worth doing with a smile and a few funny anecdotes.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a yacht big enough to sail right up to it.

I asked my bank if they could perform a comedy routine, but they said their business model doesn’t allow for many laughs.

I don’t mind spending money, as long as it’s someone else’s.

Money talks, but mine just says goodbye.

The best things in life are free, but the really good things cost a whole lot of money.

I used to be a cashew, but then I found my true calling as a penny-pincher.

I may not have much money, but I’m rich in witty comebacks.

Why does money smell so good? Because it’s scents-ational!

I thought about investing in stocks, but then I realized I prefer a good bowl of chicken noodle soup.

The only thing ‘high risk’ about me is my love for shopping spree.

The problem with money is that it never seems to be as funny as it is in a comedy sketch.

Why did the coin go to therapy? It had too many issues with change.

I think money is like sea waves: it comes and goes, and sometimes it leaves you all wet.

I’m not saying I’m cheap, but I just invented DIY reusable toilet paper.

Instead of a piggy bank, I have a porky bank, because why not add some humor to saving money?

Why did the dollar go to the party? To get a little change.

Money may not buy love, but it can definitely rent a fancy car to impress a potential date.

I tried to take a banknote to the gym, but it kept making excuses not to work out.

What do you call a pile of money that’s also a great dancer? Cha-Ching!

I found a fiver in the street today. I thought, ‘Well, this changes everything… I can buy two coffees now!’

I told my wallet it needed to lose weight, and it responded by giving me a blank stare.

My credit card company called to ask where I’ve been. I told them, ‘Enjoying life on the ‘pay later’ plan!’

Money can’t buy love, but it can buy a pretty convincing illusion of it.

I saw a $100 bill floating in the air today. I guess that’s what they mean when they say money doesn’t grow on trees.

I tried to make a coin laugh, but it was too cents-itive.

I asked my boss for a raise and he told me, ‘Money doesn’t grow on trees.’ I replied, ‘Well then, I guess I’m in the wrong line of work!’

Why did the dollar go to school? To get its cents of education.

Money may not buy happiness, but it sure can buy me a chocolate bar, and that’s close enough.

I’m not saying I’m obsessed with money, but I did name my dog ‘Cashew’.

I tried sending money by email, but the receiver just got stuck in the spam folder.

Why did the quarter run away? It didn’t want to be a part of the change!

I refuse to spend money on therapy when I can get the same amount of relief from shopping.

I’m not saying I’m bad with money, but I can turn a $20 bill into a receipt faster than anyone I know.

I found a banknote in my pocket and felt like a winner… until I realized it was from a different country.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can definitely buy ice cream, and that’s pretty close.

Why did the dollar bill go to the doctor? It felt a bit defaced.

I used to have a fear of change, but then I realized it was also my ticket to buying snacks from the vending machine.

Money can’t buy love, but it can definitely rent it for a while.

I’m not saying I’m addicted to money, but I did install a cash register sound as my phone’s text notification.

I had a dream that I won the lottery, and then I woke up and realized it was just my imagination playing tricks on my wallet.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but it sure can buy a lot of cats… and that’s pretty close.

I tried to make a joke about money, but it just turned into a currency exchange.

Money may not buy happiness, but it can buy me a ticket to a comedy show, and that’s close enough.

Why did the bank note go to therapy? It needed some change management.

Being rich doesn’t make you happy, but it sure does make a dark chocolate bar taste better.

I asked the librarian if she had a book on paranoia, she leaned in close and whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I wouldn’t say I’m a morning person, but I’m definitely not a mourning person. I leave that to the zombies.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

They say laughter is the best medicine, but if you laugh for no reason, you need medicine.

My bank account is a like a 3D movie. There’s always something popping out that I didn’t expect.

I broke my pencil today and it drew blood. Now I understand why they’re called stationary.

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!

I made a pencil with two erasers, but it was pointless.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I was going to tell a joke about infinity, but then I realized it has no end.

I got expelled from math class for staring too long at my X.

You can’t run through a campground. You can only ‘ran,’ because it’s always past tents.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I’m not clumsy, it’s just that the floor hates me, tables and chairs attack me, and walls get in my way.

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they might crack up!

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I’m not clumsy, it’s just that the floor hates me, tables and chairs attack me, and walls get in my way.

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they might crack up!

Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn’t stop the rain but allows us to keep going.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.

I stopped fighting my inner demons. We’re on the same side now. Planning world domination.

You know you’re getting old when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

I don’t need anger management; I need people to stop irritating me.

Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they would be bagels!

I once had a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

I didn’t want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

Marriage is like a deck of cards – you need a heart to love, a diamond to marry, a club to smack if they misbehave, and a spade to bury the body.

Wedding vows: the ultimate test of your memory and your ability to lie with a straight face.

The secret to a successful marriage? Just remember that you’re always right, and they’re just always wrong.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy and ask them to do the laundry.

Marriage: the bond that keeps a man from flirting and a woman from shopping.

Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park!

Why fall in love when you can fall asleep and eat pizza instead?

Weddings are like going to the theater – the main show is good, but the real entertainment is watching the drunk guests on the dance floor.

A successful marriage is all about finding someone who can tolerate your weirdness and still love you for it.

Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person ordered, you wish you had ordered that instead.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

In my house, I’m the king, and my wife is just the decision-maker.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

My wife and I were perfectly happy until we got married.

Marriage is a workshop where the husband works and the wife shops.

Being in a long-lasting marriage is like competing in a marathon… except you’re running against yourself and chocolate cake.

Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is cluttered with dirty laundry and the pieces are all arguing.

Love is patient, love is kind. And if that doesn’t work, love is getting separate beds.

I love being married! It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

A good marriage is like a casserole – only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.

Marriage is trading freedom for someone to share the last slice of pizza with.

The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest they’re too old to do it.

My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.

Behind every great man stands a woman rolling her eyes.

No relationship is perfect; it’s all about finding someone who puts up with your nonsense.

Marriage is all about finding that one person you want to annoy for the rest of eternity.

The four most important words in any marriage: I’ll do the dishes.

Marriage is like a workshop, where even the smallest mistakes are magnified… for the rest of your life.

Marriage is an institution of three rings – engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway!

I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.

Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man-child who can’t take care of himself.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

Husband and wife: two small words, but for some, it’s the entire dictionary.

Marry someone who looks at you the same way as when pizza arrives.

Marriage is finding that one person who likes waking up next to you, despite your morning breath.

Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.

Marriage is all about compromise – for example, agreeing with your spouse on where to spend the holidays… yours or mine.

Marriage is like a phone charger – it’s only useful when plugged into the right socket.

Marriage is made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.

It’s not a true wedding unless the bride accidentally throws the bouquet through an open window.

Marriage is like a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

A wedding is just a fancy party where you get to eat cake and pretend to be mature.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence, and second marriages are the triumph of hope over experience.