I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…she gave me a hug.

Common sense is like deodorant – the people who need it most never use it.

You know you’re getting old when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

I don’t need a hairstylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just skilled at rearranging the furniture with my toes.

I tried to diet, but I realized nachos and cheese were just too grate together.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?

I don’t need a hairstylist; my hair just prefers to be creatively messy.

I’m not lazy; I’m just on energy-saving mode.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I don’t need a psychiatrist; I have a cat that listens and doesn’t judge.

My neighbors listen to great music, whether they like it or not.

I’m not crazy; my reality is just different from yours.

The trouble with trouble is it starts as fun.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

I don’t need anger management; I need people to stop pissing me off.

The best way to predict the future is to create it…or wait for the wifi to work.

The secret to a happy marriage is a sense of humor and a short memory.

I’m not addicted to chocolate; we’re just in a committed relationship.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘chocolate,’ and I’ll turn around.

I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I told my wife I wanted another pack of gum; she said to check my pants.

I drink coffee for your protection.

I’m not high maintenance; I’m low effort high need.

I don’t need a personal assistant; I need a personal chef and a personal masseuse.

I may be a genius, but behind every genius is someone reminding them to put pants on.

Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.

I don’t snore; I dream I’m a motorcycle.

Life is too short to remove USB safely.

I’m not a procrastinator; I just prefer last-minute living.

I can resist anything, except temptation…and chocolate.

I have a degree in karate, psychology, and origami: I can kick your butt, figure you out, and then fold you into a swan.

I don’t need a personal trainer; my wallet does enough heavy lifting.

I’m not spoiled; I’m just well taken care of.

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch; it’s called lunch.

I don’t snore; I dream I’m a tractor revving up for a big day at the farm.

If someone tells you to behave, just shout, ‘You’re not the boss of me!’

I’m not lazy; I’m just in energy-efficient mode.

I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book. – Groucho Marx

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Al McGuire

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. Scratch where it itches. – Alice Roosevelt Longworth

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde

I can resist everything except temptation. – Mae West

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. – W.C. Fields

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. – Groucho Marx

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. – Henny Youngman

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. – Richard Lewis

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it. – Franklin P. Jones

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. – Nicolas Chamfort

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet. – Rodney Dangerfield

I’m not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen

Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. – Fred Allen

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. – Oscar Wilde

I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. – Woody Allen

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. – Woody Allen

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. – Bob Monkhouse

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. – Elayne Boosler

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. – Rodney Dangerfield

I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Anita Loos

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. – Groucho Marx

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. – Lily Tomlin

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – Groucho Marx

I didn’t fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong. – Benjamin Franklin

I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Robin Williams

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn

If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito. – Betty Reese

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. – Albert Camus

I’m an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat. – Harold Wilson

The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them. – Josh Billings

The best way to predict the future is to create it. – Peter Drucker

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. – Robert Bloch

My mother always used to say: ‘The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.’ – Betty White

Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t handle science fiction. – Robin Williams

Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well. – Mark Twain

I don’t want to be a millionaire; I just want to live like one. – Dean Martin

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants. – A. Whitney Brown

I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship. – Louisa May Alcott

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? – Steven Wright

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten. – George Carlin

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to just tune myself out.

I’m not lazy. I’m just conserving energy.

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

I pretend to work until the Friday drinks cart comes around.

Coffee: because adulting is hard.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me lazy, I’d probably hire someone to pick up all the dollars I made.

I’m not late, I just prefer the scenic route to my desk.

I would exercise, but it makes me spill my wine.

I’m not bossy, I just have better ideas.

I don’t get drunk, I get awesome.

The only thing I’m committed to right now is avoiding work.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.

If sarcasm burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just testing gravity.

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

I don’t need a gym membership, my desk chair has wheels.

I’m not a morning person, I’m an all-day-hater.

I’m not being rude, I’m just saying what everyone else is thinking.

I’m not losing weight, I’m just getting rid of excess awesomeness.

Coffee: because adulting is hard.

My body is not a temple, it’s a mini-mart with beer.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.

I’m not ignoring you, I’m just prioritizing my time accordingly.

I’m not short-tempered, I’m just on a mission to eradicate stupidity.

I don’t have a problem with caffeine, I have a problem without it.

I don’t need a personal trainer, I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy snacks out of my hand.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me lazy, I’d probably hire someone to pick up all the dollars I made.

I’m not lazy, I’m just actively in energy-saving mode.

I’m not arguing, I’m simply explaining why I’m right.

I don’t need anger management, I need people to stop pissing me off.

I’m not hard to understand, you’re just easy to confuse.

I would exercise, but it makes me spill my margarita.

Don’t mistake my efficiency for laziness.

I’m not always late, but when I am, I make it look fashionable.

I’m not antisocial, I’m selectively social.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’, but there is a ‘U’ in ‘useless co-worker’.

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

Office parties: the perfect opportunity to mingle with people you avoid during work hours.

I don’t need a gym membership, my office chair has wheels.

I can’t adult today, please don’t make me adult.

If only I could get paid to look busy, I’d be a billionaire.

I only drink on two occasions: when I’m thirsty and when I’m not.

Three drinks a day keeps the doctor away… well, at least the ones you don’t want to see.

I don’t need a therapist, I just need a bottle of wine.

Alcohol: because no great story ever started with someone eating a salad.

I workout so I can drink more wine. It’s all about balance, right?

In wine years, I’m already old enough to drink.

Alcohol may not solve my problems, but neither does milk.

I’m not an alcoholic, I’m a wine enthusiast.

Coffee keeps me going until it’s acceptable to drink wine.

I have mixed drinks about feelings.

Beer: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems. – Homer Simpson

I’m not drunk, I’m just dancing in cursive.

Wine is my spirit animal.

Drinking wine is just my way of adulting.

I’m not drunk, I’m just speaking in cursive.

I’m not an alcoholic, I’m a professional wine taster.

I like to think of drinking as vertical yoga.

I’m not saying I’m Wonder Woman, but have you ever seen us in the same room without a glass of wine?

Drinking is like a vacation for my liver.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. – Benjamin Franklin

I don’t get drunk, I get awesome.

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

I tried cooking with wine, but after four glasses, I forgot why I was in the kitchen.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy me a bottle of wine, and that’s pretty close.

Alcohol doesn’t make you fat, it makes you lean… against tables, chairs, and random strangers.

I don’t cry over spilled milk, but I might cry over spilled wine.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

I only drink on days that end in ‘y.’

Alcohol: because no great story starts with a salad.

Wine is like duct tape, it fixes everything.

They say too much alcohol kills your brain cells, but I say it just kills the weak ones.

Beer: because making bad decisions for over 5,000 years can’t be wrong.

I don’t need a prince, I need a full glass of wine.

My doctor says I need glasses. Wine glasses, that is.

I don’t have a drinking problem, I’m just really good at it.

Life is too short to drink bad wine.

I like whiskey. I’m pretty sure it likes me too.

My blood type is Riesling.

I’m not drunk, I’m drinking away my feelings.

Drinking wine is not my hobby, it’s my passion.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. – Benjamin Franklin

I’m not saying I’m Wonder Woman, but have you ever seen her and me in the same room without a glass of wine?

I’m not a regular mom, I’m a cool mom… with a flask.

The best wines are the ones we drink with friends.

Drink responsibly, don’t spill it.

I like my coffee like I like my mornings – dark and strong!

Coffee: because adulting is hard!

Behind every successful person is a substantial amount of coffee.

Coffee doesn’t ask silly questions, coffee understands.

Decaf? No thanks, I prefer my coffee to have a personality.

Coffee is my love language.

I can’t espresso how much you bean to me.

Coffee: the original morning superhero.

I’m not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a very committed relationship.

Coffee is the glue that holds my life together.

I have a latte love for coffee!

Coffee – because anger management is expensive.

Coffee: fuel for the caffeine-powered brain.

Coffee: the official drink of procrastination.

I don’t need an inspirational quote, I need coffee!

Coffee, the reason I wake up every morning… and the reason I don’t get much done.

Coffee – because adulting without it is just a sad, decaffeinated existence.

In a world full of basic, be a caramel macchiato.

Life happens, coffee helps.

Coffee: turning ‘I can’t’ into ‘I can’t even without it.’

Keep calm and drink coffee.

I can’t think of a clever coffee pun, I haven’t had my coffee yet.

Coffee: my power fuel to save the world.

Sometimes I think coffee is my spirit animal.

Coffee, the only addiction I’m okay with.

Coffee – because without it, mornings would be depresso.

I’m sorry for what I said before I had my coffee.

Espresso yourself, but with coffee.

Coffee: the dark side of the day.

Coffee is the answer, no matter what the question is.

Caffeine and kindness: the perfect brew.

Coffee, the ultimate life-hack.

Coffee: the warm hug in a mug.

Life happens, coffee helps me cope.

Inhale confidence, exhale coffee.

Coffee: the key to surviving Monday mornings.

Coffee: the magical elixir of productivity.

Without coffee, mornings would be empty and dull.

Coffee: my favorite blend of sanity and happiness.

Coffee: the legal drug that keeps me going.

Coffee: the best part of waking up… and the rest of the day too.

Coffee and friends make the perfect blend.

Coffee: because adulting without it is just sad-ulting.

Coffee: the only way to start the day without breaking the law.

Coffee, the ultimate pick-me-up and friend who never disappoints.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She hugged me.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Why be moody when you can shake your booty?

If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving is definitely not for you.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me lazy, I’d probably hire someone to pick up my money.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just taking the floor for a spontaneous dance.

Without ME, it’s just AWESO.

The only exercise I do is running out of patience.

I’m not shy, I’m just holding back my awesomeness for the right moment.

I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

Never trust an atom, they make up everything!

I’m not arguing, I’m simply explaining why I’m right.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.

I don’t have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination.

I didn’t fall, the floor just needed a hug.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

If I won the lottery, I’d donate some to charity and keep the rest for shopping.

Common sense is like deodorant, the people who need it the most never use it.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-efficient mode.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

I live in a constant state of readiness for the zombie apocalypse.

In a world full of Kardashians, be a Phoebe.

I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.

I always carry a pen in my pocket, because you never know when someone may ask for an autograph.

I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I only speak in emoji to confuse my family and friends.

If procrastination was an Olympic sport, I’d probably finish last.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.

I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

Common sense is like deodorant, the people who need it the most never use it.

If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

I live in a constant state of readiness for the zombie apocalypse.

In a world full of Kardashians, be a Phoebe.

I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.

I always carry a pen in my pocket because you never know when someone may ask for an autograph.

Laughter is the best medicine, but I didn’t go to medical school.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes – she hugged me.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a mission to rearrange the floor’s layout.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

Behind every successful person is a substantial amount of coffee.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy for when it really matters.

Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired!

I wear glasses because without them, I can’t see the humor in life.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!

I accidentally bumped into my ex today; with my car… Oops!

If there is a will, there are five hundred relatives.

I took up jogging for my health, but all I seem to do is run out of breath.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!

I accidentally bumped into my ex today; with my car… Oops!

If there is a will, there are five hundred relatives.

I took up jogging for my health, but all I seem to do is run out of breath.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!

I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a mission to rearrange the floor’s layout.

I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy for when it really matters.

I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I wear glasses because without them, I can’t see the humor in life.

Behind every successful person is a substantial amount of coffee.

Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you? And well you should not.

Do or do not. There is no try.

Pass on what you have learned. Strength, mastery, hmm… but weakness, folly, failure also. Yes, failure most of all. The greatest teacher, failure is.

Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.

Much to learn you still have, my young padawan.

The force is strong with this one.

Wars not make one great.

Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you?

Difficult to see. Always in motion is the future.

Always pass on what you have learned.

A Jedi uses the force for knowledge and defense, never for attack.

Adventure. Excitement. A Jedi craves not these things.

You must unlearn what you have learned.

In a dark place we find ourselves, and a little more knowledge lights our way.

Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter.

To be Jedi is to face the truth, and choose. Give off light, or darkness, Padawan. Be a candle, or the night.

In a galaxy far, far away, patience you must have.

Control, control, you must learn control!

Judge me by my size, do you? And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is.

The greatest teacher, failure is.

Adventure. Excitement. A Jedi craves not these things.

That is why you fail.

To answer power with power, the Jedi way this is not. In this war, a danger there is, of losing who we are.

You think Yoda stops teaching, just because his student does not want to hear? A teacher Yoda is. Yoda teaches like drunkards drink, like killers kill.

Do not assume anything Obi-Wan. Clear your mind must be if you are to discover the real villains behind this plot.

Named must your fear be before banish it you can.

You will find only what you bring in.

Control, control, you must learn control!

With great power, comes great responsibility.

Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you?

Happens to every guy sometimes this does.

You were the chosen one!

Many of the truths that we cling to depend on our point of view.

Secret, shall I tell you? Grand Master of Jedi Order am I. Won this job in a raffle I did. Hmm? Jedi Council, take you in I will. Hmm? Good relations with the Wookiees, I have. Hmm. Powerful Jedi, I am. Hmm? But not are you. Hmm. Through the force, things you will see. Other places. The future, the past. Old friends long gone.

A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack.

Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny. Consume you, it will.

When you look at the dark side, careful you must be. For the dark side looks back.

Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is.

The fear of loss is a path to the dark side.

Truly wonderful the mind of a child is.

In the end, cowards are those who follow the dark side.

If no mistake you have made, yet losing you are… a different game you should play.

The dark side clouds everything. Impossible to see the future is.

Always pass on what you have learned.

In this war, a danger there is, of losing who we are.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy saving mode.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just on a secret mission to test gravity.

I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I’m not addicted to coffee. We’re just in a committed relationship.

I’m not a chef, I just microwave like a boss.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just a ninja in training.

If common sense was a person, it would have taken a vacation from me long ago.

I’m not stalking you, I’m just researching your life intensely.

I’m not short, I’m fun-sized for your convenience.

I don’t make mistakes, I just have unexpected learning opportunities.

I’m not lazy, I’m in energy-saving mode.

I’m not messy, I’m creatively organized.

I’m not forgetful, I’m just living in a parallel universe.

I’m not talking to myself, I’m just having a team meeting.

I don’t have a special talent, I’m just easily entertained.

I’m not late, I’m just on my own unique time zone.

I don’t need an alarm clock, my internal alarm wakes me up at random times.

I’m not a couch potato, I’m an indoor relaxation expert.

I don’t need a personal trainer, my cat keeps me active with its constant demands for attention.

I don’t have bad luck, I just live in a neighborhood full of opportunities.

I’m not clumsy, I’m directionally challenged.

I don’t have a favorite color, I just can’t make up my mind.

I don’t have a sweet tooth, I have an entire bakery in my mouth.

I’m not addicted to social media, I just have high levels of FOMO.

I’m not a morning person, I’m a pillow enthusiast.

I’m not weird, I’m just a limited edition.

I don’t need an alarm clock, my phone gets lonely and starts making noise.

I’m not lost, I’m just taking the scenic route.

I don’t need caffeine, I’m already naturally hyper.

I’m not clumsy, I’m just hugging the floor excessively.

I’m not a control freak, I just have strong suggestions.

I don’t procrastinate, I just enjoy doing things at the last minute.

I don’t snore, I provide background music while sleeping.

I’m not a troublemaker, I’m just allergic to boredom.

I’m not late, I just like to practice patience.

I don’t have a short attention span, I just prefer to multitask all the time.

I’m not ignoring you, I’m just mentally vacationing somewhere else.

I’m not a comedian, I’m just a professional at making bad jokes.

I don’t need a personal assistant, my phone knows everything about me.

I don’t believe in luck, I believe in random acts of awesomeness.

I’m not a morning person, I’m just nocturnally inclined.

I don’t have road rage, I have car enthusiasm.

I don’t have a six-pack, I have a family pack.

I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong because I can twist the truth to fit my narrative.

A successful relationship is just two imperfect people refusing to give up on each other.

A relationship should be built on love, laughter, and a little bit of sarcasm.

Marriage: the only war where you sleep with the enemy and steal the covers.

If a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every six months about it.

Being in a relationship is like being on a roller coaster. Sometimes you’re screaming in fear, and other times you’re laughing uncontrollably.

Relationships are like smartphones. You constantly have to be charging them up.

In a relationship, don’t count the hours you spend together; count the laughs you share.

Love is sharing your popcorn even when you want to eat the whole bag yourself.

Relationships are like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.

The secret to a happy relationship is a sense of humor and a short memory.

A good relationship is when your partner knows how you take your coffee, even if they don’t drink it themselves.

A successful relationship is built on love, trust, and the ability to enjoy each other’s weirdness.

The best way to keep your relationship alive is by constantly making fun of each other.

Love is blind, marriage is an eye-opener, and divorce is a forceps.

A relationship is like a game of chess. One wrong move, and your queen will end up being taken.

Don’t worry if your partner doesn’t complete you. A relationship is not a puzzle – it’s a two-pizza kind of thing.

Falling in love is easy, staying in love requires a sense of humor.

I love you more than I love Netflix, but please don’t ask me to choose.

Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably crap.

A good relationship is when someone accepts your past, supports your present, and encourages your future stupidity.

I love you with all my belly. I would say heart, but my belly is bigger.

Relationships are like puzzles. Sometimes you just need to take a break and look at the bigger picture.

Love is swapping your fries for their onion rings without hesitation.

If love is blind, marriage is like opening your eyes underwater.

The best relationships are the ones where you can act like total idiots together.

In a relationship, one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

Love is finding someone who looks at you like you’re their favorite pizza.

A good relationship is built on equal parts love, trust, and a shared hatred for doing the dishes.

Love is sharing your food and your deepest, darkest secrets.

Relationships are like skis. If one person falls, the other should yell, ‘Pizza!’

True love means accepting each other’s weird habits and still wanting to share a bathroom.

A relationship without laughter is like a song without a melody – it just doesn’t work.

The key to a successful relationship is never going to bed angry. Unless someone ate the last slice of pizza, then all bets are off.

Love is when someone knows all your flaws and still finds you absolutely cute.

Being in a relationship is like a marathon. No matter how tired you are, you keep pushing through until the finish line.

A good relationship is built on trust, laughter, and the ability to discreetly pass gas in front of each other.

Love is knowing that no matter how messy life gets, someone will always be there to hold your hand and say, ‘We’ll figure it out.’

In a relationship, the best kind of pillow talk is about food and future vacation plans.

Love is not having to hold in your farts around each other.

A successful relationship is finding someone who will annoy you the least out of everyone else you know.

Being in a relationship means having a built-in teammate for all of life’s adventures, and someone to blame when things go wrong.

Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably crap.

A relationship without trust is like a phone without a signal. You end up playing games.

Love is surviving each other’s cooking experiments without ordering takeout.

The best relationships are the ones where you can be weird together and still have the most fun.

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott

Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way. – Michael Scott

I’m not saying I’m Superman, but have you ever seen us in the same room together? – Dwight Schrute

I am Beyoncé, always. – Michael Scott

I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me. – Michael Scott

I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to tune myself out. – Kelly Kapoor

I’m not crazy. I just have way more energy than any normal person. – Andy Bernard

Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, ‘Would an idiot do that?’ And if they would, I do not do that thing. – Dwight Schrute

I’m not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn’t even close. Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40 I had less money than I did when I was

– Creed Bratton

Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are too flashy, so I’m forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls. – Angela Martin

I’m like an owl. I’m wise, and I have a lot of feathers. – Erin Hannon

I’m not a hero. I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else. – Michael Scott

The worst thing about prison was the dementors. – Prison Mike (Michael Scott)

I’m not reliable on a day-to-day basis, but when it really matters, I always come through. – Jim Halpert

I didn’t ask for it, but I was born with a competitive edge, and I guess that’s what has gotten me to where I am today. – Dwight Schrute

I can’t be bought. But I can be rented, temporarily. – Stanley Hudson

I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve actually left them. – Andy Bernard

People underestimate the power of nostalgia. Nostalgia is truly one of the greatest human weaknesses, second only to the neck. – Dwight Schrute

I may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but at least I’m not a spoon. – Kevin Malone

It’s like Shakespeare said, ‘Pearls before swine.’ – Andy Bernard

A mistake plus keleven gets you home by seven. – Kevin Malone

I love catching people in the act. That’s why I always whip open doors. – Dwight Schrute

I am aware of the effect I have on women. – Michael Scott

I’m not a fan of this word ’employee.’ You have no idea how high I can fly. – Creed Bratton

I’m all about loyalty. In fact, I feel like part of what I’m being paid for here is my loyalty. But if there were somewhere else that valued loyalty more highly, I’m going wherever they value loyalty the most. – Darryl Philbin

I’m not a bad guy. I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell? – Stanley Hudson

I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. – Kevin Malone

You know what they say. Fool me once, strike one, but fool me twice… strike three. – Michael Scott

I am fast. To give you a reference point, I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose… and a panther. – Dwight Schrute

I don’t want to live in a world without cheetahs. I could, but I don’t want to. – Ryan Howard

I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake. – Phyllis Vance

We need a new plague. – Dwight Schrute

Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year! – Dwight Schrute

I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl. So, I’m wise and I have worms. – Michael Scott

I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all, and it’s terrible. – Michael Scott

I’m always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter that makes stairs. – Andy Bernard

Nobody likes beets, Dwight! You should grow something everybody does like. You should grow candy. – Jim Halpert

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott

Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that’s always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing. – Michael Scott

I am not a hero. I do nothing heroic. I’m not even brave enough to be a coward. I just do what I’m told. – Kevin Malone

Why waste time say lot word when few word do trick? – Kevin Malone

I know I’m not perfect, but I try to be a good person, and I protect my friends. – Pam Beesly

Goodbye, Toby! It’s been nice. Hope you find your paradise! – Andy Bernard

When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life. – Angela Martin

I’m not really good with people. – Toby Flenderson

My job is so funny, I laugh all the way to the office!

Work is so funny, I could write a stand-up routine about it.

They say laughter is the best medicine, so I guess my job is a full-time doctor!

My job is like a circus act, with me juggling tasks and dodging office politics.

Work might be serious, but I choose to find the humor in it.

Being a comedian would be easier than dealing with some of these work deadlines!

I’m convinced that my job was created just to give me material for my stand-up routine.

Sometimes I wonder if my job is a real job or just a practical joke gone too far.

Laughing at work is my secret talent.

I’m considering changing career paths to become a professional laughter generator.

If my job was an emoji, it would definitely be the laughing face.

I never thought I’d say this, but I actually look forward to Monday mornings for the laughs.

Working 9 to 5 might be exhausting, but at least it gives me funny stories to tell at parties.

Every day at work is like stepping into a comedy show, with unexpected punchlines at every corner.

The best way to survive a boring job is to find the humor in it.

My job interview was basically a stand-up comedy routine, and I nailed it!

If laughter is the best medicine, then working a funny job is the ultimate cure.

I once laughed so hard at work that my boss thought I was having a meltdown.

I might not be a professional comedian, but my colleagues think I should moonlight as one.

When life gives you work, make sure to add a dash of humor.

Work is like a box of chocolates, you never know when you’ll find a funny coworker.

Funny job perk: I don’t need to pay for a gym membership because I get enough cardio from laughing.

Proof that you’re in a funny job: you can’t tell if your coworkers are being serious or sarcastic half the time!

They say laughter is contagious, so I’m just being a responsible coworker by infecting everyone with humor.

Even on my worst workday, I can always count on my job to provide a few funny moments.

Funny job requirement: must be able to laugh at your own jokes.

Laughter might be the best policy, but it doesn’t always go over well in meetings.

In my career, the laughter is the bonus, not the paycheck.

Work might be stressful, but I consider myself a professional stress reliever through humor.

My boss once told me my humor was too distracting, so I had to bring laughter into the workplace under the radar.

Working in a funny job is like being stuck on a never-ending comedy tour.

Funny jobs should come with a warning label: ‘may cause uncontrollable laughter.’

If my job was a sitcom, I’d definitely be the comic relief character.

They say laughter is the best form of communication, so I guess I’m fluent in funny.

Humor should be a required skill in every job description.

My coworkers can always count on me to turn a dull meeting into a laughing session.

Funny job tip: always keep a stash of funny memes for emergencies.

What’s the difference between a boring job and a funny job? Five cups of coffee and a sense of humor.

If my job was a stand-up comedy routine, I’d be performing at sold-out arenas.

Best part of a funny job: you get paid to make people laugh.

I might not be a comedian by profession, but I definitely have the comedic timing down in the office.

Working in a funny job is like getting paid to attend a comedy show every day.

I once tried to sprinkle humor into my job application, and they hired me on the spot.

A funny job is like a good haircut – it makes your day brighter and more stylish.

If a job is worth doing, it’s worth doing with a smile and a few funny anecdotes.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy a yacht big enough to sail right up to it.

I asked my bank if they could perform a comedy routine, but they said their business model doesn’t allow for many laughs.

I don’t mind spending money, as long as it’s someone else’s.

Money talks, but mine just says goodbye.

The best things in life are free, but the really good things cost a whole lot of money.

I used to be a cashew, but then I found my true calling as a penny-pincher.

I may not have much money, but I’m rich in witty comebacks.

Why does money smell so good? Because it’s scents-ational!

I thought about investing in stocks, but then I realized I prefer a good bowl of chicken noodle soup.

The only thing ‘high risk’ about me is my love for shopping spree.

The problem with money is that it never seems to be as funny as it is in a comedy sketch.

Why did the coin go to therapy? It had too many issues with change.

I think money is like sea waves: it comes and goes, and sometimes it leaves you all wet.

I’m not saying I’m cheap, but I just invented DIY reusable toilet paper.

Instead of a piggy bank, I have a porky bank, because why not add some humor to saving money?

Why did the dollar go to the party? To get a little change.

Money may not buy love, but it can definitely rent a fancy car to impress a potential date.

I tried to take a banknote to the gym, but it kept making excuses not to work out.

What do you call a pile of money that’s also a great dancer? Cha-Ching!

I found a fiver in the street today. I thought, ‘Well, this changes everything… I can buy two coffees now!’

I told my wallet it needed to lose weight, and it responded by giving me a blank stare.

My credit card company called to ask where I’ve been. I told them, ‘Enjoying life on the ‘pay later’ plan!’

Money can’t buy love, but it can buy a pretty convincing illusion of it.

I saw a $100 bill floating in the air today. I guess that’s what they mean when they say money doesn’t grow on trees.

I tried to make a coin laugh, but it was too cents-itive.

I asked my boss for a raise and he told me, ‘Money doesn’t grow on trees.’ I replied, ‘Well then, I guess I’m in the wrong line of work!’

Why did the dollar go to school? To get its cents of education.

Money may not buy happiness, but it sure can buy me a chocolate bar, and that’s close enough.

I’m not saying I’m obsessed with money, but I did name my dog ‘Cashew’.

I tried sending money by email, but the receiver just got stuck in the spam folder.

Why did the quarter run away? It didn’t want to be a part of the change!

I refuse to spend money on therapy when I can get the same amount of relief from shopping.

I’m not saying I’m bad with money, but I can turn a $20 bill into a receipt faster than anyone I know.

I found a banknote in my pocket and felt like a winner… until I realized it was from a different country.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can definitely buy ice cream, and that’s pretty close.

Why did the dollar bill go to the doctor? It felt a bit defaced.

I used to have a fear of change, but then I realized it was also my ticket to buying snacks from the vending machine.

Money can’t buy love, but it can definitely rent it for a while.

I’m not saying I’m addicted to money, but I did install a cash register sound as my phone’s text notification.

I had a dream that I won the lottery, and then I woke up and realized it was just my imagination playing tricks on my wallet.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but it sure can buy a lot of cats… and that’s pretty close.

I tried to make a joke about money, but it just turned into a currency exchange.

Money may not buy happiness, but it can buy me a ticket to a comedy show, and that’s close enough.

Why did the bank note go to therapy? It needed some change management.

Being rich doesn’t make you happy, but it sure does make a dark chocolate bar taste better.

I asked the librarian if she had a book on paranoia, she leaned in close and whispered, ‘They’re right behind you.’

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I wouldn’t say I’m a morning person, but I’m definitely not a mourning person. I leave that to the zombies.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

They say laughter is the best medicine, but if you laugh for no reason, you need medicine.

My bank account is a like a 3D movie. There’s always something popping out that I didn’t expect.

I broke my pencil today and it drew blood. Now I understand why they’re called stationary.

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!

I made a pencil with two erasers, but it was pointless.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I was going to tell a joke about infinity, but then I realized it has no end.

I got expelled from math class for staring too long at my X.

You can’t run through a campground. You can only ‘ran,’ because it’s always past tents.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!

I’m not clumsy, it’s just that the floor hates me, tables and chairs attack me, and walls get in my way.

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they might crack up!

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

A clear conscience is a sure sign of a bad memory.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I’m not clumsy, it’s just that the floor hates me, tables and chairs attack me, and walls get in my way.

Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts!

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they might crack up!

Laughter is like a windshield wiper, it doesn’t stop the rain but allows us to keep going.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.

I stopped fighting my inner demons. We’re on the same side now. Planning world domination.

You know you’re getting old when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

I don’t need anger management; I need people to stop irritating me.

Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they would be bagels!

I once had a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

My wife told me I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

I didn’t want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.

Marriage is like a deck of cards – you need a heart to love, a diamond to marry, a club to smack if they misbehave, and a spade to bury the body.

Wedding vows: the ultimate test of your memory and your ability to lie with a straight face.

The secret to a successful marriage? Just remember that you’re always right, and they’re just always wrong.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy and ask them to do the laundry.

Marriage: the bond that keeps a man from flirting and a woman from shopping.

Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park!

Why fall in love when you can fall asleep and eat pizza instead?

Weddings are like going to the theater – the main show is good, but the real entertainment is watching the drunk guests on the dance floor.

A successful marriage is all about finding someone who can tolerate your weirdness and still love you for it.

Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person ordered, you wish you had ordered that instead.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

In my house, I’m the king, and my wife is just the decision-maker.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

My wife and I were perfectly happy until we got married.

Marriage is a workshop where the husband works and the wife shops.

Being in a long-lasting marriage is like competing in a marathon… except you’re running against yourself and chocolate cake.

Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is cluttered with dirty laundry and the pieces are all arguing.

Love is patient, love is kind. And if that doesn’t work, love is getting separate beds.

I love being married! It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

A good marriage is like a casserole – only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.

Marriage is trading freedom for someone to share the last slice of pizza with.

The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest they’re too old to do it.

My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said.

Behind every great man stands a woman rolling her eyes.

No relationship is perfect; it’s all about finding someone who puts up with your nonsense.

Marriage is all about finding that one person you want to annoy for the rest of eternity.

The four most important words in any marriage: I’ll do the dishes.

Marriage is like a workshop, where even the smallest mistakes are magnified… for the rest of your life.

Marriage is an institution of three rings – engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway!

I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.

Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man-child who can’t take care of himself.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

Husband and wife: two small words, but for some, it’s the entire dictionary.

Marry someone who looks at you the same way as when pizza arrives.

Marriage is finding that one person who likes waking up next to you, despite your morning breath.

Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park.

Marriage is all about compromise – for example, agreeing with your spouse on where to spend the holidays… yours or mine.

Marriage is like a phone charger – it’s only useful when plugged into the right socket.

Marriage is made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.

It’s not a true wedding unless the bride accidentally throws the bouquet through an open window.

Marriage is like a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

A wedding is just a fancy party where you get to eat cake and pretend to be mature.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence, and second marriages are the triumph of hope over experience.

Love is grand, but chocolate is even sweeter!

I’m single and ready to mingle this Valentine’s Day!

They say love is blind, but my dating history suggests otherwise.

I’m allergic to cheesy Valentine’s Day gestures; get me pizza instead!

My true love this Valentine’s Day? Netflix and my favorite pajamas.

Roses are red, violets are blue, if you don’t bring chocolates, this date is through!

Valentine’s Day is just a reminder that I’m still waiting for my Hogwarts acceptance letter.

I’m sorry, I can’t make any plans for Valentine’s Day – I have a hot date with a tub of ice cream.

Love may be a battlefield, but my exes were more like landmines.

Valentine’s Day is just a conspiracy between greeting card companies and florists to empty our wallets.

If love is a drug, then Valentine’s Day is just an overdose waiting to happen.

Instead of a dozen roses, I’d prefer a dozen donuts this Valentine’s Day.

Relationship status this Valentine’s Day: eating a heart-shaped pizza, no regrets.

The key to a successful Valentine’s Day? Low expectations.

Who needs a Valentine when you have a pet that loves you unconditionally?

My love language is sarcasm, so this Valentine’s Day, prepare for some witty banter.

Valentine’s Day is great and all, but have you ever tried eating a whole box of chocolates by yourself?

Roses are red, violets are blue, who needs a date when I’ve got WiFi too?

My love life is like a romantic comedy – without the romance, just the comedy part.

Valentine’s Day is the perfect excuse to embrace my inner cat lady.

Valentine’s Day is just another reminder to update my dating profile.

I may not have a Valentine, but I have a great sense of humor – that counts, right?

Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to appreciate all the single people in our lives.

Love is in the air this Valentine’s Day – along with a hint of desperation and discount chocolates.

Valentine’s Day is the only day I’m allowed to consume an entire heart-shaped box of chocolates guilt-free.

They say love is blind, but my bank account can see all those expensive Valentine’s Day gifts.

Peace, love, and awkward Valentine’s Day exchanges.

I’m not single, I’m just in a long-term relationship with freedom and independence.

Cupid must have missed with his arrow because my love life is non-existent.

Valentine’s Day: the one day I can dress up and pretend I have a love life for a couple of hours.

Valentine’s Day is great for couples, but even better for discounted chocolates the day after.

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again with a heart-shaped pizza?

Who needs a Valentine’s Day date when I can have a DIY spa day and a glass of wine?

Valentine’s Day is a reminder that I need a dog who loves me unconditionally, with no expectations of grand gestures.

Instead of sending me flowers, just Venmo me the money so I can order takeout.

Valentine’s Day should come with a warning: excessive cheesiness may cause indigestion.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’ll be my own Valentine because I deserve it too!

Being single on Valentine’s Day just means I have extra money to treat myself – win-win!

All you need is love… and a good sense of humor to survive this Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day is just a reminder of all the exes I’m grateful I don’t have to buy gifts for.

Can you be my Valentine? I promise not to write any cringeworthy poems about roses and love.

Who needs a romantic candlelit dinner when you can have a candlelit bubble bath instead?

If love is blind, why are lingerie stores so popular on Valentine’s Day?

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m spending Valentine’s Day watching rom-coms for two.

Valentine’s Day is the one holiday I can fully embrace being single and fabulous!

New Year’s resolutions are just like babies: fun to make but extremely difficult to maintain.

My New Year’s resolution is to be less awesome since I can’t handle all the attention.

May all your troubles last as long as your resolutions!

My New Year’s resolution is to stop pretending that I haven’t been eating directly from the cookie jar at midnight.

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

This New Year’s, I resolve to live life in the moment – specifically, in the 5 seconds between hitting snooze and getting out of bed.

The only exercise I’ll be doing this year is flipping through the channels on my remote control.

I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.

Let’s celebrate New Year’s Eve by making lots of bad decisions that we can blame on the alcohol.

My resolution is to spend less time interacting with people and more time with my phone.

May all your troubles last as long as your resolutions!

New Year’s resolution: ignore more text messages and answer fewer phone calls.

My resolution is to eat more cupcakes because life is too short for kale.

New Year’s resolution: procrastinate more… starting tomorrow.

I’m starting to think that New Year’s resolutions are just a clever marketing ploy by gyms to make more money.

My resolution for this year is to be less patient… starting tomorrow.

The best part about making New Year’s resolutions is breaking them. That way, you can be a failure right from the start!

My New Year’s resolution is to stop pretending that I haven’t been using my treadmill as a clothes hanger.

This year, instead of making New Year’s resolutions, I’ll just blame my Zodiac sign for my poor life choices.

Here’s to opening a bottle of wine and pretending that the past year never happened.

My resolution is to stop pretending that five-second rule doesn’t apply to all food.

This year, I’ll eat all the chocolate because I really need to sweeten up my life.

May your true friends be fewer, but the good pizzas more this year.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop watching funny cat videos. Said no one ever.

Instead of resolutions, this year I’m making a list of things to pretend to care about.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions – about a week.

Remember, it’s not the destination that matters, it’s how many episodes you binge-watch on Netflix to get there.

My resolution is to be more self-aware, but after a few glasses of champagne, I’ll settle for just being aware of my surroundings.

New Year’s Resolution: More carbs, less cardio. I’m ready for a year of pasta and naps.

This year, I’m planning to give up resolutions. After all, I’m perfect just the way I am!

Why make a fresh start when you can just refresh the old one?

My resolution is to remember every word of the ‘Auld Lang Syne’ song… or at least the ones that actually exist.

My New Year’s resolution is to find out how to do the ‘running man’ dance move without actually running.

This year, I’ll be more spontaneous. As soon as I can plan it out perfectly.

May your troubles be less, your blessings be more, and nothing but happiness come through your door… unless it’s pizza delivery.

I’m looking forward to the new year, mainly for the new calendar with cute puppies on every page.

No matter how much we may dislike it, deep down, we all secretly look forward to failing our New Year’s resolutions.

This year, I’m resolving to be more punctual… except when it comes to returning borrowed items.

My resolution is to stop blaming autocorrect for my inappropriate text messages. It’s not my fault, it’s my phone’s!

May your New Year’s resolution be as short-lived as your attention span.

My goal for the new year is to stop pretending that I’ll start exercising before Netflix asks me if I’m still watching.

New Year’s resolution: stop getting sidetracked by funny cat videos… starting next year.

My resolution is to figure out if there’s a filter that can make me look like I’m always on vacation.

May the New Year bring you love, joy, and may it be just as good as last year’s.

This year, let’s resolve to make better bad decisions!

Who needs a Christmas tree when you can just decorate a pile of laundry?

Christmas cheer: the only time of year when it’s socially acceptable to wear an ugly sweater.

Dear Santa, define ‘nice’.

The best way to spread Christmas cheer is to sing loud for all to hear… or give everyone a pair of noise-canceling headphones.

Christmas is all about love and joy… and strategically avoiding family drama.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll settle for red.

Christmas calories don’t count, right? Asking for a friend.

I wish everyone a Merry Christmas, except the people who already have their decorations up in October.

Christmas is the perfect time to give handmade gifts… if by ‘handmade’ you mean ‘bought online and delivered in a box’.

I’m dreaming of a silent night, just kidding, it’s more like a chaos-filled holiday season.

Christmas is the time to be merry and bright… or completely stressed and exhausted.

Rudolph’s red nose is cute until you remember he’s basically the only one with a DUI.

Christmas tip: if someone gives you coal, just regift it as a performance art piece.

Santa: making a list, checking it twice, and still getting your name wrong since the beginning of time.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll start collecting marshmallows.

Don’t get your tinsel in a tangle, just let it hang and call it a modern art installation.

Christmas shopping? More like a marathon of dodging salespeople and impulse buying.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Okay, most of the year. Fine, once in a while. Just leave presents.

Christmas greetings: May your presents be pricier than your relatives.

The best part of the Christmas season? Wearing stretchy pants and blaming it on the cookies.

Christmas spirit: the only time of year when it’s socially acceptable to sneeze glitter.

Just remember, Santa only visits houses with WIFI. So, upgrade that connection, folks!

Christmas tip: If someone gives you a gift, pretend it’s exactly what you wanted even if it’s an avocado.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll settle for a Netflix marathon.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly… and peelings of tangled up fairy lights.

Christmas wish: May all your socks have a matching pair and all your family dinner conversations stay civil.

Forget about chestnuts roasting on an open fire, I’m more interested in marshmallows toasting on my hot cocoa.

Dear Santa, I can explain… but you probably won’t believe me anyway.

Christmas sweaters: because nothing says ‘I gave up on fashion’ like a giant Rudolph on your chest.

You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout… unless you want coal in your stocking.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but let’s be honest, I’m in Florida, so a mild breeze would do.

May your Christmas lights blink as fast as your credit card gets declined.

Christmas cards: the easiest way to pretend you remember people you haven’t seen in years.

Nothing says ‘Merry Christmas’ like finding wrapping paper shreds in your bed until July.

Christmas shopping: the only time of year when it’s acceptable to push people out of the way for a good deal.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good this year… well, not GOOD good, but good enough considering the circumstances.

‘Tis the season to be jolly, and drink eggnog until you forget about your holiday stress.

Christmas wish: may your family’s political conversations be as well-spiced as your holiday cookies.

Remember, it’s not the gift that counts, it’s the Instagram post of you pretending to love the gift.

Christmas dinner: a chance for your uncle’s questionable cooking to shine… or burn, whichever comes first.

I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll accept snowflakes made of paper.

May your Christmas be filled with joy, laughter, and less awkward family photos than last year.

Christmas stockings: because nothing says ‘I love you’ like random small objects wrapped in oversized socks.

Dear Santa, I can explain my search history… but it might not be suitable for the Naughty or Nice list.

Christmas morning: the time when all the uncontrollable screaming before coffee is actually acceptable.

I’m dreaming of a beach vacation, where the only worry is how many shades of suntan lotion to bring.

Holidays are like diets—there’s always tomorrow to start again.

My holiday plans? Eat, sleep, swim, repeat.

Vacation calories don’t count…until they show up on the scale.

The only exercise I’ll be doing on vacation is flipping through the cocktail menu.

Life is short. Take the vacation, buy the shoes, eat the cake.

Drinks with tiny umbrellas automatically taste 50% better.

Every great vacation starts with the words ‘Hold my passport.’

Happiness is a passport stamp.

I’m on a seafood diet—when I see food, I eat it!

The best way to spread holiday cheer is by singing loud for all to hear. Or just drinking more eggnog.

If a vacation doesn’t involve getting lost, then it’s not an adventure worth having.

My favorite travel destination? Anywhere with Wi-Fi and room service.

Traveling is the only thing you can spend money on that makes you richer.

How to have a beach body?

Have a body.

Go to the beach.

The only thing better than a vacation is planning the next one!

I need a vacation that lasts six months, twice a year.

I didn’t choose the beach life, the beach life chose me.

I’m not a tourist, I’m a professional vacationer.

I’m not lost—I’m exploring.

You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy a plane ticket, and that’s pretty close.

I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.

My holiday motto: ‘Treat yo’self!’

Family holidays: the only time ‘Why not?’ becomes ‘Because I said so!’

Vacations are the best excuse to wear your pajamas 24/7.

I need a six-month holiday, twice a year.

Holidays are the best excuse to overindulge and pretend the calories don’t count.

If you think adventure is dangerous, try routine—it’s lethal.

I’m not anti-social, I’m just pro-vacation.

Jet lag is just your soul saying, ‘Catch me later.’

Need an escape? Just add a beach.

I’m not short, I’m just concentrated cuteness.

Running away from my responsibilities? Nah, just on a much-needed holiday.

When life gives you lemons, swap them for coconuts and have a beach party.

Vacations are like a glass of champagne for the soul.

I don’t need a holiday. My soul is already on a permanent vacation mode.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

Holidays are like relationships: they’re best when they’re hot and sunny.

The only tan lines I want are from my inflatable flamingo float.

Life is better in flip-flops and sunglasses.

Travel is the only thing you can buy that makes you richer in memories, but poorer in savings.

A vacation is not complete without emptying your wallet on souvenirs you’ll never use.

Paradise is just a coconut away.

I’m not lazy, I’m energy-efficient.

Holiday Rule #1: Have fun. Rule #2: See Rule #1.

Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet!

The only workout I’ll be doing this holiday is lifting a glass of eggnog.

Holiday calories don’t count… right?

My favorite part of the holidays? The food coma afterwards.

Santa knows if you’ve been naughty or nice, but he doesn’t judge if you’ve been eating too much pie.

Dear Santa, this year please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. And please don’t mix those up like you did last year.

May your holiday season be filled with laughter, love, and lots of calories.

I’m on a seafood diet this holiday season – I see food and I eat it!

Whoever said happiness comes in small packages has never received a large box of chocolates.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, but I’ll probably find them empty because Santa knows I ate all the treats.

Christmas dinner is the perfect time to say grace and take a few bites in between.

My holiday card is just going to say ‘Calories don’t count during the holidays’.

Holiday baking rule: If at first, you don’t succeed, order pizza.

If someone says you don’t need more sweets this holiday season, unfriend them. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

They say time flies when you’re having fun, but it really flies when you’re eating cookies.

My New Year’s resolution is to spot the difference between a snowflake and powdered sugar on a cookie. Should be easy, right?

Christmas: the only time of the year when it’s acceptable to be more interested in what’s under the tree than what’s on it.

May your holidays be as joyous as the moment you first realized Black Friday sales were extended to Cyber Monday.

Santa’s sleigh isn’t the only thing getting lit this holiday season.

Deck the halls with boughs of jolly – and don’t forget the jingle bells on your stretchy pants.

The best thing about holidays? Finding out which relatives you’ll be avoiding at the dinner table.

Did you hear about the dyslexic guy who tried to cook his Christmas turkey? He accidentally stuffed it with his cat.

What’s red and white and falls down the chimney? Santa after too much eggnog!

I tried counting sheep to fall asleep during the holidays, but they all turned into sugar plum fairies and started dancing.

Why does Santa always go down the chimney? Because it soots him!

Holiday shopping tip: Keep calm and pretend it’s on the list you left at home.

Don’t get your tinsel in a tangle – there’s plenty of eggnog to go around!

The awkward moment when Santa says ‘ho ho ho’ and your grandma says ‘ha ha ha’ because she got the joke.

May your holidays be filled with awkward family photos and fruitcakes you can re-gift next year.

Who needs mistletoe when you can kiss under the glow of holiday lights and a fridge full of leftovers?

The best gift during the holidays is the one that makes you forget how old you are.

My wish list this year? More parking spots near the mall entrances and fewer calories in holiday treats.

If you think I’m classy at dinner parties, you obviously haven’t seen me unwrap a present on Christmas morning.

Who needs a gym membership when you can just do the ‘fork lift’ to your mouth all season?

Forget about finding peace on Earth this holiday season, I just want to find the TV remote.

The best thing about the holiday season? It gives us an excuse to wear stretchy pants all day, every day.

Holiday tip: If you run out of wrapping paper, just wrap the gifts in that pile of clothes you’ve been meaning to do laundry with.

Christmas is the time to open our hearts and pop the corks on champagne bottles.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good most of the year. Okay, once. In January. But let’s not dwell on the details.

May your holiday season be filled with laughter, love, and excessive amounts of chocolates shaped like reindeer.

Christmas baking is the reason I have trust issues with my own scales.

Dear Santa, I can explain… everything!

Holidays are like cookies – they deserve to be indulged in, even if they crumble sometimes.

Christmas is too sparkly… said no one ever!

May your days be merry and bright, and may your holiday decorations outshine your neighbor’s inflatable snowman.